New album (week 1 recordings) part 1 

Well the first week of recordings went better Than could have been expected, with the sunshine, beer, beach close at hand. Rocksey had put the guide vocals down, and as per usual these had no resemblance to what the final takes would be. Rocksey as per normal put no effort or feelings into them and as per usual stated they wont be used and NO ONE will ever hear them. Penguino had spent the rest of the week putting down guitar and bass tracks and ignoring Marshs request to allow him to put one bass track down. Penguino being rather kind I thought told Marsh ” I would sooner let a squashed Baboon put a bass track than let you loose on one of the tracks” this just seemed to bounce off Marsh as he told Rocksey, Penguino was thinking about letting him loose.

Drums down, bass guitar down , lead and rhythm done just the solos to complete. And a Banjo track that Penguino wanted to put on 92 In The Shade. Marsh could be seen skuttling about a bit like a Orc in the darkened corners of the building, drinking from a bottle of red wine and carrying his tambourine (Rockseys tambourine really) waiting for his turn. Marshs first attemp ended in a utter disaster as he couldnt keep time even with the simplest beat. Penguino had stormed out after 3 hours of listening to Marshs attempts. Rocksey gave up a couple of hours later and left marsh trying to keep time with no one listening or recording just the one light left switched on in the mixing room keeping Marsh company.

Well 5 days had passed since Marshs last attempt and he was under strict orders “NO DRINKING” nothing alcoholic from dawn until he was finished in the studio. Penguino told Rocksey you have no chance he’ll be drunk before 10AM and he don’t get up till 9AM. One last chance that’s it “I told him he could appear on the album”  – (Marsh has been in many bands but never had a real release) “Your wasting valuable time Penguino shouted “I could bring my pet lizard and we would get things done quicker” “one last chance Rocksey shouted back”

Rocksey sent out the word Marsh was required, the time now was 11AM Marsh hadn’t been seen all morning, then just like the shop keeper in Mr Ben, He appeared ! ! ! ! ! 


BEER IN HAND and a idiots grin spread across his sunburnt face. “What did I tell you No BEER”, I’m ok Marsh replied his words sliding out of the corner of his mouth dribbling down his chin and bouncing off the empty wine bottles in his pockets. “Get out ” Rocksey shouted if Penguino see you you’ll be out of the house and sent back to the UK. Marsh disappeared post haste the sound of bottles and cans echoing as he sped down the hall. Rocksey thought it sounded like santas sleigh and had a wry smile. Picking up the tambourine Rocksey said to the engineer “lets get through the first 4 tracks and NOT a word to Penguino ”

Rocksey had the tracks done in 2 hours and went hunting the elusive (orc) Marsh ! ! ! !

Marsh where are you, marsh had taken refuge in his favourite wardrobe surrounded by his favourite wines and was chatting away to them like they were all listening “there hunting us my precious, I won’t let them take you” the sound of Rockseys calls soon faded and Marsh curled up with his new friends and drifted off dreaming of a land where rivers were wine, seas were beer and all food tasted of burgers…. TO BE CONTINUED 

Hablo Español (bigo blacko dogo)

Marsh bounded into the kitchen, where Rocksey and Penguino were eating, “Ive worked it out – it all makes sense now” Marsh blurted, whilst leaving a trail of beer cans, champagne bottle, and red wine bottle behind him. “Worked what out” both friends asked, both looking stunned at the trail of destruction that Marsh was leaving in his wake. The language its easy, sorted, I’m going shopping by myself to prove it as well, “what do we need ?, Rocksey and penguino gave Marsh a list “I wont be needing that just tell me” was his reply. What about the mess you’ve made “I’ll clear it in the morning” (That was Marshs answer for everything)

Marsh sprinted to the door shouting “HASTA LA MEGRA ! ! !” Rocksey looked at Penguino and shrugged, What does that mean penguino asked Rocksey “I have no idea” Rocksey replied. (Rocksey is fluent in Spanish). What do you think he will bring back ? At least the water as we really need that ! ! ! ! .

Somehow Marsh arrived at the supermarket (2 hours after setting off) and its only a 2 mile drive.Bounced across the car park yelping and squealing as he’d forgotten his shoes and the tarmac was almost the temperature of the sun. Marsh always saw himself as a bit of a lewis Hamilton when behind a shopping trolley, so after demolishing the display of tined beans and narrowly avoiding the cooked meats counter, he decided to walk and not run barefooted on a marble floor still not a good idea. Marsh resembled Bambi on ice as he made his way towards the water section, UNFORTUNATLY he had to pass the BEER to get there ! ! ! ! ! . With a trolley now groaning under the weight of the beer cans Marsh(Bambi) opened a can sipped the cool contents and tried to remember what it was he was supposed to get. In a flash he thought he had remembered and staring pushed the over laden trolley towards the salad and vegtables.

This was it Marsh V The Spanish language (HAsta la Megra/poor fav four/buenos nochees/chocolate) he was fluent according to himself. The stunned shop assistant looked at Marsh like he was an alien as Marsh reeled off his entire Spanish vocabulary, nothing making any sense to anyone who may have heard. Marsh decided the assistant must be a bit deaf so reeled off his Spanish again and this time with gestures and three times the volume and spilling beer on a now glass like floor which had Marshs legs going 10 to the dozen just to stand still. Marsh looked like a demented chicken speaking alien and drinking his still unpaid for beer (The shop are YouTubeing  the cctv later today) shouting in a strange Spanish accent and doing charade actions for “I want turkey” (you imagine the scene) ……..

8 hours later that day there was a knock at the door and the supermarket delivery van was outside. “Mr Rocksey” the driver asked “yes” this is yours we believe. The driver opened the back doors of the van and poured Marsh into the hall, Also he bought these, the driver handed Rocksey a box of now completely melted cornettos and defrosted broad beans! ! “The bill is €275 “the driver said. “WHAT” was Rockseys reply “€275 for cornettos and broad beans and we don’t have the contents of the cornettos just a soggy box ? ?. “No thats for the damage he caused and the BEER he drank” Rocksey paid the driver and turned to look at Marsh. he wasn’t there. Marsh had disappeared and neither Rocksey or Penguino could find him.

Penguino said to Rocksey “he’s gotta go he’s gotta go you cant keep letting him off”. “I know “.

Rocksey and Penguino climbed into the car list in hand, “its always easier to do it ourselves” quicker cheaper cleaner and we get what we wanted. As the pair drove off the upstairs curtains twitched as Marsh peeped out Champagne in one hand wine in the other, creeping off to hide in the wardrobe Marsh could be heard congratulating himself on his mastery of the Spanish language,navigation skills,shopping trolley driving and his all round super human ability and not mention his belief that he could drink Oliver Reed under the table. ( marsh couldn’t drink a five year old under the table let alon Oliver Reed)

Vegan Holiday & New Tracks 

Tomorrow Rocksey was off to his Spanish retreat for 6 weeks, Claiming after the last festival performances he needed time to reflect. Since sharing the stage with the likes of Rob Zombie, Rocksey had now allowed me to try a Vegan lifestyle on him, I had been living a pescaterian life for some years now, but trying to get Rocksey to give up meat had always been a resounding No from him 

Now Rocksey was going out with Marsh and Penguino was joining a few days later. This was supposedly to sort the track listing for the next album and to write the last 3 songs. Now Marsh is your typical English (GIRAS) tourist, he wants the same food, Beer and even takes his own. Breakfast cereals and tea bags away with him. How he was going to manage this I had no idea as Rocksey had stated Hand luggage only. Marsh also thought it was going to be a lads booze holiday, Rocksey was set for a working  holiday and recording the new tracks .

Penguino and Rocksey set about the new songs with a vengeance while Marsh relaxed by the bar.Rocksey and Penguino worked through the night and in the early hours the shout of Yes that’s it we’ve captured the sound and the atmosphere we needed. Penguino and Rocksey retired to the bar where they found Marsh slumped over a chair. Rocksey immediately shouted at Marsh “Get your act together your in the studios next”.. To which Marsh responded  in a burbled voice I’ll have a Beer. “You’ll have nothing ” rocksey responded your in the studio now.

Rocksey marched off to the studio with Marsh in tow. Senor Penguino reclined in the chair behind Rocksey and whispered ” I told you it was a bad idea to include Marsh”. Rocksey responded lets give tonight a go, But if tonight doesn’t work we’ll discuss it more.

All Marsh had to do was put a percussion track down on three tracks but long into the night and after many takes on the first track Marsh still couldnt keep rhythem or time Penguino had stormed out shouting “Call me when he’s gone I told you it was a Bad idea” Rocksey kept on trying to preserver with Marsh but it was getting harder and harder to tolerate his bad timing and poor rhythem and NO Musical talent at all. Eventually Rocksey switched the desk and the lights off turned his back on the studio and decided to join Penguino at the local bar and leave Marsh stood in the studio with his tambourine and no rhythem or talent in the studio.

When Rocksey arrived at the bar Penguino said “well what have you done” the reply was swift and curt “he’s got no talent no timing and he cant drink he’s out” Penguino and Rocksey clinked glasses and toasted the new tracks without percussion . We’ll put the percussion on tomorrow when Marsh is out of the way. At least it will be in time Penguino said. 

Night Train to Nowhere

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With Melody at the New York fashion week marsh was lost for what to do at the weekend after a hard week at his new venture (vinyl record collecting & selling). He had arranged to meet Rocksey at their favourite drinking venue, The Leyland and Venture a quaint English country pub where Rocksey could go and not be bothered by people wanting selfies, He was just one of the locals there and he loved it.

Well it turns out that Marshe’s new venture had morphed into collecting and not selling no not selling a single one of the records that he bought. I had accompanied Rocksey this weekend as it’s always fun to see the mess Marsh ends up in at the end of the evening, and I was sure this evening would be no different.

We met Marsh at 3pm after I’d dragged Rocksey around the village taking pictures, as normal Rocksey got bored with me taking 20 pictures of each subject very quickly until I suggester some portrait pictures of Rocksey for his new album. this had the same effect on Rocksey as christmas morning to a six-year-old.

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In to the pub we strolled Rocksey did his James Bond and skimmed his hat towards the hat stand, it missed as per normal and clattered a table of drinks, to which i had to buy the people another round of drinks. nothing change I say to Rocksey, one day one day I’ll get that. Marsh was already in the pub sat in the corner looking out over the river already with a couple of empty glasses on the table beside him. “you want another I asked ” “is the pope catholic” was his response “the same I guess” I asked all Marsh did was nod. Rocksey was now reclined on the leather armchair next to Marsh asking about his new venture. (now any of you who read my Blogs will know Marsh isn’t a drinker by any stretch of the imagination)

The day passed quickly Marsh always two drinks ahead of Rocksey and me knowing the mess Marsh would be in later. All of a sudden marsh jumped up from the table and stated He had to catch the train, (with melody away he had no choice) and off he dashed. As soon as he left the pub Rocksey began to chuckle then laugh, what are you laughing about I asked , Marsh Rocksey sobbed Marsh, you know he needs his glasses to read anything, well while he was at the bar it turns out Rocksey had coloured in the lenses with a marker pen which he always carries just in case an autograph is required. You did what I asked, I coloured in the lenses he will be like Stevie wonder when he puts them on he wont be able to see anything.

Oh how correct he was Marsh had run on to the station and put on his glasses to read the departure board and couldn’t see a thing and in his drunken stupor he thought he heard his train announced on platform 2. Marsh knew where platform 2 was so made a dash and jumped on the train just before it pulled out of the station.

Bad move Marsh had jumped on the Non stop sleeper train to Edinburgh, now Marsh didn’t discover this as he’d fallen asleep, until well into the journey. We knew when he’d found out by the phone call Rocksey received just before 11:50pm. What am I going to do he shouted to Rocksey, “don’t worry was Rockseys response check into the Belmont Hotel in Edinburgh and I’ll see you tomorrow I’m playing in Glasgow so we will swing by and collect you, oh and charge it to the band tour expense. Rocksey again couldn’t stop laughing, Marsh and Drink really don’t go together the really don’t… and he’ll never learn ! ! !

 

Roll on Spain in a couple of weeks roll on Rocksey shouted towards me as he disappeared through the lounge door . . . . .yes Marsh and Rocksey were off to Spain for seven days without any chaperone …

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LOST RECORDINGS

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Rocksey had been in his studio every day for the last two weeks, when suddenly he appeared by the pool “I’ve found them” found what I asked ?.  the lost recordings. The recordings I made before I quit the band. Now Rocksey had been fed up with all the touring and Media for some time now and the lack of help from the rest of the band finally got to him and he just walked pout before a show in Montreal. The last the band saw of him, was him trudging off into the night jacket collar turned up head down battling through the snow, leaving only his fading footsteps behind which quickly disappeared as the heavy snow filled them.

Now Rocksey had been recording the shows for weeks but as per usual he couldn’t remember where or how he’d saved them or what format he’d used. It turns out the last two weeks have been spent going through one by one all the files on Rockseys Hard drives and he has a few of them.

I’ve found them I’ve found them he said doing a little jig, I raised my sunglasses and looked at him and trying to sound a little enthused “oh that’s good”  could you get me another glass of wine this ones empty. Rocksey sprang off in the direction of the kitchen and soon returned with my rather full glass. The last recording ever he said I’m off to the studio don’t disturb me.

And with that he disappeared. I knew from past experience he could be gone for some days even weeks if I was lucky. Rocksey sees himself as producer, Engineer and whole band !!  Singer and show man he can get away with he can play a simple tune on a guitar but producer and engineer I will see.

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The sun came and  went, the bottles of wine full then empty long conversations with Melody & Suki started and finished. I decided I’d better go and check on him, Forcing the door to the studio open I was greeted by Rocksey dancing (I use the word dancing very loosely)  more like a fish on dry land  flapping to get back to water. “Hows it going ?”…. Going ! ! Going he replied its DONE and its fantastic  just listen. now even for Rocksey the room was a mess and he had to push bottles and glasses out of the way to get to the recording desk . Finally he hit play “live recording” he shouted above the opening bars of the first track, as he carried on he dance.

after listening to all 6 tracks I had to admit it did sound damn good. How did you manage to get such a good sound I asked, half expecting him to say he’d had help from Senor Penguino but no the shout was YOUTUBE 3 days of watching YOUTUBE then 2 days work 1 day of midi drums replacing each beat so they are all the same strength the mastering and touching up the vocals.

“PHONE” Suki and Penguino here I’ve got the melody and structure of the next six songs worked out but need his musical genius to actually turn them into songs also phone Melody get Marsh here I will need his Percussion skills and tell him to bring his own triangle i have a use for it on one of the songs.

With a wry smile I dashed towards the phone Suki and Melody will love the fact that the men will be gone for days now if Rocksey has his way, and judging by the number of bottles of JD that there were in the studio fridge it was going to be a long session. Me, Suki and Melody settled back into our seats and fastened our belts as the plane taxied out on to the runway, “what do you think they will get completed” asked Suki “who cares” replied Melody “NEW YORK” here we come!! ! ! !

It turns out with the help of Senor Penguino Rocksey actually managed to get another six tracks down and to my surprise they weren’t anything like I’d expected. Rocksey had now six more songs of different genre Marsh had the worse head he’d ever had and he’d even lost his triangle, but yes you could clearly hear it on the track Rocksey had promised.

Phone the record company Rocksey shouted tell them I’m on my way.. this is gonna be bigger than the Beatles and Stones put together.  With that Rocksey and Penguino jumped into the car and with a screech of tyres and a cloud of dust they were gone. “Shall I get you a taxi” I asked Marsh “no thanks just a coffee” was the whispered reply.

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Later that night I was awoken by a phone call and Rocksey and Penguino singing down the phone “its out in four weeks, its out in four weeks” then with the sound of clinking glasses the phone went dead and they were gone…

Four weeks later the album was released and Rocksey and Penguino were back on the media trail promoting the album around the world Marsh kept saying he was joining them but never showed up, the thought of all the drinking put him off somewhat. Well at least it gets me Suki and Melody some quite time… and shopping time PARIS here we come ! ! ! ! ! ! .

Marsh finally joined them both on the final night in London and again regretted it the next morning “Never again Never again they are both Idiots they don’t know when to stop” he croaked. The worst thing about what Marsh said was it was true they didn’t know when to stop and the even worse thing is Rocksey NEVER has had a Hangover no matter what. So the next day he is unbearably happy and loud with just a mildly upset stomach which we all have to suffer and I do mean SUFFER……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Night at the Opera

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Well I’d been telling Rocksey that we were going to the opera for weeks, but as usual it went in one ear and out of the other. But now the night was upon us and I told Rocksey Loud and clear that tonight we were going to the opera. As per usual Rocksey heard only what he wanted i.e “night at the opera” which turned out to be a favourite film of Rockseys.

Now even I didn’t expect what came dashing down the stairs singing “free free Fredonia land of the brave and free” only Rocksey dressed up as a cross between Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx. Now I was shocked at the enthusiasm that was being displayed as Rocksey normally has to be dragged screaming to a night of culture but this time he seemed strangely over enthusiastic as  he dashed passed me and jumped in to the car “come on hurry up” he shouted we don’t want to miss the start. Now I was getting concerned Rocksey not wanting to miss the start ! ! ! . Normally he sleeps through the first act and only really wakes up to catch the heroine die at the last act. But no this time we were going to be early and he was a keen as a child on Christmas eve.

I’ve been practising for this, Rocksey announced as he leapt from the car, the tails of his evening jacket flowing in the breeze as he bounded towards the venue. I was now WORRIED Rocksey had never shone this interest in the opera before. As I entered the building I gave the tickets to the usher who was going to show me to the box where we would view the performance from and also asking what champagne we would like bringing up to the box ?, I stopped him and asked if he’d seen a strangely dressed man run into the building in front of me, Yes he replied, he ran into the toilets shouting that you had his ticket.

I was led to the box and settled in and awaited the return of Rocksey. I sipped on the Krug and wondered where on earth Rocksey could have got to. Now from the box i had a wonderful view of the entire auditorium and slowly took in the whole event. When out of the corner of my eye I spotted a strangely dressed man hair slicked back, Big black drawn on moustache and black rimmed glasses being pursued by 4 ushers while he sang “free free Fredonia land of the brave and free” now this was attracting the attention of many of the theater  goers that evening. I watched as the stranger gave the ushers the slip only to emerge from behind a curtain. He walked slowly in the opposite direction to the chasing ushers, Now above the chatter of the crowd I could now catch his voice and to my HORROR I recognised it, Rocksey NO ! ! ! ! ! ! — yes he thought we were going to a Marx Brothers convention Hence the enthusiasm and his outfit he’d turned up as Groucho, and in his best Groucho impression (which is rubbish to say the least) travelled through the stalls quoting Groucho at the top of his voice.

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It wasnt long before the ushers finally cornered Rocksey and before they ejected him out in the street I managed to save the day. He’s with me I called m(much to my embarrassment) Now after a severe dressing down from the management Rocksey was returned to my care and he slumped into the chair. Glass in hand he said “so I guess it’s not a Marx reunion”. What did you say to them ladies downstairs “you don’t want to know ” he replied oh and can you get some BEER sent up this champagne isn’t for me tonight.

Beer in hand feet up on the balustrade Rocksey settled in for his sleep as the opera commenced. After much apologising to the management and everyone seeming to see the funny side of things  we returned home. Only for Rocksey to login to his account and bring up the entire film history of the Marx brothers I knew it was going to be a long night “next time I think I’ll go as Chico” he said as the opening credits rolled and Rocksey sang “free free Fredonia” whilst doing his Groucho walk. Time for bed I think.

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“THE BIG MATCH”

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Well before you all ask who when where…. It was last night and the English Premier league Champions Leicester city Took on Sevilla for a place in the last eight of the champions league.

Rocksey had invited Marsh to the ground to watch the game as Rocksey knew Marsh was a life long fan and normally watched from the stands, but this time Rocksey was taking him to a Private Box with Beer, Food and a view to die for.

Rocksey & Marsh arrive 2 hours before the game, which is quite normal as there is the meal, tour and beer to drink before kick off. Now marsh is into gambling and will bet on anything Rocksey dabbles but isn’t that interested really. As they arrive at the ground Marsh says “I’ll bet ya Vardy scores tonight” Rocksey just ignores this opening gambit from Marsh and carries on walking towards the held open door, beckoning to Marsh to hurry up.

Sitting down in the private box Marsh shouts “bet she’s a blond” WHAT !! !! responds Rocksey, the waitress says Marsh “I bet she’s a blond”, now Rocksey know that the waitress for this box is a brunette, and decides this could be fun. Ok he says but no money just a drink on each bet “YOUR ON” shouts marsh as his whole face lights up like a child on christmas morning, and yes when the waitress come in she is a brunette, your drink Marsh as Rocksey hands him a rather large JD and Coke, thinking if he see the whole game out it will be a miracle.

Kick off arrives and its a bit tense and a bit niggley with lots of fouls in the game. The next bet from Marsh was the next team to foul and of course Marsh chose Seville and yes it was Leicester so another drink was handed to Marsh, and so this went on until half time with Marsh’s bets getting more and more obscure and weird.  Now marsh was losing the bets about two to one and Marsh isnt know for big drinking and was looking a bit worse for wear when Rocksey suggested a bet “Vardey Not to score” now Marsh is a big Vardey fan and as City were the dominant team and up 1 – 0 he said yes “but well increase the stakes a TUMBLER FULL OF JD” and your on. well the match went on and yes City scored again and no more bets were placed. Schmeichel saved a PENALTY. Only 2 Minutes left and Rocksey sunk his head in his hands Vardey through only the Goal Keeper to Beat Marsdh was bouncing around the Room like an over active child on SPEED,” GO ON GO ON” he yelled score and with that Vardey pulled the trigger and the ball soared high and wide of the goal, Marsh collapsed to his knees and Rocksey now was the powerball jumping pointing and shouting “DRINK DRINK DRINK”

Now Marsh isnt one to welsh from a bet and reluctantly takes the glass in both hands sniffs the drink then in one its gone .

The Game finishes and Leicester 2 – 0 Sevilla, Leicester are through to the last eight in the champions league Marsh is still standing much to the AMAZEMENT of Rocksey and they both set forth for the exit.Rocksey still cannot belive that Marsh is walking, talking and seeming as normal as Marsh ever could. Now doubting that is was JD in the glass, But Rocksey poured the drink and sat it on the table and was sure it couldnt have been switched, He just shrugged his shoulders and thought Marsh at last can drink like the rest of us he’s become one of the group the Percussion player the tambourine man a party animal.

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Again the door is opened for them and out into the cold night air they walked Rocksey talking to Marsh, after a few steps Rocksey realised that it was strangely quiet and turning swiftly around he saw this

Marsh flat-out on a bench Now this was the Marsh Rocksey Knew pissed as a fart, Unable to stand, asleep in the street,” Welcome back Marsh welcome back” he said.

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