This weekend in the UK we celebrate Bonfire Night in ode to Guy fawkes who attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605. Celebrations usually involve a bonfire where effigies of said Traitor are burnt and fireworks set off to remember the gunpowder used in Fawkes thwarted plot. Fawkes himself suffered a sorry end where he was kept in the Tower of London for a few short weeks and  then on being taken to be  hung, drawn and quartered with his other conspirators, as he was climbing up to the Gallows, he jumped from the ladder and broke his neck dying instantly from the fall. These days huge firework displays are organised by Councils and Clubs as well as smaller family gatherings where kids and adults alike ooh and ahhh over the fireworks brave dads set off  the rockets and hope they don’t shoot off in the wrong direction and burn down the shed ( or worse).

This year TP had organised a display at his golf club  – everyone was invited  and paid to get through the gate at a cost per car  – in aid of charity of course- . As the majority of club members drive cars with only 2 seats this worked out more costly for those coming in larger groups than if they had squashed into a Chelsea Tractor where you could easily fit 6 people for the same cost. TP, of course, knows his audience and by the time we rolled up in Suky’s new Toyota GT86 we had a job to squeeze in amongst the Ferraris and Lamborghinis. 

The place was packed to the rafters, a funfair offered kiddies rides as well as a ghost train and a Ferris Wheel for thrill seekers along with fairground stalls, hook a duck and hoopla, fast food stands selling candy floss and hot dogs and of course, Rockseys favourite place, a free bar ( hence the hefty price tag to get in and TP ( ever the businessman) knowing that if everyone drove, then there wouldn’t be too much alcohol drunk throughout the course of the evening). However, he under estimates how much Rocksey and SP can consume in an evening and TP – always the genial host –  loves a drink with Rocksey.

SP was in one of his moods where taken out of his comfort zone he feels the need to mutter a lot into his JD about ‘posh golfing c**ts’. Luckily he is older and wiser than when he used to be taken out of his comfort zone when he was a (much) younger man when, on spending an evening in the much maligned ‘night spot’ The Jesters he got into several fracas with the ‘locals’ and spent an evening at A&E muttering about ‘scumbag f**kers’. Wandering through the bar muttering to himself, he looks up and sees one of his and Suky’s friends from their local Club looking quizzzically at him. F**k me its Panos  shouts SP much to the surprise of many of the older Club members who were genially sipping on hot toddys provided by AP ( who looked less of a spy tonight and more like super model Rosie Huntingdon -Whitely in her  winter warming Burberry poncho). SP happy with his new found ‘golfing c**t ‘ drinking partner, Suky and I left Rocksey and TP deep in conversation about Jeffrey West boots and the merits of shirt garters to watch the fireworks in peace.

Around about 40 minutes later when the last firework had lit up the sky we came back to the bar to find TP, Rocksey, SP and Panos indulging in a game of Poker, car keys in the centre of the table. What on earth is going on? Suky shrieked as she spotted her beloved Toyota keys in the mix. Now I don’t think I need to spell this out, but the last time Suky had been to a party where car keys were in the middle of the table it did not mean that the winner of the Poker game took the keys of his choice and took the car home. Suky makes a grab for her keys whilst clipping SP round the head knocking him flying out of his seat. Now Suky can’t really pack that much of a punch but SP was, at this point, quite drunk, and taken off guard he went flying straight into AP who was bringing over some more drinks for the boys. Well the scene could only come out of a Carry On film. SP goes headlong into AP who lets go of the tray of drinks which goes crashing onto the table covering TP in a heady cocktail of beers and bourbon all over his Vivienne Westwood jacket. In the ensuing panic to avoid the drinks TP jumps up knocking the table over, including Panos who ends up  on the floor pinned down by the table. The flying drinks, table and SP have all missed Rocksey who is actually still sitting on his chair with his cards in his hand. I think I may have just won, he says calmly, bends down and picks up a set of car keys. Mine I believe- he turned to TP dangling the key to TPs Maserati on his finger.

Luckily Rocksey is too drunk to drive TPS car home and I take the keys from him  – I think its time to leave –  I pop TPs keys in APs hand who is still standing there open mouthed at the chaos before her. 

By the time Suky drops us off, SP is snoring in the back of the Toyota oblivious to the fireworks still going off into the night and possibly to the fireworks that are going to happen once she gets him home! 

The next morning, Rocksey gets a text from TP. Oh no I think this might mean we’re barred from the golf club, he sighs before opening the message,

Hi Rocksey – the text reads – great night -fancy a game of Texas Hold ‘Em next week ?

I think I  will need to keep hold of the car keys for the next few weeks! 


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