Many years ago when living on a moshav in the Negev desert in Israel I used to get bitten a lot by mosquitos. ‘Sweet Virgin blood’ my farmers family used to say whenever I presented my lumpy arms and legs to them in the mornings crying and itching like mad. I think that the response to the bites was somehow lost in translation, as how my (then) scandanavian boyfriend and I laughed at this description as we performed bedroom olympics that had the walls of the shack we lived in shaking on a nightly basis. What they actually meant was that mozzies will bite anyone and only if you have built up an intolerance will they not bother you ( or slather yourself in yucky smelling repellant) – my English skin had never seen a mosquito until that summer and boy ! did they make themselves known !
In another life, Rocksey also had a run in with natures finest. Never kick mounds of dust/sand in Florida he was warned by a ‘knowing’ friend. You know why? Rocksey still shudders when recalling the day when he kicked a mound of dusty earth and the wrath of the Fire Ant was unleashed upon him – they even bite under water he told me after diving into the pool to drown the hundreds that clung onto him with their bitey jaws.
This brings me to a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my golf instructor – The Player ( or TP to his friends)- who is off to Dubai next month on holiday. The Player has been to Dubai on many occasion -in fact it seems to be a yearly missive, same 2 weeks in September, same hotel – probably even the same room -possibly not the same holiday companion but more of that another time ( and the reason why he is known as The Player I assume). TP likes the finer things in life, champagne, fast cars, racehorses, designer clothes. He never realy did very well at school, partially dislexic, he spent his days playing golf and became a professional at 18 years old and made his money from that ( apart from a brief stint as a cage dancer – I have no clue on this), becoming one of the Worlds best golfers rather than any traditional work related way He lives with the Agent Provocateur (and I am unable to divulge in this further ……) on an exclusive Country Estate. But after an accident he retired from professional playing and now owns his own very exclusive golf club of which Rocksey and I are priviliged enough to be members of ( they do let the rif raf in on occasion – TP is known to retort snakily whenever he sees us in the bar) – although I know he loves us both dearly – particularly as I have been having lessons from him since earlier this year topping up his champagne lifestyle no doubt!
So the conversation went like this:
me: where are you off to on your hols then?
TP: Yes, I have insect issues
Insect issues it turns out for TP , are pretty much like my sweet virgin blood but much worse, possibly on the scale of Rockseys Fire Ant incident but with mozzies being the main culprits. Apparently if bitten, TP blows up like a balloon in a nasty itchy sweaty abscess type rash which has culminated in hospital stays and large needles. Now when you are paying several thousands of ££s to have a sunshine break you really don’t want to have to spend any of that time in hospital, so Dubai, according to TP, has no mosquitos ( although my friend who lives in Jumeriah Islands would disagree) and therefore, unless kicking over dusty mounds of earth and stirring up the wrath of the fire ant, TP gets to enjoy his holidays bite free. TP reminds me that there are no dusty mounds of earth in his very exclusive hotel and if there were then he definitly would not be staying there again!!
Moving on from this, TP then took AP horseracing for 5 days down in the depths of the Sussex countryside – no mosquitos there either – for a few days indulging in his second favourite hobby of gambling. I am unsure as to whether any of his own horses were running in any race but he did win rather a lot over the course of the Meet. I think AP then spent this on several pairs of louboutins ( or she should have – I would have done)!
TP and I had a golf lesson booked a couple of days after their return but was cancelled at short notice with a text from TP:
TP: sorry need to cancel
me: why? how was your break?
TP: 5 days massive body abcess – need to sleep
me: OMG !!!!!! ok speak soon
Insect issues ???? sounds more like inspect wars!!!! 5 days massive body abcess….surely he would have been put in an oxygen bubble to prevent infection or worse…I started to genuinly feel sorry for TP, all of that money, all of the fame and not able to even send a few days in Sussex without sucumbing to the wrath of the humble British gnat! Poor TP would have to live the rest of his life like Bubble Boy ( the 2004 film starring Jake Gyllenhaal, who experiences a number of adventures, including encounters with freaks, bikers, rock stars, and a cult- possibly the funniest film I have ever seen and now a cult classic). (TP would probably say that he already has daily encounters with all of the above and thats even on days when Rocksey and I don’t bump into him!!) How would he play golf again? Perhaps I got get to hit him in his bubble with my Driver at the golf range ( the Club not the man who drives me around) – at least it would be big enough for me to actually hit -but more of my absymal golfing skills another time)!!
The following week I tentatively turn up for a lesson fully expecting one of TPs minions waiting for me, but no, the man himself, nonchanantly swinging his 7 iron in my direction and looking perfectly fine – no sign of any full body abscess.
Wow, I say, the peniccillin worked wonders you look great.
TP looks puzzled. What are you talking about? he asks.
The 5 day body abscess!! I pull out my phone and show him the text.I was really worried about you – what happened?
TP stares at my phone and then stares back at me and then back at the phone, then he starts to laugh….and laugh…and laugh.
Blood predictive text – he wipes the tears from his eyes – I meant to say 5 days body ABUSE – you know from the massive amounts of Krystal we drank – I had to sleep it off for a few days when we got back…i’m not drinking like that again in a hurry!
I look at him in disbelief, I should have known with him being dislexic.Come on – he says – lets see if your skill at being really abysmal at golf is getting to be just abysmal.
I look in my bag to see if the Driver is there……….