Escape to “Billy Smarts” 

Well Marsh had been in rehab now for three days and he was crawling up the walls, no ALCOHOL at all and none of the the staff were paying any attention to his pleas and begging. Even the promise of untold riches didn’t alter the staffs attitude. Marsh realised his only chance was escape but how ?. As Marsh was a fee paying patient (Melody was paying) he could come and go within the grounds of the centre as he liked until lock down at 7pm.

Marsh had scouted out all the perimeter of the centre and all the walls were far too high and well lit past dusk, so another plan needed to be hatched. Marsh had recently watched “some like it hot” and realised a disguise was the way forward. So using his best clouseau detective mind he set about the task, unfortunately for Marsh the only store cupboard he could find open was the nurses uniform cupboard(female), fortunately Marsh had never been described as stocky or well built and soon he found a uniform that would fit. This he bundled inside his cardigan and scurried back to his room. If you had the chance to see him you would have only described him as a pregnant George Clooney (his likeness claim not mine) with arthritic hips dashing along a well lit corridor. Next make up he thought , well there was an old soak 3 rooms down that never locked her door and was always made up to the nines, Marsh was sure someone came in every day to do her makeup as it was always perfect and her hands shook uncontrollably.

Marshs next sauté was to the soaks room and soon he was scurrying back to his rook laden with estee lauder and Chanel makeup. Now according to Marsh he had never worn makeup but everyone had seen his Adam & the Ants/new romantic pictures where he was made up like a pantomime dame. There was no time to worry so Marsh sat himself in front of the mirror and started 1st poking himself in the eye with the pencil liner, 2nd foundation too much and spending the next 2 hours sneezing, 3rd lipstick which had him more looking like the joker than a woman, and last blusher which was applied in the same thickness as the double yellow lines on the road.

 

This was it now or never Marsh hitched up his skirt and made for the door, people were leaving and the door was open as he approached when just 10mtrs away Marsh made a mad sprint knocking people sideways as he sped towards the door , made it and off down the path he sprinted. (What he didn’t know was he was being released this same day anyway) the staff just watched as this deranged he/she nurse careered down the drive and straight into the nearest pub. 10 minutes later and 3 pints Marsh now had to make good his escape. Noticing there was a large event down the road Marsh scuttled down and took a look. A circus what luck he exclaimed, Marsh thought he could hide out there for a few hours until the search party had given up (there never was or would be a search party).

Marsh entered the big top through the back door and the instant he entered the head clown Mrs Spare Part cornered him “your late you know tonight routine” get ready. Marsh taken aback stuttered and mumbled but head clown Spare Parrt barked the orders at his and Marsh sloped off to join the other clowns. fortunately for Marsh he was to play the DRUNK so as he had consumed 3 pints he performance should be convincing. 10 Minutes later with a foot squarely in his back Marsh was launched into the ring followed by 5 other clowns all armed with custard pies all destined for Marsh.

The performance was soon over and Spare Part came over and congratulated Marsh on his realistic performance ” you will be staying for the tour ?” Marsh still convinced that there would be search parties out for him agreed without hesitation. “Great ” said Spare Part you caravan is over there. Marsh slumped back on the sofa in his van via a call at the bar,arms laden with booze and self congratulated himself, “who would have believed it me a clown” Now everyone who know Marsh thought of him as a clown but maybe this was his true vocation in life. 

A life on the stage and being told what to do by a woman Marsh was in heaven. He put his feet up and cracked open another can, Marsh began singing “Hi Diddly Dee A Circus Life For ME” and a tour wait till Rocksey & Penguino find out this will blow them away, Clown this week Circus Master within a month Marsh assured himself …… we will see we will see ! ! ! ! ! 

New Album (week1 recordings)part 2

Well today was Marshs last chance in the studio. He had been told to be there for 11Am but as usual he was late, but this time it wasn’t Rocksey who was waiting for Marsh it was Senor Penguino ! ! ! ! . Penguino could be tolerant and forgiving but Marshs escapades this week had erased all forgiveness from Penguinos mind. Penguino was sat in the studio lights on in the recording booth and only one spotlight on the recording desk in the studio. He twirled a pencil in his fingers awaiting Marsh, muttering to himself “I knew this was a bad idea”


Finally 45 minutes late the door burst open and in fell Marsh, “you’ve been drinking again” Penguinos voice coming out of all the monitors in this studio “NO” was Marshs response…  Right then lets do take 1 “92 in the shade” you’re ready “yes” was the response. It wasn’t long before they were on take 18 Marsh was fumbling and missing beats left right and centre (strange as he can play the piano) Penguino was now shouting at Marsh like a drill sergeant major. To which Marsh was impervious, he thought things were going great and that they had completed 4 songs already.

Ten Minute break Penguino announced, he got out of his chair and left the studio. Marsh saw the door open and close and immediately opened the music bag he had brought in with him. Now sitting in the corner of the studio Marsh opened his first can of lager and a bottle of white wine, gulping from both one after another Marsh could feel the cool liquid settling his nerves, unfortunately Marsh isn’t a person who know when to stop and unfortunately Penguinos 10 minutes were actually 35. By the time Penguino returned to the studio Marsh had drank 3 bottles of wine 5 cans of lager and 1/4 bottle of gin.! !  ! ! And to anyone looking it seemed all the bones from Marshs body had been removed as he now resemble Mr Wobble.

Penguino found Marsh curled up behind the drum kit phone in hand calling home the line was connected but just the answerphone bleeps could be heard (Melody was still in the US “Thats it” Penguino shouted his words even managed to echo in the sound deadened room, and summoning help loaded Marsh into a car with his teeny tiny suitcase and passport and drive him to the airport. On the 3 hour drive to the airport  Penguino had managed to book a flight , load the app on Marshes phone and download the boarding card.


Penguino knew Marsh wouldn’t look so wrote the flight number on Marshes hand and arranged for someone to get him to the boarding gate and on the plane. By the time they had reached the airport Marsh had come round Penguino said “all recorded” Marsh smiled self congratulating himself  for a job well done. Marsh boarded the flight without even looking at the destination helped by the assistance Penguino organised (Penguino didn’t want Marsh missing the plane) and sat back in his chair and relaxed knowing soon he could endulge in his favourite Gin & Tonics.

Penguino was on the phone to Rocksey ” he’s gone and on a plane we got nothing complete he’d been on the booze again” Rocksey replied “ok ok you were correct” i’ll see you in 6 days when I get back from the States. SP was off to meet  a hero of his John5 in LA and hopefully to wow him with his guitar handiwork – Rocksey had also wanted to go on this trip but as Kitten was due at the villa any time now he felt he couldn’t just up and leave especially with the chaos that Marsh had left behind – Rocksey most definitely didn’t want Kitten to think he had been on the beer all week!!


Marshs flight touched down on a dull drizzly night and he trudged towards passport control, straight through and to the awaiting drivers, There was his name on the board and he dutifully followed the driver. Marsh didn’t pay any attention to where they were going until they pulled up and Marsh read the sign, his worst nightmare had come true he’d been booked into rehab. The car door opened and two male orderlys escorted Marsh into the centre and to his room. Marsh head in hands it had come to this as he reached into his travel bag and pulled out a 6 pack of lager sipping from the 1st can he wondered how much it would cost to bribe the orderly to keep him supplied……..

New album (week 1 recordings) part 1 

Well the first week of recordings went better Than could have been expected, with the sunshine, beer, beach close at hand. Rocksey had put the guide vocals down, and as per usual these had no resemblance to what the final takes would be. Rocksey as per normal put no effort or feelings into them and as per usual stated they wont be used and NO ONE will ever hear them. Penguino had spent the rest of the week putting down guitar and bass tracks and ignoring Marshs request to allow him to put one bass track down. Penguino being rather kind I thought told Marsh ” I would sooner let a squashed Baboon put a bass track than let you loose on one of the tracks” this just seemed to bounce off Marsh as he told Rocksey, Penguino was thinking about letting him loose.

Drums down, bass guitar down , lead and rhythm done just the solos to complete. And a Banjo track that Penguino wanted to put on 92 In The Shade. Marsh could be seen skuttling about a bit like a Orc in the darkened corners of the building, drinking from a bottle of red wine and carrying his tambourine (Rockseys tambourine really) waiting for his turn. Marshs first attemp ended in a utter disaster as he couldnt keep time even with the simplest beat. Penguino had stormed out after 3 hours of listening to Marshs attempts. Rocksey gave up a couple of hours later and left marsh trying to keep time with no one listening or recording just the one light left switched on in the mixing room keeping Marsh company.

Well 5 days had passed since Marshs last attempt and he was under strict orders “NO DRINKING” nothing alcoholic from dawn until he was finished in the studio. Penguino told Rocksey you have no chance he’ll be drunk before 10AM and he don’t get up till 9AM. One last chance that’s it “I told him he could appear on the album”  – (Marsh has been in many bands but never had a real release) “Your wasting valuable time Penguino shouted “I could bring my pet lizard and we would get things done quicker” “one last chance Rocksey shouted back”

Rocksey sent out the word Marsh was required, the time now was 11AM Marsh hadn’t been seen all morning, then just like the shop keeper in Mr Ben, He appeared ! ! ! ! ! 


BEER IN HAND and a idiots grin spread across his sunburnt face. “What did I tell you No BEER”, I’m ok Marsh replied his words sliding out of the corner of his mouth dribbling down his chin and bouncing off the empty wine bottles in his pockets. “Get out ” Rocksey shouted if Penguino see you you’ll be out of the house and sent back to the UK. Marsh disappeared post haste the sound of bottles and cans echoing as he sped down the hall. Rocksey thought it sounded like santas sleigh and had a wry smile. Picking up the tambourine Rocksey said to the engineer “lets get through the first 4 tracks and NOT a word to Penguino ”

Rocksey had the tracks done in 2 hours and went hunting the elusive (orc) Marsh ! ! ! !

Marsh where are you, marsh had taken refuge in his favourite wardrobe surrounded by his favourite wines and was chatting away to them like they were all listening “there hunting us my precious, I won’t let them take you” the sound of Rockseys calls soon faded and Marsh curled up with his new friends and drifted off dreaming of a land where rivers were wine, seas were beer and all food tasted of burgers…. TO BE CONTINUED 

Hablo Español (bigo blacko dogo)

Marsh bounded into the kitchen, where Rocksey and Penguino were eating, “Ive worked it out – it all makes sense now” Marsh blurted, whilst leaving a trail of beer cans, champagne bottle, and red wine bottle behind him. “Worked what out” both friends asked, both looking stunned at the trail of destruction that Marsh was leaving in his wake. The language its easy, sorted, I’m going shopping by myself to prove it as well, “what do we need ?, Rocksey and penguino gave Marsh a list “I wont be needing that just tell me” was his reply. What about the mess you’ve made “I’ll clear it in the morning” (That was Marshs answer for everything)

Marsh sprinted to the door shouting “HASTA LA MEGRA ! ! !” Rocksey looked at Penguino and shrugged, What does that mean penguino asked Rocksey “I have no idea” Rocksey replied. (Rocksey is fluent in Spanish). What do you think he will bring back ? At least the water as we really need that ! ! ! ! .

Somehow Marsh arrived at the supermarket (2 hours after setting off) and its only a 2 mile drive.Bounced across the car park yelping and squealing as he’d forgotten his shoes and the tarmac was almost the temperature of the sun. Marsh always saw himself as a bit of a lewis Hamilton when behind a shopping trolley, so after demolishing the display of tined beans and narrowly avoiding the cooked meats counter, he decided to walk and not run barefooted on a marble floor still not a good idea. Marsh resembled Bambi on ice as he made his way towards the water section, UNFORTUNATLY he had to pass the BEER to get there ! ! ! ! ! . With a trolley now groaning under the weight of the beer cans Marsh(Bambi) opened a can sipped the cool contents and tried to remember what it was he was supposed to get. In a flash he thought he had remembered and staring pushed the over laden trolley towards the salad and vegtables.

This was it Marsh V The Spanish language (HAsta la Megra/poor fav four/buenos nochees/chocolate) he was fluent according to himself. The stunned shop assistant looked at Marsh like he was an alien as Marsh reeled off his entire Spanish vocabulary, nothing making any sense to anyone who may have heard. Marsh decided the assistant must be a bit deaf so reeled off his Spanish again and this time with gestures and three times the volume and spilling beer on a now glass like floor which had Marshs legs going 10 to the dozen just to stand still. Marsh looked like a demented chicken speaking alien and drinking his still unpaid for beer (The shop are YouTubeing  the cctv later today) shouting in a strange Spanish accent and doing charade actions for “I want turkey” (you imagine the scene) ……..

8 hours later that day there was a knock at the door and the supermarket delivery van was outside. “Mr Rocksey” the driver asked “yes” this is yours we believe. The driver opened the back doors of the van and poured Marsh into the hall, Also he bought these, the driver handed Rocksey a box of now completely melted cornettos and defrosted broad beans! ! “The bill is €275 “the driver said. “WHAT” was Rockseys reply “€275 for cornettos and broad beans and we don’t have the contents of the cornettos just a soggy box ? ?. “No thats for the damage he caused and the BEER he drank” Rocksey paid the driver and turned to look at Marsh. he wasn’t there. Marsh had disappeared and neither Rocksey or Penguino could find him.

Penguino said to Rocksey “he’s gotta go he’s gotta go you cant keep letting him off”. “I know “.

Rocksey and Penguino climbed into the car list in hand, “its always easier to do it ourselves” quicker cheaper cleaner and we get what we wanted. As the pair drove off the upstairs curtains twitched as Marsh peeped out Champagne in one hand wine in the other, creeping off to hide in the wardrobe Marsh could be heard congratulating himself on his mastery of the Spanish language,navigation skills,shopping trolley driving and his all round super human ability and not mention his belief that he could drink Oliver Reed under the table. ( marsh couldn’t drink a five year old under the table let alon Oliver Reed)

Human Food (for insects)

Rocksey and Penguino returned from a night out in Malaga. Penguino knawing on what Rocksey said was half of a sheep leg Rocksey chewing on a celery stick, ( as this was what penguino had said was all he could eat from the kebab shop they had visited(now Rocksey was trying out a vegan lifestyle) before returning to the studio/house.

On entering the building both stopped dead and listened, in the distance there was a faint swish swish spray yelp sound and various high pitched screams and curses. Both Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other shrugged and headed to the kitchen, threw open the American fridge doors and retrieved a bottle of JD (Rocksey could still drink this)  and a bucket of ice. Both friends settled down on the terrace and chatted about the album.

Penguino again said”What is that noise” Rocksey shrugged. Both friends clinked glasses and carried on where they had left off. Penguino retrieved his guitar and began to make it sing, the sound was more akin to a songbird than a guitar again Rocksey shook his head in disbelief and just watched.

Abruptly Penguino stopped “I’ve got to find out what that noise is”. Penguino and Rocksey set off to track the swish swish yelp scream spray spray sound down. “What do you think it is” Rocksey enquired ?” Penguino replied “as long as its not Marsh with one of my guitars i’m not to concerned” 

The noise was getting louder and louder now, Penguino stopped dead “it is him it is him he’s dead if its one of my guitars” Rocksey pointed out when they last saw Marsh, Penguino had launched him out of the studio, and left him in a drunken heap then he double locked the door so he couldn’t get in, anywhere near to his guitars.

Opon opening the door to Marshe’s room the two friends stopped dead. There in his white Y fronts was Marsh fly swotter  in one hand spray in his other. It looked like he was sword fencing multiple invisible opponents and engaging in chemical warfare at the same time, and the opponents were winning. Swish Swish spray spray scream yelp swish, Marsh was now polka dot from head to tow, red blotches on his lilly white milk coloured skin, where it was now apparent he had become dinner for countless mosquitoes and still was main course judging by his frantic fencing actions. Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other “shall we help him” Rocksey asked Penguino replied “why” “with you being vegan now you cant kill a living thing so it would be wrong for you, and I cant bebothered” 

Both friends closed the door and  returned to the terrace, Penguino asked Rocksey “can you die from loss of blood due to mosquito bites ?” We will find out soon enough we will find out soon enough. Another clink of glasses and more sweet guitar tunes cane from the terrace, in the distance the same swish swish scream yelp sounds echoed into the distance. Penguino muttered ” do you think the mosquitoes are going to kill him tonight” as his solo bounced off the the ceiling and resounded around the terrace, “No, oh well at least its not us” Rocksey replied. Both laughed and dropped more ice into their now empty glasses filled them and carried on chatting……. swish swish spray yelp scream yelp swish echoed into the distance Marsh was losing the battle. At least he wont look like Mr Milk bottle tomorrow Rocksey announced Penguino added if there is a tomorrow for him .

Vegan Exodus 

Well day 1 had been and gone Rocksey was finding the 99% of the things he liked to eat were now off bounds even LAGER ! ! 

Penguino returned from the beach and shouted to Rocksey he’d help him come up with a diet plan but not to include him in any shape or form on this new FAD, as Penguino saw it. Rocksey was by the pool with Ipad in hand as Penguino approached, as he got nearer Rocksey could see he was chomping on a triple decked burger all cooked raw, in fact Rocksey was almost sure they hadn’t been cooked. “Thats not helping much is it” he sneered towards Penguino as the last traces of burger disappeared never to be seen again.

Penguino leaned back in his chair and produced a scrap of paper, Rocksey’s attention peaked as this normally meant a new melody. (Penguino had to write things down now as his memory or lack of it weren’t up to much nowadays) unfolding the paper Penguino announced “THINGS YOU CANNOT EAT OR DRINK” Number 1 Lager was announced and penguino knew Rocksey loved a cold Lager on a hot day or when performing, Rocksey visibly slumped, Number 2. Anything that you used to eat and enjoy. Rocksey slumped even further down. Penguino was now revealing in this fact finding exercise, now he was so excited at his last announcement that he was physically jumping up and down so much he slipped lurched sideways did a double somersault and disappeared beneath the pool surface. Spluttering and still gasping for air as he broke through the surface of the pool he announced “VEGETABLES VEGTABLES” THATS IT. Now Penguino disappeared under the pool surface for the third time Rocksey had now slumped so far in the chair he was almost horizontal. Penguino broke the surface for the 4th time like Jason from Friday 13th part 1, spluttering coughing and still shouting VEGETABLES……

Rocksey now stormed off shouting your about as much help as Marsh is at singing. (Marsh was still in his darkened room recovering whilst this was occuring ) 

Back in the house Rocksey emailed Rob with his dilemma. Almost immediately a reply hit the in box. Rocksey immediately printed it off and stormed back to confront Penguino. Turning the corner and shouting “oi listen to this” Rocksey found Penguino on an inflatable chair bobbing up and down in the centre of the pool  fully clothed guitar in hand singing his new MEAT eating song drinking cans of Rocksey favourite lager still dripping after his  olympic diving exploits.

Listen for just 1 second Rocksey shouted, this statement skipped across the surface of the pool completely missing Penguino who I think was totally unaware Rocksey was even there, as his hit his soprano bit of his song. (Penguino + genius guitar / Tone deaf -singer) Rocksey gave up with Penguino and turned shoulders slumped and headed back towards the house. As he rounded the corner to leave the pool area Penguino shouted “JD IS VEGAN PARTY TIME” As he slipped beneath the pool surface again. Rocksey was sure as he walked away he could hear Penguino under water burbling VEGETABLES VEGETABLES.

Vegan Lifestyle for 6 weeks trial

Well the night after the Debarcle of Marsh in the studio. Rocksey came bounding into the lounge at 7AM where Penguino was busy strumming out a new tune .This stopped Rocksey in his tracks as this guitar had only 4 strings yet Penguino was making it sing like a song bird. “We’ve no time for that now” Rocksey shouted. I’ve just got off the phone to Rob Zombie and he wants us to play at Sheri Moons Birthday party! ! ! ! ! . Rocksey had been on the same bill as Zombie at Download festival this year performing as Pablo Mercedes. Zombie headlined and Pablo was well down the bill. But Rocksey and Zombie hit it off big style and Zombie had convinced Rocksey to give the vegan lifestyle a go while Rocksey was in Spain for six weeks.. Rocksey announced to Penguino that the whole band was going vegan for the six weeks ! Penguino uttered a mouthful of expletives in the direction of Rocksey finishing off with you’ve got no chance.

Rocksey did think that Penguino would react like that. So it was Rocksey alone, which he thought wouldn’t be to hard as he was pescartarian. “Well i’m giving it a go for 6 weeks Rocksey batted back at Penguino.

Rocksey and Penguino decided to go and sit by the pool before going down to the beach. A few beers later and a lot of self congratulating on there recordings last night.Penguino asked “have you seen Mr no rhythm ” “who Marsh ” Rocksey replied. Yes the one and the same “NO” not a sight or sound. Penguino and Rocksey clinked glasses and carried on where they had left off.

Right its 10AM lets go said Penguino, “don’t you think we should look for him” Rocksey replied. You know when we spilt that milk and didn’t clear it up for a week we couldn’t get rid of the smell and if he’s dead the stink will be ten times worse. “YOUR RIGHT” Penguino reluctantly acknowledged and they both set about looking for Marsh. After searching the bedrooms, Kitchen, Study and every place they knew Marsh liked to sneak off to when the drinking was getting to much and hide ! ! ! . All turned up nothing, “Where did you last see him” Penguino asked “The studio” was the reply. Now penguino was worried he had left his guitars in there and Marsh was forbidden to go within 10 meters of any of them.

Unlocking the Door to the studio and swinging it open Marsh fell through. He resembled on of the characters from Day Of The Living Dead “I don’t feel to good” he whispered clutching his head. Penguino being the ever compassionate person his is plugged his guitar in turned everything up to full and hit his favourite power chord. This drained the remaining colour from Marsh not that there was much to drain. Were off to the beach will we see you there Penguino asked. “Yes Yes just go” Pleaded Marsh. Rocksey laughing and slamming doors left for the beach. Only after Penguino had double locked the studio door.

“Are you really going to try being Vegan” penguino asked “yep” rocksey replied. 2 hours later Marsh appeared around the corner still whiter than a bottle of milk and looking worse than a 8 day old cadaver. Marsh joined Penguino and Rocksey on the beach, now Rocksey and Penguino were sat in the shade as the uv level was 10 Marsh on the other hand set up in the full sun (mad dogs and English men) Are you sure Rocksey enquired “yep I know what I’m doing” Marsh replied. Now Marsh was asleep wishing 2 minutes, Rocksey and Penguino thought about moving the umbrella to shade Marsh but decided instead to go and have a beer at the bar where they could slowly watch Marsh change from White to a lovely Crimson colour.

2 hours later they returned to find Marsh now in the fetal position. Marsh suddenly from nowhere sprung into life and asked about dinner. Ok we’ll go now. Penguino expected Marshes skin to split at any moment as he was now radiating more heat that a fusion reactor. Dinner didn’t go to well for Marsh as he managed to eat about a third of the food in front of him . 

The Trio returned to there slot on the Beach Marsh again passed out Rocksey and penguino were now checking what Rocksey could eat and drink  to go with his new life choice.Penguion announced “YOUR SAFE WITH WATER AND THATS IT” laughing and sprinting across the sand as to stand for more than 2 seconds would remove the skin from your feet. Marsh now felling even worse had found a shady spot to wish for a swift death. Rocksey and Penguino again took up camp in the bar and settled in for the afternoon.


“Will he never learn” Penguino threw the comment at Rocksey “NEVER NEVER NEVER” not as long as the sun keeps rising and he’s allowed into a bar. Again the to friends clink glasses and toast “This ones for Marsh the living breathing zombie”.