Tiger feet



Rocksey and I have had a busy Christmas time and New Year but now things are getting back to normal at Rocksey Towers. Rockseys plan for January this year was  to be  learn to play the Banjo he bought before Christmas in Brighton on a flying visit to see The Baron and Missy before we all headed off to different parts of the Globe to celebrate Christmas. However, Rocksey has a broken wrist, the tale of how this happened is mine to tell………

We spent NY Eve with Marsh and Melody where Marsh was contemplating ‘early’ retirement. Marsh, being his own boss, can work whenever he pleases, if no one is breathing down his neck wanting jingles for adverts selling washing powder or white goods or a new Indian soap opera is not on the horizon, then Marsh spends his time doing what he likes to do best – collecting vinyl. His searches take him far and wide and always  – much to Melody’s chagrin – results in him bringing back his hoard within which there are sometimes hidden gems but mostly dirge from the 1970’s which only Marsh and Rocksey are partial to.

Marsh has decided – in his own head and I hasten to add – not with Melody’s agreement – that 2017 is the year when he will not be chained to the whims of advertisement agencies who say they want original material for their ads and then change their minds at the last minute and use 20 seconds of old punk rock songs instead. This year- he announced – after several glasses of red wine – I will be my own boss and I am going to take a Sabbatical from trying to make ‘Lets Go’  rhyme with AO, BO or CEO – I am going to spend my days doing what I like to do! Melody drained her glass of champagne and sighed dramatically. That means more piles of records everywhere she waved her hand around their pretty but teeny tiny 17th century cottage (nearly knocking off a pile of books and knick knacks from the welsh dresser beside her) – where is he going to put it all? That’s what I want to know!!  Marsh hasn’t thought this through properly, he had considered a lock up but the nearest garage complex is in a part of town where he wouldn’t really want to visit after dark and the potential for damp would also be damaging to the records – he needs somewhere with climate control and in a safe place with electricity where he could listen to his memories without distraction………the light bulb goes off in both Marshes and Rockseys head at the same time. Ta Dah!! I could store them in your recording studio! Marsh waves his glass around excitedly sloshing most of its contents on their solid oak floor – then we can spend some time working on your new project as well!! Rockseys new project involves a spin off ‘virtual’ band, tapping in to a brand new  bluegrass/punk genre of music involving  – for the moment – mostly him playing all of the instruments (in his head, Rocksey considers himself  a bit like Prince – but without the high heels). However there had been some initial discussion (mostly fuelled by Jack Daniels) with SP as to the potential of the venture and with Marsh having a cameo appearance in a new video (maybe along with Burr as part of the zombie barbershop quartet).  Rocksey nods his head sagely – with a few beers in him Rocksey always thinks Marshes ideas are great – its usually only the next day when he asks me what he actually agreed to and how he can get out of it.

Before I could jump in with a reason why Marsh could not hoard his vinyl at ours ( largely due to the fact that Rocksey has a hoard almost the same size and even at Rocksey Towers there is finate space), Rocksey had embraced the idea and was dancing – what I can only describe as – a jig of excitement– I think the thought of having the entire Mud back catalogue at his fingertips  was too much to comprehend, he was in his element and with this enthusiasm Marsh also got up and started to dance, both of them  looking to the world as a pair of large mammals entering into a mating dance.  Middle aged men – and those that should know better – dancing after a few too many red wines is not a sight I particularly would like to witness at such close quarters and Melodys look of horror must have matched mine. Unable to stop what was unfolding in front of us, Marsh then trying a rendition of the Tiger Feet dance lurched too far forward and started to lose his balance, the remaining red wine and crystal glass flung up in the air as he reached out for Rocksey to save him. But Rocksey was unprepared for the full force of Marsh toppling down on top of him and in his slippery leather soled Mexicana boots, as Marsh fell on top of him, his feet slipped on the oak floor (Melody rued the day she caught the Lithuanian cleaner polishing this with Mr Sheen rather than the expensive wax that the salesperson had advised her to use when the floor was laid)and down they both went. There was a moments silence as both Melody and I gawped at the two men at our feet. Then Rocksey let out a string of expletives pushing Marsh off him whilst I heard Melody then screaming that the red wine had splashed all over her cream suede sofa and there were shards of broken crystal everywhere.

The remainder of New Years Eve was spent at the local hospitals A and E department with the towns drunks and a kid who had pushed 4 M&Ms up his nose and was dribbling blue snot out of his nostril. Rocksey escaped Marshs assault with a broken wrist whilst Marsh ended up with a broken nose and an egg sized lump on his head -two black eyes followed over the coming days. Melody has banned Mash from any potential thoughts on retirement until the oak floor and cream suede sofa have been replaced and he has paid for her to have a holiday in the sun to recover from the trauma of NY Eve. I feel lucky only for the fact that I do not have to listen to Muds back catalogue or watch either Rocksey or Marsh dance again – either together or separately! I am also spared  – for the time being at least – of having to listen  to Rocksey learning to play the banjo – it sits silently I the corner of the living room for now!


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