Prosecco, Picasso and Prosthetics – Part 2 – How do we acquire things?

Senor Pinguino is in the dog house.

Suki and I have gone out for a girly lunch which has culminated in several Prosecco cocktails. This was our way of celebrating albeit belatedly our birthdays which we had both spent separately in Spain – Suki had of course been treated to the ultimate rock chick weekend, flown out by SP to Madrid to see AC/DC whereas I had had to suffer the horrors which were the Spanish school ( I will write about this one day but I still feel traumatised by this experience!!!).

The bartender has the most gorgeous blue eyes and we notice this even before we have started our lunch date. ‘Would you like to join us’ Suki purrs at him when he brings our drink over. ‘Unfortunately, ladies’ he smiles back’ I cannot leave the bar unattended’, but he gives Suki a wink and there is definitely a swagger in his walk as he shimmies back to the (unattended) bar where there are several large men waiting to order pints of lager – bet he wishes he’d taken up our offer – I laugh picking up the food menu.

Suki sips her drink in contemplation as we decide what to eat and the smiley waitress takes our order and disappears into the kitchen.

Now I know when something is going on with Suki. She’s definitely not the strong silent type and usually fizzing over with enthusiasm about one thing or another – today there is definitely something on her mind.

‘Come on then whats troubling you? ‘ I ask. ‘whats he done now?’ ( this is just fishing I hasten to add – but usually Suki is only troubled by something that SP may or may not have done).

‘Its SP’ she says wryly, ‘well not SP himself but his stuff……..’

Now lets stop here for a second so I can fill you in on what Suki actually means by SP’s ‘stuff’.

We all acquire things along the way, stuff given to us, bought by us, inherited from others and we accumulate other stuff too – origin usually unknown. Todays cover photo is of a much loved bottle opener – why have I got this? Why do I love it so much? I have no idea and it’s not worth anything, I’m sure I could buy a far more chic bottle opener but I smile whenever I use it and that to me is worth far more than any Alessi minimalistic bottle opener I could use ( trust me I have one of these, it cost a fortune ).

SP on the other hand does not just acquire stuff, stuff acquires him. I have never met a man who has so many belongings not just clothes, jewellery, hats and shoes (Rocksey would take some beating on this, he has a walk in wardrobe for Gods sake), but other memorabilia especially records, books, guitars ( and other instruments – such as the double bass that he bought so he could play Happy Birthday to Suki on it a couple of weeks ago! ), and bigger stuff, a speed boat, a narrow boat, various vans, cars and motor bikes as well as his lifetime collection of the Sunday Sport – to name just a few items that I know about!!

The house is being taken over by SPs stuff, Suki looks aghast – he’s taking over my life and we’ve had words about it.

Now Suki and SP do not live in a teeny tiny house by any means and if SP’s stuff is taking over the house and not confined to the barn, various outbuildings and triple garage then things must be bad.

‘I have told him he has to sort it out by this evening’ – Suki motions for more cocktails and old blue eyes (who has obviously been watching intently) materialises by our table with 2 more drinks. ‘If the house is still full I am going to set light to it’.

SP-as you may have deduced is a hoarder. He cannot throw anything away although he will give you anything if you say you like it, he is generous to a fault but cannot stop collecting things.

As it transpires, SP had sold his narrow boat ( those long weekends on the norfolk broads are few and far between when you are touring as much as these guys) and ( yes you’ve guessed it!!) there were more than a few ‘personal effects’ on board, which now have found a ‘temporary’ home in the lounge of Suki’s and SP’s house. Temporary being the operative word for Suki – ie these boxes need to be found a home elsewhere – like TODAY.

SP has been banned from going out anywhere until the boxes and their contents have found a new home, whether this is else where within the house or sorted out and given away Suki does not care, all she wants his her lounge back to its relaxing space she has worked so hard to feng shui.

‘Its not even if its stuff he cherishes’, she bemoans tipping her glass at ole blue eyes ( who like a puppy dog is beside her in no time with refills. ‘He doesn’t even know whats in the damn boxes’.

I can imagine SP is actually having a high old time re-discovering past treasures and fining new homes to display said items. Nothing will get thrown away as SP, as we now know is a hoarder,

The food arrives and talk turns to other things but I can sense that SP and his boxes are more on Sukis mind than anything else we have to chat about.

Late that afternoon, when several Prosecco cocktails have numbed the pain of a house full of oddities, Sukis phone lights up with a text from SP.

‘all done’ it proclaims – ‘can I come out now? ‘. Within 15 minutes, SP, Rocksey and Mr Lucky turn up at the bar, Rocksey is looking sheepish, hiding something behind his back. SP summons blue eyes with a round of JDs for the boys and further cocktails for the ladies. The drinks this time are brought by the smiley waitress who, having recognised the guys, is more smiley than she already has been all afternoon. Blue eyes is now sulking behind the bar realising that no matter how good looking he is and how attentive his services, Suki is not to be turned by her own blue eyed boy who now, in her good books, explains that Mr Lucky and Rocksey have helped sort out the boxes and taken their pick of the goodies inside.

I turn to Rocksey with my eyebrows raised……..He offers me his hand …..which when I take it comes away from his shirt……ahhhggggghhhh everyone laughs including Suki. SP’s given me a prosthetic hand Rocksey is bent double with laughter – he inherited it from his grandad he wanted it to go to a good home!! he splutters.

I shake my head at Suki in despair, I now also know where those boxes of SP’s are……in the boot of Rockseys car no doubt!!!


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