For the last few years it has been Christmas at the Rocksey-Kitten household. However after much extended family gatherings that last far longer than the obligatory one or two days Rocksey decided last year that enough was enough.
So for this Christmas, the family have decamped to Rockseys mothers for fun and frolics!
Dinner will be around 3pm she announced several months ago. So we arrive in 2 cars, Rocksey brings the perpetual student and Tom and I fetch my mom and dad, well I go to their house and then realise I have a flat tyre. Quick mobile call to Rocksey in a panic, its Christmas morning after all, at least it’s not raining ( or snowing)…. and Rocksey cetrtainly then gave the neighbours something to look at, outside in the street with the footpump….at least he wasnt’ wearing Spandex!!
So eventually we arrive at the In -laws, and as much as it’s cold outside, Mrs R has got the heating on fULL BLAST and there’s now 8 of us in this small house and it’s boiling! Now as you readers may have also guessed I am at the time of my life when I get hot, and I don’t mean just ‘oohh it’s a bit warm here, can you open a window?’ I mean ‘ its so fucking hot in here I think I might have to stand in an arctic blast of freezing cold air! ‘ Hoping hell will freeze ofer I spend much of the day going outside for a fag break when I haven’t smoked in 20 years or so just to cool off – without drawing too much attention to myself – I think I may have got away with it!!
Mr R faffs around making sure everyone’s drinks are continually topped up, this included my dad who does not understand what the sentence ‘take it slowly’ actually means. A fellow musician from many years ago when in the company of Rocksey he feels he should still be in with band – now the band have had their wild times but Rocksey is over 50 now and my dad is 83, both wild men in their own pasts they should now be sliding a little more gracefully into their middle years ( or in dads case, sliding into old age – can I say that ? I’m sure I will get pulled up on that – especially from my dad who doesn’t consider himself ‘old’ in any way, shape or form!!).
In the meantime Mrs R who should be ensuring dinner is on the table at the much specified time, sits with her guests quaffing white wine and also ensuring that everyone has enough to drink. The allotted hour goes past, Turkey smells come out of the kitchen everytime the door is opened ( sorry guys tats me enjoying the cold!), but there doesn’t appear to be anything else cooking. Now as I am not the cook of the house this doesn’t really register in my brain, the Prosecco is in full flow and everyone is having fun, although we are all now a tad hungry, the hor d’ourves of blinis, smoked salmon and cavier a distance memory on our taste buds.
Mr R and dad have managed to work the CD player and dads Christmas gift of Acker Bilks greatest hots is now blasting out in the living room. Rocksey is looking glum, he has his hungry face on. I catch his eye and he shakes his head slowly at me, I know what he’s thinking…….thishas been a mistake, Rocksey is not in his own kitchen and things are getting out of hand.
Suddenly Mrs R having fell into the kitchen in search of a new bottle of wine realises that SHE HAS FORGOTTEN TO FINISH CHRISTMAS LUNCH!!!! We have Turkey but NOTHING ELSE!!!!!
Full panic breaks out, not wanting to actually announce that lunch may become supper, Mr R is shooed into the kitchen and the door is firmly shut. Now, there is no more alcohol in the living room, and no escape into the cold late afternoon air, we sit in Acker Bilk saxophone silence waiting…….
Finally, finally, the kitchen door is re-opened, dinner will be soon Mrs R announces, wine and beers replenished, Rocksey gives in to the box of wine gums that the perpetual student has bought him for Christmas and slumps into a sugar rush haze. Dad has peaked too early on the Nut Brown ale and is now asleep. Mum and Tom are in the final stages of completing a life size model of a Darlek ( it says on the box this may take up to 2 weeks to complete).
Dinner is finally served several hours after the much lauded time of 3pm.
Some of it is cooked, some of it is not, some of it did not reach the table.
We finally leave far later than we anticipated. No Christmas evening cuddles on the sofa for us enjoying the peace and quiet. Never again….Rocksey whispers into my head when we get into bed…ahh normal service will be resumed as the madness will descend on us again next Christmas, but at least we know that we will be fed on time!!
Merry Christmas everyone xxx