So I arrive at our Finca late afternoon on Sunday to find a trail of destruction and no one around. There are empty bottles strewn around the pool area and empty cans of beer in the guest apartment. It looks like there has been one hell of a mega party and all revellers have left the building. I know only one thing, Marsh has gone to re-hab and SP has flown out to LA. Rocksey should have been here to greet me and so ….where on earth is he????
I wander around looking at Armageddon until in the kitchen I see a note propped up against a half empty bottle of champagne. Sorry it reads, I know you’ll probably file for divorce but gone to Connecticut for a few days to improve my Vegan cooking- be back Tuesday . PS Gave Marcella the weekend off but she will be in with the team on Monday – I have booked you a suite at that nice hotel you like in Malaga until Tuesday – enjoy xxxx
Tuesday?? Inwardly I fume – its Sunday – the place is a tip – but hang on I read the PS and smile – Rocksey may be a complete C*** BUT The Gran Hotel Miramar is a beautiful place where the Frozen Gin cocktails are to die for and there is a Hammam and I really could do with the de-stressing…..
However, I love our finca and I was a bit pissed off that Rocksey had left it in such a mess knowing that I was about to arrive and it had been over a week since we had seen each other so what was he doing that was so important in Connecticut anyway?
I open the fridge and salvage a bottle of Sancerre which Marsh must have missed, pouring myself a glass I go into mine and Rockseys bedroom which is as tidy as I would expect with Rockseys OCD, everything is in its place and when I open the wardrobe all my favourite summer dresses have been hung up ready to wear along with a few others that I haven’t seen before (there is a local gypsey market and there is one lady there who sells her own creations. – I love her dresses and Rocksey has obviously been to see her as the new dresses hanging up are to die for). Sipping the ice cold wine I wander through the French doors to our own private patio area where we have a plunge pool. Rocksey had obviously not let Marsh loose here as it looks undisturbed apart from a Birmingham University T Shirt flung carelessly over a pool chair which I recognise as one of his. I pick it up absentmindedly and walk past the pool up the steps to the garden which again remains thankfully untouched by the weeks chaotic goings on.
The neighbours dogs start to bark which makes me jump suddenly and catch my breath but the air is still and no one is around. I wander back out to the pool area where a deflated blow up unicorn buts itself against the side of the pool in the breeze, a pair of swimming shorts lay on one of the pool loungers, one of the others is overturned. What appears to be a mess of plastic axes, sickles and other Halloween paraphernalia has been dumped by the pump house. I turn back to stare at the unicorn- I have never seen this before and half wonder where on earth it has come from. My mobile vibrates suddenly in my shorts pocket and makes me jump, I hate to admit it but the stillness of the finca and the crazy state of it is making me feel really nervous.
I pull out my phone cheered to see Rockseys face light up. I answer sternly so he knows that I am not happy with him but trying to be cross with Rocksey is like trying to make a Labrador puppy stop jumping over you and licking your face. Hey babe Rocksey yells listen I know your at Casa Esperanza and I know it all looks a bit wierd but DON”T TOUCH ANYTHING’. Oh my God I start to say, what’s happened? Is everyone ok? “HE’S MAKING A VIDEO…A HORROR FILM….AT OURS….’ Rocksey yells oblivious ITS A WORK IN PROGRESS. Whose making a video and why? I start to say but the line has gone dead. This makes me feel even more disconcerted as there is no one about – am I staring in Candid Camera and if so was some horrible clown or wierd creature come crawling out of the TV at me?
I decide to leave even though I feel like I’m being chased out of my own house by an unknown film crew particularly a film crew that are not actually on set but have left everything as if they re just about to return and why was I not consulted on this video? It is after all my property as well!!
At this point I hear a car coming up the drive which is probably why the dogs had started to bark and my gut instinct tells me to run and hide under the upturned sun lounger with one of the plastic axes I had clocked earlier. However, I’m made of sterner stuff than this and turn to face the owner of the car who has just jumped out and come face to face with BLOODY MAX MILLIONAIRE and his billionaire wife Lizbet. KITTEN he folds me up into his arms in a bear hug. Did you get our message? Well obviously not I say waving my arms at the pool. – Rocksey just phoned me but……. what are you doing here? Have you come to stay……? No it actually turns out that its Max doing the video for his latest Nazi Zombie comic book which Lizbet is hoping to turn into a ‘made for TV’ zombie series and a trailer needed to be filmed ASAP. Rocksey knowing full well that due to Marshes bad behaviour over the last week and SP’s inability to clean up after himself, the villa would be a total mess which is what Max had specifically asked for and as he too was disappearing for a few days himself, Max and Lizbet had pretty much had the place to themselves ( plus a few ‘zombies’ that they had brought with them who. – after a day of filming were now ensconced in our local taverna). They had hoped to be finished and cleared up by now but filming had over run which is why I was booked in to the Miramar and Marcella was coming tomorrow to tidy up.
Now that the mystery has been solved ( I feel like one of the characters in Melodies ‘who dunnits’, I am relived and as happy as I would be to stay on ( and maybe even star in the video) I decide the lure of Frozen Gin cocktails and a suite overlooking the azure waters of the Mediterranean in the 40C heat is far greater than being covered in fake blood and having to deal with a Zombie apocalypse with a PoundLand axe. I leave waving happily to Max and Lizbet ( and the raggedy bunch of Zombies that have returned from their late lunch) and head for the coast calling up Rocksey on the way to find out how his own Vegan Zombie feasting is going…………..