Hablo Español (bigo blacko dogo)

Marsh bounded into the kitchen, where Rocksey and Penguino were eating, “Ive worked it out – it all makes sense now” Marsh blurted, whilst leaving a trail of beer cans, champagne bottle, and red wine bottle behind him. “Worked what out” both friends asked, both looking stunned at the trail of destruction that Marsh was leaving in his wake. The language its easy, sorted, I’m going shopping by myself to prove it as well, “what do we need ?, Rocksey and penguino gave Marsh a list “I wont be needing that just tell me” was his reply. What about the mess you’ve made “I’ll clear it in the morning” (That was Marshs answer for everything)

Marsh sprinted to the door shouting “HASTA LA MEGRA ! ! !” Rocksey looked at Penguino and shrugged, What does that mean penguino asked Rocksey “I have no idea” Rocksey replied. (Rocksey is fluent in Spanish). What do you think he will bring back ? At least the water as we really need that ! ! ! ! .

Somehow Marsh arrived at the supermarket (2 hours after setting off) and its only a 2 mile drive.Bounced across the car park yelping and squealing as he’d forgotten his shoes and the tarmac was almost the temperature of the sun. Marsh always saw himself as a bit of a lewis Hamilton when behind a shopping trolley, so after demolishing the display of tined beans and narrowly avoiding the cooked meats counter, he decided to walk and not run barefooted on a marble floor still not a good idea. Marsh resembled Bambi on ice as he made his way towards the water section, UNFORTUNATLY he had to pass the BEER to get there ! ! ! ! ! . With a trolley now groaning under the weight of the beer cans Marsh(Bambi) opened a can sipped the cool contents and tried to remember what it was he was supposed to get. In a flash he thought he had remembered and staring pushed the over laden trolley towards the salad and vegtables.

This was it Marsh V The Spanish language (HAsta la Megra/poor fav four/buenos nochees/chocolate) he was fluent according to himself. The stunned shop assistant looked at Marsh like he was an alien as Marsh reeled off his entire Spanish vocabulary, nothing making any sense to anyone who may have heard. Marsh decided the assistant must be a bit deaf so reeled off his Spanish again and this time with gestures and three times the volume and spilling beer on a now glass like floor which had Marshs legs going 10 to the dozen just to stand still. Marsh looked like a demented chicken speaking alien and drinking his still unpaid for beer (The shop are YouTubeing  the cctv later today) shouting in a strange Spanish accent and doing charade actions for “I want turkey” (you imagine the scene) ……..

8 hours later that day there was a knock at the door and the supermarket delivery van was outside. “Mr Rocksey” the driver asked “yes” this is yours we believe. The driver opened the back doors of the van and poured Marsh into the hall, Also he bought these, the driver handed Rocksey a box of now completely melted cornettos and defrosted broad beans! ! “The bill is €275 “the driver said. “WHAT” was Rockseys reply “€275 for cornettos and broad beans and we don’t have the contents of the cornettos just a soggy box ? ?. “No thats for the damage he caused and the BEER he drank” Rocksey paid the driver and turned to look at Marsh. he wasn’t there. Marsh had disappeared and neither Rocksey or Penguino could find him.

Penguino said to Rocksey “he’s gotta go he’s gotta go you cant keep letting him off”. “I know “.

Rocksey and Penguino climbed into the car list in hand, “its always easier to do it ourselves” quicker cheaper cleaner and we get what we wanted. As the pair drove off the upstairs curtains twitched as Marsh peeped out Champagne in one hand wine in the other, creeping off to hide in the wardrobe Marsh could be heard congratulating himself on his mastery of the Spanish language,navigation skills,shopping trolley driving and his all round super human ability and not mention his belief that he could drink Oliver Reed under the table. ( marsh couldn’t drink a five year old under the table let alon Oliver Reed)

Human Food (for insects)

Rocksey and Penguino returned from a night out in Malaga. Penguino knawing on what Rocksey said was half of a sheep leg Rocksey chewing on a celery stick, ( as this was what penguino had said was all he could eat from the kebab shop they had visited(now Rocksey was trying out a vegan lifestyle) before returning to the studio/house.

On entering the building both stopped dead and listened, in the distance there was a faint swish swish spray yelp sound and various high pitched screams and curses. Both Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other shrugged and headed to the kitchen, threw open the American fridge doors and retrieved a bottle of JD (Rocksey could still drink this)  and a bucket of ice. Both friends settled down on the terrace and chatted about the album.

Penguino again said”What is that noise” Rocksey shrugged. Both friends clinked glasses and carried on where they had left off. Penguino retrieved his guitar and began to make it sing, the sound was more akin to a songbird than a guitar again Rocksey shook his head in disbelief and just watched.

Abruptly Penguino stopped “I’ve got to find out what that noise is”. Penguino and Rocksey set off to track the swish swish yelp scream spray spray sound down. “What do you think it is” Rocksey enquired ?” Penguino replied “as long as its not Marsh with one of my guitars i’m not to concerned” 

The noise was getting louder and louder now, Penguino stopped dead “it is him it is him he’s dead if its one of my guitars” Rocksey pointed out when they last saw Marsh, Penguino had launched him out of the studio, and left him in a drunken heap then he double locked the door so he couldn’t get in, anywhere near to his guitars.

Opon opening the door to Marshe’s room the two friends stopped dead. There in his white Y fronts was Marsh fly swotter  in one hand spray in his other. It looked like he was sword fencing multiple invisible opponents and engaging in chemical warfare at the same time, and the opponents were winning. Swish Swish spray spray scream yelp swish, Marsh was now polka dot from head to tow, red blotches on his lilly white milk coloured skin, where it was now apparent he had become dinner for countless mosquitoes and still was main course judging by his frantic fencing actions. Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other “shall we help him” Rocksey asked Penguino replied “why” “with you being vegan now you cant kill a living thing so it would be wrong for you, and I cant bebothered” 

Both friends closed the door and  returned to the terrace, Penguino asked Rocksey “can you die from loss of blood due to mosquito bites ?” We will find out soon enough we will find out soon enough. Another clink of glasses and more sweet guitar tunes cane from the terrace, in the distance the same swish swish scream yelp sounds echoed into the distance. Penguino muttered ” do you think the mosquitoes are going to kill him tonight” as his solo bounced off the the ceiling and resounded around the terrace, “No, oh well at least its not us” Rocksey replied. Both laughed and dropped more ice into their now empty glasses filled them and carried on chatting……. swish swish spray yelp scream yelp swish echoed into the distance Marsh was losing the battle. At least he wont look like Mr Milk bottle tomorrow Rocksey announced Penguino added if there is a tomorrow for him .

Vegan Holiday & New Tracks 

Tomorrow Rocksey was off to his Spanish retreat for 6 weeks, Claiming after the last festival performances he needed time to reflect. Since sharing the stage with the likes of Rob Zombie, Rocksey had now allowed me to try a Vegan lifestyle on him, I had been living a pescaterian life for some years now, but trying to get Rocksey to give up meat had always been a resounding No from him 

Now Rocksey was going out with Marsh and Penguino was joining a few days later. This was supposedly to sort the track listing for the next album and to write the last 3 songs. Now Marsh is your typical English (GIRAS) tourist, he wants the same food, Beer and even takes his own. Breakfast cereals and tea bags away with him. How he was going to manage this I had no idea as Rocksey had stated Hand luggage only. Marsh also thought it was going to be a lads booze holiday, Rocksey was set for a working  holiday and recording the new tracks .

Penguino and Rocksey set about the new songs with a vengeance while Marsh relaxed by the bar.Rocksey and Penguino worked through the night and in the early hours the shout of Yes that’s it we’ve captured the sound and the atmosphere we needed. Penguino and Rocksey retired to the bar where they found Marsh slumped over a chair. Rocksey immediately shouted at Marsh “Get your act together your in the studios next”.. To which Marsh responded  in a burbled voice I’ll have a Beer. “You’ll have nothing ” rocksey responded your in the studio now.

Rocksey marched off to the studio with Marsh in tow. Senor Penguino reclined in the chair behind Rocksey and whispered ” I told you it was a bad idea to include Marsh”. Rocksey responded lets give tonight a go, But if tonight doesn’t work we’ll discuss it more.

All Marsh had to do was put a percussion track down on three tracks but long into the night and after many takes on the first track Marsh still couldnt keep rhythem or time Penguino had stormed out shouting “Call me when he’s gone I told you it was a Bad idea” Rocksey kept on trying to preserver with Marsh but it was getting harder and harder to tolerate his bad timing and poor rhythem and NO Musical talent at all. Eventually Rocksey switched the desk and the lights off turned his back on the studio and decided to join Penguino at the local bar and leave Marsh stood in the studio with his tambourine and no rhythem or talent in the studio.

When Rocksey arrived at the bar Penguino said “well what have you done” the reply was swift and curt “he’s got no talent no timing and he cant drink he’s out” Penguino and Rocksey clinked glasses and toasted the new tracks without percussion . We’ll put the percussion on tomorrow when Marsh is out of the way. At least it will be in time Penguino said. 

Doctors again ! ! ! !

Well After a few months on tour with the band Marsh thought he only had a few day left on this earth.

Rocksey and Penguins were showing no signs of anything more than a couple of hours in the pub. Marsh, now that’s a completely different story. Double vision, IBS, palpitations rtations, and a shoulder that doesn’t move.

Marsh was booked in to the local health centre for a full check over. Marsh turned up at the centre whiter than Casper the ghost and feeling almost as dead, staggering into the doors and calling out for a wheel chair Marsh collapsed on the floor. Now the staff at the centre were used to Marsh and his monthly visits, everytime there is a disease mentioned on the TV Marsh would google the symptoms and convince himself he has the new incurable disease. Its not that long since he thought he had EBOLA and all it turned out to be was a nettle rash ! ! ! !….

Well the staff helped Marsh into the wheelchair and pushed him into the examination room, leaving him with a glass of water and the latest edition of cosmopolitan .

After a couple of minutes a doctor arrived in the room, “full checkover again ” Marsh just nodded, now convinced he had only minutes before he was knocking at them pearly gates. By now marsh had the strength of a dormouse and could hardly move, so the doctor summoned assistance and Marsh was unceremoniously derobed and placed on the examination table, arms draped over the sides of the table and gasping for breath. After a few tests and blood samples the doctor announced “time to bend over ” now this took Marsh completely by surprise, But th orderly had Marsh in a full arm lock and the Doctor rubber gloved up was moving in. The scream could be heard 4 blocks away.  After 10 minutes Marsh was coaxed down off the top of the filing cabinet and helped into his clothes, sat in the wheelchair and taken to the waiting room.

When the test results came back Marsh’s ailments amounted to frozen shoulder from to much tambourine playing, Abs from trapped wind, irregular heartbeat from to much alcohol, and it turns up the anal exploration was just something the doctor thought would cut down on the visits Marsh made to the surgery.

Marsh was issued bottles of placebo tablets and a diet and drink regime. Issued with an armful of tablets and a sheet of instructions Marsh exited the health centre reassured that he would see at least the year out now. Unfortunately for Marsh the route home passed two or three pubs and as per normal Marsh couldn’t resist calling in for one quick drink, three pints later the Landlord called for a taxi and Marsh was bundled in complete with bottles of tablets and still clutching his diet/drink regime…..  Now Marsh’s smart phone was bleeping, Marsh’s new APP (diseases of the world) had just updated and there was a new infection speeding its way to try and finish off Marsh.

Night Train to Nowhere

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With Melody at the New York fashion week marsh was lost for what to do at the weekend after a hard week at his new venture (vinyl record collecting & selling). He had arranged to meet Rocksey at their favourite drinking venue, The Leyland and Venture a quaint English country pub where Rocksey could go and not be bothered by people wanting selfies, He was just one of the locals there and he loved it.

Well it turns out that Marshe’s new venture had morphed into collecting and not selling no not selling a single one of the records that he bought. I had accompanied Rocksey this weekend as it’s always fun to see the mess Marsh ends up in at the end of the evening, and I was sure this evening would be no different.

We met Marsh at 3pm after I’d dragged Rocksey around the village taking pictures, as normal Rocksey got bored with me taking 20 pictures of each subject very quickly until I suggester some portrait pictures of Rocksey for his new album. this had the same effect on Rocksey as christmas morning to a six-year-old.

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In to the pub we strolled Rocksey did his James Bond and skimmed his hat towards the hat stand, it missed as per normal and clattered a table of drinks, to which i had to buy the people another round of drinks. nothing change I say to Rocksey, one day one day I’ll get that. Marsh was already in the pub sat in the corner looking out over the river already with a couple of empty glasses on the table beside him. “you want another I asked ” “is the pope catholic” was his response “the same I guess” I asked all Marsh did was nod. Rocksey was now reclined on the leather armchair next to Marsh asking about his new venture. (now any of you who read my Blogs will know Marsh isn’t a drinker by any stretch of the imagination)

The day passed quickly Marsh always two drinks ahead of Rocksey and me knowing the mess Marsh would be in later. All of a sudden marsh jumped up from the table and stated He had to catch the train, (with melody away he had no choice) and off he dashed. As soon as he left the pub Rocksey began to chuckle then laugh, what are you laughing about I asked , Marsh Rocksey sobbed Marsh, you know he needs his glasses to read anything, well while he was at the bar it turns out Rocksey had coloured in the lenses with a marker pen which he always carries just in case an autograph is required. You did what I asked, I coloured in the lenses he will be like Stevie wonder when he puts them on he wont be able to see anything.

Oh how correct he was Marsh had run on to the station and put on his glasses to read the departure board and couldn’t see a thing and in his drunken stupor he thought he heard his train announced on platform 2. Marsh knew where platform 2 was so made a dash and jumped on the train just before it pulled out of the station.

Bad move Marsh had jumped on the Non stop sleeper train to Edinburgh, now Marsh didn’t discover this as he’d fallen asleep, until well into the journey. We knew when he’d found out by the phone call Rocksey received just before 11:50pm. What am I going to do he shouted to Rocksey, “don’t worry was Rockseys response check into the Belmont Hotel in Edinburgh and I’ll see you tomorrow I’m playing in Glasgow so we will swing by and collect you, oh and charge it to the band tour expense. Rocksey again couldn’t stop laughing, Marsh and Drink really don’t go together the really don’t… and he’ll never learn ! ! !

 

Roll on Spain in a couple of weeks roll on Rocksey shouted towards me as he disappeared through the lounge door . . . . .yes Marsh and Rocksey were off to Spain for seven days without any chaperone …

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Back to Reality NOT

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Well the partying couldn’t go on forever, Marsh went back to his part-time directorships Penguino went off to his retreat, Melody and Suki stayed on in Greece to take in the culture they said, more like the wine I thought. Me and Rocksey returned home with nothing planned or so I thought.

After a couple of days lazing around and strumming his guitar (were still on the same song by the way) Rocksey announced “were off” where I squawked back at him. Spain ! !! !  why Spain?. I’ve arranged a few solo gigs there just low-key 20 to 30 people max he said. But you only know 2 songs and neither of them are perfect and you don’t even know all the lyrics to them, you can’t go and humm your way through. I have to admit i was a touch concerned in Rockseys eyes he was a far better guitarist than he actually was and yes he could get away with mumbling the lyrics to his own songs  but not to the classics he was proposing.

Two days later my bags were packed “wheres your bags” I asked Rocksey ?, “here” was the response WHERE I shouted back. Proudly Rocksey showed me his old school satchel “here”. “you’ve got to be joking ” I retorted “no” here is my BAG! !. Well don’t come complaining to me in a few days when you stink and even I wont come within 10 yards of you.

The first few days were just fine hot sunshine, azul blue skies, and great people. Rocksey had surpassed himself with the early organisation and even the first show was good, the people seemed to enjoy it and Rocksey certainly did. “Its far more intense” he said  just me and the people non of that stage show, fireworks and lights this is far better.

it wasn’t long before we had it the south of Spain (an area I knew very well) we’d taken up residence in one of Rockseys Spanish friends villas Rocksey was playing in the local bars and I was just touring around. I’m off to Granada for a few days I told Rocksey, Ok see you when you get back. Now this was unusual Rocksey normally likes to know when and where, who and how when a trip is organised but this time not a question. I have to admit I wasn’t so sure about going now. But off I went “see you in three days I called” “bye have a great time” was the reply. out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Rocksey sprinting out towards the terrace. no time to investige now my driver had turned up and off I went.

Now what happened next is Rockseys version of events so belive what you might.A few phone calls later and Marsh and Penguino were both on their way to meet Rocksey. Rocksey had now realised that his guitar playing wasnt the best and required the silken skills of Penguino but why Marsh that I couldn’t work out.

Man hugs were handed out as soon as Penguino and Marsh arrived and the beers were opened. “whats the plan” Penguino enquired. “latin speaking countries” there’s a massive market out there and together we can take it. Also we start tonight here’s the song list, Rocksey handed the list to Penguing. Penguino looked back at Rocksey and said “is this the right list” yep was the reply. No problem Penguino replied. Senor Penguino could play just about any song and if he couldn’t he could produce a tune which was just as good. When tonight in the harbour was the response a small venue 30 to 40 max  it will be great but before lets clear these beers. Now Marsh perked up at the sound of beer as the temperature was now in the high 30’s. What do I do asked Marsh you’ve got your tambourine like I asked, “yep” dont i need to know what songs and where I play? not really its all by ear Rocksey replied. This had marsh slightly concerned but as another beer had made its way into his hand all worries soon disappeared.

The sweltering day slid into the early evening and Rocksey and Penguino were getting ready Rocksey still living out of his tiny bag and recycling as much as he could. Penguino had borrowed a guitar from the local store, with the proviso he signed the guitar and spent a few hours in the store the following day. Marsh was still laying beside the Pool, Come on marsh were off.

The shout startled Marsh awake and he sprung into action dashing towards the car, you’re not changing he was asked. I’ve got some things in my bag “let’s go”. Rocksey was sat next to Marsh in the car and he could feel the heat coming off Marsh. You going to ne ok tonight he enquired. Unusual for Rocksey to be concerned but Marsh usually was the colour of milk and now he was slowley turning the colour of a tomato.

In through the back door they went. The three Amigos as they had billed themselves bundled themselves towards the stage. Rocksey stopped them and handed Marsh some castanets “what are these” Marsh asked “you’ll need them was the reply and with that the curtains opened Penguino started immediately the crowd loved him straight away slick and professional then Rocksey, not bad by all accounts carrying off LOLA almost note perfect. By now the sun and beer had caught up with Marsh and for the first couple of songs he was great in time and even pushing the song were required, but while Rocksey was doing his inter song chats Marsh kept on having a sip or two from the drinks provided. Rocksye and Penguino sipped water. By the fifth song Marsh seemed to have disappeared Rocksey looked at penguino and Penguino shrugged. Then night drew to a close rapturous applause echoed around the venue as they left the stage. Rocksey announced as they left the stage “clothes shopping tomorrow” I can’t keep wearing the same stuff. Music shop for me tomorrow Penguino replied, he never broke a promise. Marsh would be staying in bed as he was found slumped behind the door between the frame and the toilet. Hard to see as he was now the colour of the tiles and blended in quite well.

The usual words “never again” were uttered by Marsh. Penguino said “he’s not to bad” on percussion is he I might have a gig or two for him when we get back. “just keep him away from the beer” Rocksey said, not even a couple.

The following morning Rocksey and Penguino sat back on the terrace beer in hand betting on what time Marsh would appear, Marsh who had been taken to A&E last night with sunstroke and alcohol poisoning, it appears the drink marsh kept sipping till he started slipping was 80% proof, and the doctor had informed him no alcohol for 5 days and no sun either. What am I supposed to do Marsh asked I’m in Spain and I can’t go in the sun or have a Beer? Penguino and Rocksey full of sympathy shouted back at Marsh “were off to the beach to catch a few rays and a beer or two see ya later”……

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LOST RECORDINGS

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Rocksey had been in his studio every day for the last two weeks, when suddenly he appeared by the pool “I’ve found them” found what I asked ?.  the lost recordings. The recordings I made before I quit the band. Now Rocksey had been fed up with all the touring and Media for some time now and the lack of help from the rest of the band finally got to him and he just walked pout before a show in Montreal. The last the band saw of him, was him trudging off into the night jacket collar turned up head down battling through the snow, leaving only his fading footsteps behind which quickly disappeared as the heavy snow filled them.

Now Rocksey had been recording the shows for weeks but as per usual he couldn’t remember where or how he’d saved them or what format he’d used. It turns out the last two weeks have been spent going through one by one all the files on Rockseys Hard drives and he has a few of them.

I’ve found them I’ve found them he said doing a little jig, I raised my sunglasses and looked at him and trying to sound a little enthused “oh that’s good”  could you get me another glass of wine this ones empty. Rocksey sprang off in the direction of the kitchen and soon returned with my rather full glass. The last recording ever he said I’m off to the studio don’t disturb me.

And with that he disappeared. I knew from past experience he could be gone for some days even weeks if I was lucky. Rocksey sees himself as producer, Engineer and whole band !!  Singer and show man he can get away with he can play a simple tune on a guitar but producer and engineer I will see.

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The sun came and  went, the bottles of wine full then empty long conversations with Melody & Suki started and finished. I decided I’d better go and check on him, Forcing the door to the studio open I was greeted by Rocksey dancing (I use the word dancing very loosely)  more like a fish on dry land  flapping to get back to water. “Hows it going ?”…. Going ! ! Going he replied its DONE and its fantastic  just listen. now even for Rocksey the room was a mess and he had to push bottles and glasses out of the way to get to the recording desk . Finally he hit play “live recording” he shouted above the opening bars of the first track, as he carried on he dance.

after listening to all 6 tracks I had to admit it did sound damn good. How did you manage to get such a good sound I asked, half expecting him to say he’d had help from Senor Penguino but no the shout was YOUTUBE 3 days of watching YOUTUBE then 2 days work 1 day of midi drums replacing each beat so they are all the same strength the mastering and touching up the vocals.

“PHONE” Suki and Penguino here I’ve got the melody and structure of the next six songs worked out but need his musical genius to actually turn them into songs also phone Melody get Marsh here I will need his Percussion skills and tell him to bring his own triangle i have a use for it on one of the songs.

With a wry smile I dashed towards the phone Suki and Melody will love the fact that the men will be gone for days now if Rocksey has his way, and judging by the number of bottles of JD that there were in the studio fridge it was going to be a long session. Me, Suki and Melody settled back into our seats and fastened our belts as the plane taxied out on to the runway, “what do you think they will get completed” asked Suki “who cares” replied Melody “NEW YORK” here we come!! ! ! !

It turns out with the help of Senor Penguino Rocksey actually managed to get another six tracks down and to my surprise they weren’t anything like I’d expected. Rocksey had now six more songs of different genre Marsh had the worse head he’d ever had and he’d even lost his triangle, but yes you could clearly hear it on the track Rocksey had promised.

Phone the record company Rocksey shouted tell them I’m on my way.. this is gonna be bigger than the Beatles and Stones put together.  With that Rocksey and Penguino jumped into the car and with a screech of tyres and a cloud of dust they were gone. “Shall I get you a taxi” I asked Marsh “no thanks just a coffee” was the whispered reply.

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Later that night I was awoken by a phone call and Rocksey and Penguino singing down the phone “its out in four weeks, its out in four weeks” then with the sound of clinking glasses the phone went dead and they were gone…

Four weeks later the album was released and Rocksey and Penguino were back on the media trail promoting the album around the world Marsh kept saying he was joining them but never showed up, the thought of all the drinking put him off somewhat. Well at least it gets me Suki and Melody some quite time… and shopping time PARIS here we come ! ! ! ! ! ! .

Marsh finally joined them both on the final night in London and again regretted it the next morning “Never again Never again they are both Idiots they don’t know when to stop” he croaked. The worst thing about what Marsh said was it was true they didn’t know when to stop and the even worse thing is Rocksey NEVER has had a Hangover no matter what. So the next day he is unbearably happy and loud with just a mildly upset stomach which we all have to suffer and I do mean SUFFER……..