Back to Reality NOT


Well the partying couldn’t go on forever, Marsh went back to his part-time directorships Penguino went off to his retreat, Melody and Suki stayed on in Greece to take in the culture they said, more like the wine I thought. Me and Rocksey returned home with nothing planned or so I thought.

After a couple of days lazing around and strumming his guitar (were still on the same song by the way) Rocksey announced “were off” where I squawked back at him. Spain ! !! !  why Spain?. I’ve arranged a few solo gigs there just low-key 20 to 30 people max he said. But you only know 2 songs and neither of them are perfect and you don’t even know all the lyrics to them, you can’t go and humm your way through. I have to admit i was a touch concerned in Rockseys eyes he was a far better guitarist than he actually was and yes he could get away with mumbling the lyrics to his own songs  but not to the classics he was proposing.

Two days later my bags were packed “wheres your bags” I asked Rocksey ?, “here” was the response WHERE I shouted back. Proudly Rocksey showed me his old school satchel “here”. “you’ve got to be joking ” I retorted “no” here is my BAG! !. Well don’t come complaining to me in a few days when you stink and even I wont come within 10 yards of you.

The first few days were just fine hot sunshine, azul blue skies, and great people. Rocksey had surpassed himself with the early organisation and even the first show was good, the people seemed to enjoy it and Rocksey certainly did. “Its far more intense” he said  just me and the people non of that stage show, fireworks and lights this is far better.

it wasn’t long before we had it the south of Spain (an area I knew very well) we’d taken up residence in one of Rockseys Spanish friends villas Rocksey was playing in the local bars and I was just touring around. I’m off to Granada for a few days I told Rocksey, Ok see you when you get back. Now this was unusual Rocksey normally likes to know when and where, who and how when a trip is organised but this time not a question. I have to admit I wasn’t so sure about going now. But off I went “see you in three days I called” “bye have a great time” was the reply. out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Rocksey sprinting out towards the terrace. no time to investige now my driver had turned up and off I went.

Now what happened next is Rockseys version of events so belive what you might.A few phone calls later and Marsh and Penguino were both on their way to meet Rocksey. Rocksey had now realised that his guitar playing wasnt the best and required the silken skills of Penguino but why Marsh that I couldn’t work out.

Man hugs were handed out as soon as Penguino and Marsh arrived and the beers were opened. “whats the plan” Penguino enquired. “latin speaking countries” there’s a massive market out there and together we can take it. Also we start tonight here’s the song list, Rocksey handed the list to Penguing. Penguino looked back at Rocksey and said “is this the right list” yep was the reply. No problem Penguino replied. Senor Penguino could play just about any song and if he couldn’t he could produce a tune which was just as good. When tonight in the harbour was the response a small venue 30 to 40 max  it will be great but before lets clear these beers. Now Marsh perked up at the sound of beer as the temperature was now in the high 30’s. What do I do asked Marsh you’ve got your tambourine like I asked, “yep” dont i need to know what songs and where I play? not really its all by ear Rocksey replied. This had marsh slightly concerned but as another beer had made its way into his hand all worries soon disappeared.

The sweltering day slid into the early evening and Rocksey and Penguino were getting ready Rocksey still living out of his tiny bag and recycling as much as he could. Penguino had borrowed a guitar from the local store, with the proviso he signed the guitar and spent a few hours in the store the following day. Marsh was still laying beside the Pool, Come on marsh were off.

The shout startled Marsh awake and he sprung into action dashing towards the car, you’re not changing he was asked. I’ve got some things in my bag “let’s go”. Rocksey was sat next to Marsh in the car and he could feel the heat coming off Marsh. You going to ne ok tonight he enquired. Unusual for Rocksey to be concerned but Marsh usually was the colour of milk and now he was slowley turning the colour of a tomato.

In through the back door they went. The three Amigos as they had billed themselves bundled themselves towards the stage. Rocksey stopped them and handed Marsh some castanets “what are these” Marsh asked “you’ll need them was the reply and with that the curtains opened Penguino started immediately the crowd loved him straight away slick and professional then Rocksey, not bad by all accounts carrying off LOLA almost note perfect. By now the sun and beer had caught up with Marsh and for the first couple of songs he was great in time and even pushing the song were required, but while Rocksey was doing his inter song chats Marsh kept on having a sip or two from the drinks provided. Rocksye and Penguino sipped water. By the fifth song Marsh seemed to have disappeared Rocksey looked at penguino and Penguino shrugged. Then night drew to a close rapturous applause echoed around the venue as they left the stage. Rocksey announced as they left the stage “clothes shopping tomorrow” I can’t keep wearing the same stuff. Music shop for me tomorrow Penguino replied, he never broke a promise. Marsh would be staying in bed as he was found slumped behind the door between the frame and the toilet. Hard to see as he was now the colour of the tiles and blended in quite well.

The usual words “never again” were uttered by Marsh. Penguino said “he’s not to bad” on percussion is he I might have a gig or two for him when we get back. “just keep him away from the beer” Rocksey said, not even a couple.

The following morning Rocksey and Penguino sat back on the terrace beer in hand betting on what time Marsh would appear, Marsh who had been taken to A&E last night with sunstroke and alcohol poisoning, it appears the drink marsh kept sipping till he started slipping was 80% proof, and the doctor had informed him no alcohol for 5 days and no sun either. What am I supposed to do Marsh asked I’m in Spain and I can’t go in the sun or have a Beer? Penguino and Rocksey full of sympathy shouted back at Marsh “were off to the beach to catch a few rays and a beer or two see ya later”……




Day Tripping ! ! !


Well Marsh had been fretting about visiting his mothers small seaside home, ever since she informed him she was moving to live in Florida for the rest of her years, as England had got far to cold for her. Marsh suspected it was really to do with tax purposes.

Marsh had convinced Rocksey it would be a great idea for them both to go and visit his former family home by the sea. Now Marsh had told Rocksey for years about how run down the place was and of its former glory when marsh used to live there and run the estate, Stating how his mother didn’t really have an interest in the grounds or building. All she wanted to do according to marsh was jet around the world following the summer.

Now Rocksey has been in a car driven by Marsh before and he had sworn NEVER to be in the same car as Marsh whilst marsh was driving. But Marsh had just had his new car delivered and Rocksey wasnt one to turn down a ride in what Marsh called his runaround car which turned pout to be a top of the range Aston martin. Belive it or not both Marsh & Rocksey saw themselves as James Bond and would often while away the days telling each other how they’d make a better Bond than Daniel Craig.


So on this fine sunny morning Marsh and Rocksey set off on the three-hour drive to Marshes family home. Less that 5 minutes into the journey Rocksey had his head in his hands as Marsh yelled out of the window at cars that wouldn’t get out of his way. The fact that they were stationary at traffic lights didnt phase Marsh, as per normal he’d let the world know he was in a rush. Rocksey pointed out they were not in any rush as nobody was expecting them which seemed to calm Marsh down for a few minutes. But as Marsh sped through the countryside relying on his satnav to inform him of any speed cameras that may lurk around the next corner (mobile or fixed) he gleefully informed Rocksey he hadn’t been caught speeding in the last two weeks ! ! ! ! …. All was progressing well until Marsh had to slam on the brakes only just avoiding becoming part on one of the largest tractors Rocksey had seen. Now this tractor big as it was could only travel at about 10mph and the roads were now all blind bends and hills and hollows and even Marsh in all his fury wouldn’t attempt to pass, so Marsh spent the next 3 miles shouting abuse and throwing things out of the car window at the tractor all to no effect. Wearing ear protectors the driver of the tractor wouldnt have heard if marsh was shouting right next to him rather than 10mtrs behind him.

Rocksey at this point put his own earphones on and turned up the music loud knowing this was going to be one of the longest 3 hours of his life and he would ignor the Victor Meldrew that was driving. Three hours later they arrived at the run down home. Rocksey announced “I see your driving hasn’t improved or your road manners” Rocksey had always compared Marsh’s driving to that of Dick Dastardly in Wacky races always rushing and speeding but always taking longer to get anywhere that any normal driver.

Now this run down shack as Marsh had been describing the former family home was anything buthouse-near-sea-1

As you can see a most impressive house overlooking the Atlantic. Wow Rocksey said to Marsh any of the staff still here. Marsh mumbled that he didn’t know and carried on cursing every driver he had seen and even some he hadn’t seen but he knew they were on the road somewhere. Marsh threw the doors open and call out to see if anyone was there, Rocksey immediately spied a Steinberg grand piano place so the musician stared out towards the ocean and ignoring Marsh and his shouts made a ‘B’line for the instrument. lets come up with a new song he shouted to Marsh. Now Rocksey doesn’t know how to play the piano and the din that was created with Rockseys Singing !!!  and playing soon had the house keeper in the room. Master Marsh she exclaimed its been a long time, this tickled Rocksey “Master Marsh” he replied more like “Master Ba***” but was cut short by Marsh.

Marsh and the house keeper left the room to sort out finances Rocksey carried on playing and singing, finally declaring that McCartney and Lennon couldn’t have come up with a better song. After a tour around the home Rocksey turned to Marsh and said “you said this was a rundown shack” it is was the response. With this Rocksey made a sharp left turn as the drinks cabinet had been located, throwing the doors wide open Rocksey declared “PARTY TIME” and fired off the cork from a bottle of Krug 1988 Champagne at Marshes head. We’ll get a driver to take us home Rocksey Shouted as he waltzed off towards what he now called the music room, “and that will be in a few days “I LOVE IT HERE” get the dinner Marsh I’m hungry”

Marsh got the housekeeper to get some food together as now Rocksey had ALCOHOL – FOOD – MUSIC  he was set for a few days at least, this time it was Marsh with his head in his hands he knew it was a waste of time trying to change Rockseys mind and reluctantly got himself a glass knowing within the hour Marsh would be asleep on the floor somewhere.

It’s like Hypnotising chickens

Suky and SP went out for an alternative cabaret evening. A hypnotist was part of the show along with Burlesque dancers,  drag acts and magicians. Suky was hoping  Dynamo would make an appearance which is why she forked out an extortionate amount of cash for a front row table.

The cabaret was hosted in an art deco ballroom with a central stage and candlelit tables surrounding it. To go along with the 1920’s vibe, the theme was  Speakeasy with ‘prohibition’ cocktails and copious amounts of ‘hooch’ were readily available and SP made the most of the variety of Bourbons on sale and ‘e cigarettes’ in flavours of cherry and honey to complement the southern style whiskeys.

The comedians and dancers warmed up the audience. Suky and SP – always animated in large crowds – started off exchanging pleasantries with their neighbouring tables but after the steak dinner ( which was part of the evening), SP invited the adjacent couples  to join them making a large group that the Management conceded would spend far more money as a whole than separately and bottles of champagne and bourbon were soon left on the tables after SP surrendered his Black Amex Charge card to the bar manager. 

Half way through the revelries, the hypnotist took his turn on the stage. Asking for a volunteer from the audience his gaze, scanning the room, settled on SP. ‘You Sir?’ He asked, extending his hand towards him. SP smirked. – you can’t hypnotise me- he laughed – I don’t believe in that rubbish, he nods over at Suky – she will though…..

‘No Sir, let me cast that doubt from your mind’, the hypnotist was firm , his extended hand not wavering from SP. SP shrugged and laughed and got to his feet. Go on then mate, do your worst!! He laughed, taking hold of the hypnotists hand and climbed onto the stage.

For twenty minutes, the hypnotist worked on SP. It was very jokey, Suzy recalled almost as if they were partners in crime and had worked on a stage show prior to going on stage…almost as if SP had been a plant in the audience. The hypnotist took out a pocket watch and suggested SP followed it with his eyes as he swung it backwards and forwards. SP pretended to fall asleep only to fixate the audience with a stage wink when the hypnotist turned his attention to something else for a second. He pretended to fall into a trance, snoring loudly and then walked around the stage arms stretched out in front of him like a zombie, leaving the audience in tears of laughter. All the time the hypnotist talked to him in a low almost inaudible tone only loudly stating towards the end of the act that it was indeed impossible to hypnotise SP, that he was beyond help and on hearing that SP had been brought up in a pub, should spend the rest of the evening clearing glasses to enhance his experience of the evening further. 

SP returned to his seat, told you, he whispered to Suky, no one can hypnotise me! The hypnotist took several other men from the audience, had them begging like dogs, taking off their clothes and pretending to me strippers much to the snorts of derision from SP that the man was a fraud and the participants were just pretending to be hypnotised for the audiences delight and would be paid  at the end of the night.  It’s like hypnotising chickens he laughed!

After the hypnotist left the stage and there was a 10 minute break before the next Act, Suky went to the loo and on her return found the table clear of glasses and empty bottles and SP no where to be seen, thinking the waiting staff were very efficient and SP was also in the loo or at the bar, she didn’t think much of it and started to chat with one of the other women who had joined them.’Whats your husband doing?’ The woman pointed in the direction of the bar. Suky turned staring incredulously as she watched SP move from table to table with a gigantic glass stack in the crook of hie elbow, whisking glasses of tables he added to the stack as it started to bend perilously. ‘I have no idea’ Suky watched in wonder as SP deposited the stack at the bar then headed off in the other direction swiftly creating a second stack which, again, he returned to the bar. 

This went on until the he lights went down for the next Act. And SP returned to his seat at the front table.’ What are you doing? Suky whispered oddly, ‘I thought you said he hadn’t hypnotised you, why are you pretending he did? SSP looked at Suky as if she had suddenly started speaking in tongues ‘What are you on about woman?’ He poured a drink from the bottle of Bourbon on the table ‘shhhh the next act is on’. They watched this and after 20 minutes the lights came on again and SP got up from the table and started clearing the empty glasses. ‘SP’Suky put her hand on his arm, ‘ the staff do that you know, your not in the pub now….’. ‘I have a job to do’SP brushed her off and off he went again, moving a round the room backwards and forwards until the empty glasses were back on the bar and the tables cleared again ready in time for the finale of the evening.

 Finally the evening comes to a close and  just before the lights come up for the  last time, the hypnotist came back on stage wearing a fabulous Cheshire Cat style grin. He beckoned at  SP and curling his fingers in a ‘come hither’ signal. ‘Ahhhh Signor Pinguino, please humour me for a second and climb back onto the stage with me’. ‘Go on ‘Suky pushed him towards the hypnotist – ‘he’s bloody well gone and done it and you need to be snapped out of it’. SP nonplussed looks at the hypnotist in all innocence. ‘ hey mate you didn’t hypnotise me’ he laughed’ but I will humour you’, he climbs up onto the stage and does a series of theatrical bows to the audience. . ‘ What have you been up to in the intervals this evening’ asked the hypnotist. SP looks at him quizzically ‘ ‘nothing’ he says, ‘I went to the toilet and had a fag….’. ‘ No you didn’t ‘ shouts Suky – ‘you’ve been collecting glasses…The whole time!’.   SP denied this but the entire audience agrees with Suky. The hypnotist takes a bow, whispers something in SP’s ear and snaps his fingers. SP suddenly looks shell shocked glancing wildly around . It occurs to Suky that SP didn’t even know he was on the stage. His gaze rests on the hypnotist and then back at Suky. The audience are deafening in their applause. SP sits back down. – ‘ what just happened? ‘ he asks her.

The lights come up and people start to leave. SP still remains at the table. The funny thing was, Suky recounts later, he had no recollection of the evening, he thought the the evening had just started not ended and didn’t remember a thing, least of all collecting glasses. The evening has remained lost to SP’s memory,  however, when the Amex bill came in he had to admit that something must have happened as he clearly didn’t remember spending that much money! The funny thing is Suky smiles – I think something has stayed in his brain cos now he clears the table after dinner, EVERY NIGHT and he never did that before!! I think perhaps next time they go to see the hypnotist I might volunteer Rocksey up on stage, perhaps I might also get a little help with the housework now and again!!