A Zombie Apocalypse.

So I arrive at our Finca late afternoon on Sunday to find a trail of destruction and no one around. There are empty bottles strewn around the pool area and empty cans of beer in the guest apartment. It looks like there has been one hell of a mega party and all revellers have left the building. I know only one thing, Marsh has gone to re-hab and SP has flown out to LA. Rocksey should have been here to greet me and so ….where on earth is he????

I wander around looking at Armageddon until in the kitchen I see a note propped up against a half empty bottle of champagne. Sorry it reads, I know you’ll probably file for divorce but gone to Connecticut for a few days to improve my Vegan cooking- be back Tuesday . PS Gave Marcella the weekend off but she will be in with the team on Monday – I have booked you a suite at that nice hotel you like in Malaga until Tuesday – enjoy xxxx

Tuesday?? Inwardly I fume – its Sunday – the place is a tip – but hang on I read the PS and smile – Rocksey may be a complete C*** BUT The Gran Hotel Miramar is a beautiful place where the Frozen Gin cocktails are to die for and there is a Hammam and I really could do with the de-stressing…..

However, I love our finca and I was a bit pissed off that Rocksey had left it in such a mess knowing that I was about to arrive and it had been over a week since we had seen each other so what was he doing that was so important in Connecticut anyway?

I open the fridge and salvage a bottle of Sancerre which Marsh must have missed, pouring myself a glass I go into mine and Rockseys bedroom  which is as tidy as I would expect with Rockseys OCD, everything is in its place and when I open the wardrobe all my favourite summer dresses have been hung up ready to wear  along with a few others that I haven’t seen before (there is a local gypsey  market and there is one lady there who sells her own creations. – I love her dresses and Rocksey has obviously been to see her as the new dresses hanging up are to die for).  Sipping the ice cold wine I wander through the French doors to our own private patio area where we have a plunge pool. Rocksey had obviously not let Marsh loose here as it looks undisturbed apart from a Birmingham University T Shirt flung carelessly over a pool chair which I recognise as one of his. I pick it up absentmindedly and walk past the pool up the steps to the garden  which again remains thankfully untouched by the weeks chaotic goings on. 

The neighbours dogs start to bark which makes me jump suddenly and catch my breath but the air is still and no one is around. I wander back out to the pool area where a deflated blow up unicorn buts itself against the side of the pool in the breeze, a pair of swimming shorts lay on one of the pool loungers, one of the others is overturned. What appears to be a mess of plastic axes, sickles and other Halloween paraphernalia has been dumped by the pump house. I turn back to stare at the unicorn- I have never seen this before and half wonder where on earth it has come from. My mobile vibrates suddenly in my shorts pocket and makes me jump, I hate to admit it but the stillness of the finca and the crazy state of it is making me feel really nervous.

I pull out my phone cheered to see Rockseys face light up. I answer sternly so he knows that I am not happy with him but trying to be cross with Rocksey is like trying to make a Labrador puppy stop jumping over you and licking your face. Hey babe Rocksey yells listen I know your at Casa Esperanza and I know it all looks a bit wierd but DON”T TOUCH ANYTHING’. Oh my God I start to say, what’s happened? Is everyone ok? “HE’S MAKING A VIDEO…A HORROR FILM….AT OURS….’ Rocksey yells oblivious ITS A WORK IN PROGRESS. Whose making a video and why? I start to say but the line has gone dead. This makes me feel even more disconcerted as there is no one about – am I staring in Candid Camera and if so was some horrible clown or wierd creature come crawling out of the TV at me? 

I decide to leave even though I feel like I’m being chased out of my own house by an unknown film crew particularly a film crew that are not actually on set  but have left everything as if they re just about to return and why was I not consulted on this video? It is after all my property as well!!

At this point I hear a car coming up the drive which is probably why the dogs had started to bark and my gut instinct tells me to run and hide under the upturned sun lounger  with one of the plastic axes I had clocked earlier. However, I’m made of sterner stuff than this and turn to face the owner of the car who has just jumped out and come face to face with BLOODY MAX MILLIONAIRE and his billionaire wife Lizbet.  KITTEN he folds me up into his arms in a bear hug. Did you get our message? Well obviously not I say waving my arms at the pool. –  Rocksey just phoned me but……. what are you doing here? Have you come to stay……? No it actually turns out that its Max doing the video for his latest Nazi Zombie comic book which Lizbet is hoping to turn into a ‘made for TV’ zombie series and a trailer needed to be filmed ASAP. Rocksey knowing full well that due to Marshes bad behaviour over the last week and SP’s inability to clean up after himself, the villa would be a total mess which is what Max had specifically asked for  and as he too was disappearing for a few days himself, Max and Lizbet had pretty much had the place to themselves ( plus a few ‘zombies’ that they had brought with them who. – after a day of filming were now ensconced in our local taverna).  They had hoped to be finished and cleared up by now but filming had over run which is why I was booked in to the Miramar and Marcella was coming tomorrow to tidy up. 

Now that the mystery has been solved ( I feel like one of the characters in Melodies ‘who dunnits’, I am relived and as happy as I would be to stay on ( and maybe even star in the video) I decide the lure of Frozen Gin cocktails and a suite overlooking the azure waters of the Mediterranean in the 40C heat is far greater than being covered in fake blood and having to deal with a Zombie apocalypse with a PoundLand axe. I leave waving happily to Max and Lizbet ( and the raggedy bunch of Zombies that have returned from their late lunch) and head for the coast calling up Rocksey on the way to find out how his own Vegan Zombie feasting is going…………..

Hablo Español (bigo blacko dogo)

Marsh bounded into the kitchen, where Rocksey and Penguino were eating, “Ive worked it out – it all makes sense now” Marsh blurted, whilst leaving a trail of beer cans, champagne bottle, and red wine bottle behind him. “Worked what out” both friends asked, both looking stunned at the trail of destruction that Marsh was leaving in his wake. The language its easy, sorted, I’m going shopping by myself to prove it as well, “what do we need ?, Rocksey and penguino gave Marsh a list “I wont be needing that just tell me” was his reply. What about the mess you’ve made “I’ll clear it in the morning” (That was Marshs answer for everything)

Marsh sprinted to the door shouting “HASTA LA MEGRA ! ! !” Rocksey looked at Penguino and shrugged, What does that mean penguino asked Rocksey “I have no idea” Rocksey replied. (Rocksey is fluent in Spanish). What do you think he will bring back ? At least the water as we really need that ! ! ! ! .

Somehow Marsh arrived at the supermarket (2 hours after setting off) and its only a 2 mile drive.Bounced across the car park yelping and squealing as he’d forgotten his shoes and the tarmac was almost the temperature of the sun. Marsh always saw himself as a bit of a lewis Hamilton when behind a shopping trolley, so after demolishing the display of tined beans and narrowly avoiding the cooked meats counter, he decided to walk and not run barefooted on a marble floor still not a good idea. Marsh resembled Bambi on ice as he made his way towards the water section, UNFORTUNATLY he had to pass the BEER to get there ! ! ! ! ! . With a trolley now groaning under the weight of the beer cans Marsh(Bambi) opened a can sipped the cool contents and tried to remember what it was he was supposed to get. In a flash he thought he had remembered and staring pushed the over laden trolley towards the salad and vegtables.

This was it Marsh V The Spanish language (HAsta la Megra/poor fav four/buenos nochees/chocolate) he was fluent according to himself. The stunned shop assistant looked at Marsh like he was an alien as Marsh reeled off his entire Spanish vocabulary, nothing making any sense to anyone who may have heard. Marsh decided the assistant must be a bit deaf so reeled off his Spanish again and this time with gestures and three times the volume and spilling beer on a now glass like floor which had Marshs legs going 10 to the dozen just to stand still. Marsh looked like a demented chicken speaking alien and drinking his still unpaid for beer (The shop are YouTubeing  the cctv later today) shouting in a strange Spanish accent and doing charade actions for “I want turkey” (you imagine the scene) ……..

8 hours later that day there was a knock at the door and the supermarket delivery van was outside. “Mr Rocksey” the driver asked “yes” this is yours we believe. The driver opened the back doors of the van and poured Marsh into the hall, Also he bought these, the driver handed Rocksey a box of now completely melted cornettos and defrosted broad beans! ! “The bill is €275 “the driver said. “WHAT” was Rockseys reply “€275 for cornettos and broad beans and we don’t have the contents of the cornettos just a soggy box ? ?. “No thats for the damage he caused and the BEER he drank” Rocksey paid the driver and turned to look at Marsh. he wasn’t there. Marsh had disappeared and neither Rocksey or Penguino could find him.

Penguino said to Rocksey “he’s gotta go he’s gotta go you cant keep letting him off”. “I know “.

Rocksey and Penguino climbed into the car list in hand, “its always easier to do it ourselves” quicker cheaper cleaner and we get what we wanted. As the pair drove off the upstairs curtains twitched as Marsh peeped out Champagne in one hand wine in the other, creeping off to hide in the wardrobe Marsh could be heard congratulating himself on his mastery of the Spanish language,navigation skills,shopping trolley driving and his all round super human ability and not mention his belief that he could drink Oliver Reed under the table. ( marsh couldn’t drink a five year old under the table let alon Oliver Reed)

Human Food (for insects)

Rocksey and Penguino returned from a night out in Malaga. Penguino knawing on what Rocksey said was half of a sheep leg Rocksey chewing on a celery stick, ( as this was what penguino had said was all he could eat from the kebab shop they had visited(now Rocksey was trying out a vegan lifestyle) before returning to the studio/house.

On entering the building both stopped dead and listened, in the distance there was a faint swish swish spray yelp sound and various high pitched screams and curses. Both Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other shrugged and headed to the kitchen, threw open the American fridge doors and retrieved a bottle of JD (Rocksey could still drink this)  and a bucket of ice. Both friends settled down on the terrace and chatted about the album.

Penguino again said”What is that noise” Rocksey shrugged. Both friends clinked glasses and carried on where they had left off. Penguino retrieved his guitar and began to make it sing, the sound was more akin to a songbird than a guitar again Rocksey shook his head in disbelief and just watched.

Abruptly Penguino stopped “I’ve got to find out what that noise is”. Penguino and Rocksey set off to track the swish swish yelp scream spray spray sound down. “What do you think it is” Rocksey enquired ?” Penguino replied “as long as its not Marsh with one of my guitars i’m not to concerned” 

The noise was getting louder and louder now, Penguino stopped dead “it is him it is him he’s dead if its one of my guitars” Rocksey pointed out when they last saw Marsh, Penguino had launched him out of the studio, and left him in a drunken heap then he double locked the door so he couldn’t get in, anywhere near to his guitars.

Opon opening the door to Marshe’s room the two friends stopped dead. There in his white Y fronts was Marsh fly swotter  in one hand spray in his other. It looked like he was sword fencing multiple invisible opponents and engaging in chemical warfare at the same time, and the opponents were winning. Swish Swish spray spray scream yelp swish, Marsh was now polka dot from head to tow, red blotches on his lilly white milk coloured skin, where it was now apparent he had become dinner for countless mosquitoes and still was main course judging by his frantic fencing actions. Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other “shall we help him” Rocksey asked Penguino replied “why” “with you being vegan now you cant kill a living thing so it would be wrong for you, and I cant bebothered” 

Both friends closed the door and  returned to the terrace, Penguino asked Rocksey “can you die from loss of blood due to mosquito bites ?” We will find out soon enough we will find out soon enough. Another clink of glasses and more sweet guitar tunes cane from the terrace, in the distance the same swish swish scream yelp sounds echoed into the distance. Penguino muttered ” do you think the mosquitoes are going to kill him tonight” as his solo bounced off the the ceiling and resounded around the terrace, “No, oh well at least its not us” Rocksey replied. Both laughed and dropped more ice into their now empty glasses filled them and carried on chatting……. swish swish spray yelp scream yelp swish echoed into the distance Marsh was losing the battle. At least he wont look like Mr Milk bottle tomorrow Rocksey announced Penguino added if there is a tomorrow for him .

Back to Reality NOT

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Well the partying couldn’t go on forever, Marsh went back to his part-time directorships Penguino went off to his retreat, Melody and Suki stayed on in Greece to take in the culture they said, more like the wine I thought. Me and Rocksey returned home with nothing planned or so I thought.

After a couple of days lazing around and strumming his guitar (were still on the same song by the way) Rocksey announced “were off” where I squawked back at him. Spain ! !! !  why Spain?. I’ve arranged a few solo gigs there just low-key 20 to 30 people max he said. But you only know 2 songs and neither of them are perfect and you don’t even know all the lyrics to them, you can’t go and humm your way through. I have to admit i was a touch concerned in Rockseys eyes he was a far better guitarist than he actually was and yes he could get away with mumbling the lyrics to his own songs  but not to the classics he was proposing.

Two days later my bags were packed “wheres your bags” I asked Rocksey ?, “here” was the response WHERE I shouted back. Proudly Rocksey showed me his old school satchel “here”. “you’ve got to be joking ” I retorted “no” here is my BAG! !. Well don’t come complaining to me in a few days when you stink and even I wont come within 10 yards of you.

The first few days were just fine hot sunshine, azul blue skies, and great people. Rocksey had surpassed himself with the early organisation and even the first show was good, the people seemed to enjoy it and Rocksey certainly did. “Its far more intense” he said  just me and the people non of that stage show, fireworks and lights this is far better.

it wasn’t long before we had it the south of Spain (an area I knew very well) we’d taken up residence in one of Rockseys Spanish friends villas Rocksey was playing in the local bars and I was just touring around. I’m off to Granada for a few days I told Rocksey, Ok see you when you get back. Now this was unusual Rocksey normally likes to know when and where, who and how when a trip is organised but this time not a question. I have to admit I wasn’t so sure about going now. But off I went “see you in three days I called” “bye have a great time” was the reply. out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Rocksey sprinting out towards the terrace. no time to investige now my driver had turned up and off I went.

Now what happened next is Rockseys version of events so belive what you might.A few phone calls later and Marsh and Penguino were both on their way to meet Rocksey. Rocksey had now realised that his guitar playing wasnt the best and required the silken skills of Penguino but why Marsh that I couldn’t work out.

Man hugs were handed out as soon as Penguino and Marsh arrived and the beers were opened. “whats the plan” Penguino enquired. “latin speaking countries” there’s a massive market out there and together we can take it. Also we start tonight here’s the song list, Rocksey handed the list to Penguing. Penguino looked back at Rocksey and said “is this the right list” yep was the reply. No problem Penguino replied. Senor Penguino could play just about any song and if he couldn’t he could produce a tune which was just as good. When tonight in the harbour was the response a small venue 30 to 40 max  it will be great but before lets clear these beers. Now Marsh perked up at the sound of beer as the temperature was now in the high 30’s. What do I do asked Marsh you’ve got your tambourine like I asked, “yep” dont i need to know what songs and where I play? not really its all by ear Rocksey replied. This had marsh slightly concerned but as another beer had made its way into his hand all worries soon disappeared.

The sweltering day slid into the early evening and Rocksey and Penguino were getting ready Rocksey still living out of his tiny bag and recycling as much as he could. Penguino had borrowed a guitar from the local store, with the proviso he signed the guitar and spent a few hours in the store the following day. Marsh was still laying beside the Pool, Come on marsh were off.

The shout startled Marsh awake and he sprung into action dashing towards the car, you’re not changing he was asked. I’ve got some things in my bag “let’s go”. Rocksey was sat next to Marsh in the car and he could feel the heat coming off Marsh. You going to ne ok tonight he enquired. Unusual for Rocksey to be concerned but Marsh usually was the colour of milk and now he was slowley turning the colour of a tomato.

In through the back door they went. The three Amigos as they had billed themselves bundled themselves towards the stage. Rocksey stopped them and handed Marsh some castanets “what are these” Marsh asked “you’ll need them was the reply and with that the curtains opened Penguino started immediately the crowd loved him straight away slick and professional then Rocksey, not bad by all accounts carrying off LOLA almost note perfect. By now the sun and beer had caught up with Marsh and for the first couple of songs he was great in time and even pushing the song were required, but while Rocksey was doing his inter song chats Marsh kept on having a sip or two from the drinks provided. Rocksye and Penguino sipped water. By the fifth song Marsh seemed to have disappeared Rocksey looked at penguino and Penguino shrugged. Then night drew to a close rapturous applause echoed around the venue as they left the stage. Rocksey announced as they left the stage “clothes shopping tomorrow” I can’t keep wearing the same stuff. Music shop for me tomorrow Penguino replied, he never broke a promise. Marsh would be staying in bed as he was found slumped behind the door between the frame and the toilet. Hard to see as he was now the colour of the tiles and blended in quite well.

The usual words “never again” were uttered by Marsh. Penguino said “he’s not to bad” on percussion is he I might have a gig or two for him when we get back. “just keep him away from the beer” Rocksey said, not even a couple.

The following morning Rocksey and Penguino sat back on the terrace beer in hand betting on what time Marsh would appear, Marsh who had been taken to A&E last night with sunstroke and alcohol poisoning, it appears the drink marsh kept sipping till he started slipping was 80% proof, and the doctor had informed him no alcohol for 5 days and no sun either. What am I supposed to do Marsh asked I’m in Spain and I can’t go in the sun or have a Beer? Penguino and Rocksey full of sympathy shouted back at Marsh “were off to the beach to catch a few rays and a beer or two see ya later”……

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LOST RECORDINGS

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Rocksey had been in his studio every day for the last two weeks, when suddenly he appeared by the pool “I’ve found them” found what I asked ?.  the lost recordings. The recordings I made before I quit the band. Now Rocksey had been fed up with all the touring and Media for some time now and the lack of help from the rest of the band finally got to him and he just walked pout before a show in Montreal. The last the band saw of him, was him trudging off into the night jacket collar turned up head down battling through the snow, leaving only his fading footsteps behind which quickly disappeared as the heavy snow filled them.

Now Rocksey had been recording the shows for weeks but as per usual he couldn’t remember where or how he’d saved them or what format he’d used. It turns out the last two weeks have been spent going through one by one all the files on Rockseys Hard drives and he has a few of them.

I’ve found them I’ve found them he said doing a little jig, I raised my sunglasses and looked at him and trying to sound a little enthused “oh that’s good”  could you get me another glass of wine this ones empty. Rocksey sprang off in the direction of the kitchen and soon returned with my rather full glass. The last recording ever he said I’m off to the studio don’t disturb me.

And with that he disappeared. I knew from past experience he could be gone for some days even weeks if I was lucky. Rocksey sees himself as producer, Engineer and whole band !!  Singer and show man he can get away with he can play a simple tune on a guitar but producer and engineer I will see.

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The sun came and  went, the bottles of wine full then empty long conversations with Melody & Suki started and finished. I decided I’d better go and check on him, Forcing the door to the studio open I was greeted by Rocksey dancing (I use the word dancing very loosely)  more like a fish on dry land  flapping to get back to water. “Hows it going ?”…. Going ! ! Going he replied its DONE and its fantastic  just listen. now even for Rocksey the room was a mess and he had to push bottles and glasses out of the way to get to the recording desk . Finally he hit play “live recording” he shouted above the opening bars of the first track, as he carried on he dance.

after listening to all 6 tracks I had to admit it did sound damn good. How did you manage to get such a good sound I asked, half expecting him to say he’d had help from Senor Penguino but no the shout was YOUTUBE 3 days of watching YOUTUBE then 2 days work 1 day of midi drums replacing each beat so they are all the same strength the mastering and touching up the vocals.

“PHONE” Suki and Penguino here I’ve got the melody and structure of the next six songs worked out but need his musical genius to actually turn them into songs also phone Melody get Marsh here I will need his Percussion skills and tell him to bring his own triangle i have a use for it on one of the songs.

With a wry smile I dashed towards the phone Suki and Melody will love the fact that the men will be gone for days now if Rocksey has his way, and judging by the number of bottles of JD that there were in the studio fridge it was going to be a long session. Me, Suki and Melody settled back into our seats and fastened our belts as the plane taxied out on to the runway, “what do you think they will get completed” asked Suki “who cares” replied Melody “NEW YORK” here we come!! ! ! !

It turns out with the help of Senor Penguino Rocksey actually managed to get another six tracks down and to my surprise they weren’t anything like I’d expected. Rocksey had now six more songs of different genre Marsh had the worse head he’d ever had and he’d even lost his triangle, but yes you could clearly hear it on the track Rocksey had promised.

Phone the record company Rocksey shouted tell them I’m on my way.. this is gonna be bigger than the Beatles and Stones put together.  With that Rocksey and Penguino jumped into the car and with a screech of tyres and a cloud of dust they were gone. “Shall I get you a taxi” I asked Marsh “no thanks just a coffee” was the whispered reply.

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Later that night I was awoken by a phone call and Rocksey and Penguino singing down the phone “its out in four weeks, its out in four weeks” then with the sound of clinking glasses the phone went dead and they were gone…

Four weeks later the album was released and Rocksey and Penguino were back on the media trail promoting the album around the world Marsh kept saying he was joining them but never showed up, the thought of all the drinking put him off somewhat. Well at least it gets me Suki and Melody some quite time… and shopping time PARIS here we come ! ! ! ! ! ! .

Marsh finally joined them both on the final night in London and again regretted it the next morning “Never again Never again they are both Idiots they don’t know when to stop” he croaked. The worst thing about what Marsh said was it was true they didn’t know when to stop and the even worse thing is Rocksey NEVER has had a Hangover no matter what. So the next day he is unbearably happy and loud with just a mildly upset stomach which we all have to suffer and I do mean SUFFER……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

SONG WRITING SUNDAY ?

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Well Sunday has thundered around again, and again its hit Rocksey like the Cannon ball express with Casey Jones going for the land speed record.

Creative thats what I feel like today as Rocksey sprang out of bed at 5:30AM, Time to write down some of my new songs that ive been working on over the last few months. (Rocksey has all these ideas but if not recorded or videoed he forgets the tune or the lyrics or both) So pencil in hand and his new song book off he ran to the studio. 

3 hours later Kitten arose from the bed and strolls down towards the studio where Rocksey is entrenched, Guitars, Banjo, mic’s, video camera and lights. Before she got close enough to see what was actually happening Rocksey shouted “COFFEE” and make sure it’s black and very strong, Kitten thought this strange as Rocksey doesnt like coffee, but she thought what the hell i’ll make him some very strong Colombian black coffee. Kitten shuffled off towards the kitchen thinking of what she could do now Rocksey was sure to be gone till at the earliest 8 or 9PM, the time of Rockseys favourite tv programme from the 80’s was replayed on the tv. Now Kitten could fill an entire day with her new hobby Photography somthing which bored Rocksey. His comments of how many pictures can you take of a bucket before you have enough still ring in kittens ears, a different story if Rocksey is the subject matter of the pictures, If Rocksey was older the Carley Simon song “Your so vain” could have been about him. I digress back to the story. Kitten made her way back to the studio, pushing open the door with her knee through an incense haze she could see Rocksey Bent over the Desk scribbling away, where do you want this.Pointing to a small table on the left Rocksey gestured where.

GREAT he shouted listen to this a completely new song “Easy living Man” and ive got a role for Marsh, Precussion. “Percussion” Kitten said, Now she knew Marsh had played Bass and sang in the past but never had she seen him with bongos or anything else slightly percussionie ever. Its a great idea I’ve had and ive even drawn a story board for the video, now the story boards Rocksey draws how can I say arnt any Constables more Picasso in his expressionistic phase which even Rocksey struggled to work out a few days later.

Now the 1st versions of Rockseys songs to say at the best are rough and to Kitten they all sound the same, but this time the melody isnt that bad she says, Rocksey isnt any guitar player even though he thinks he can cary a song, what about the lyrics she asks?.

Well ! . This opening word has Kitten dreading the worst and yes Rocksey doesnt dissapoint her, Its about Me Patty (frankenhooker fame) and Jenny (Friends fame)  a motel and an alter and proceeds to play and sing. With a beaming smile Rocksey asks what do you think ? Now not wanting to dismiss the whole song she spins and heads for the door shouting over her shoulder “It needs work Lots of work” and pulls the door shut.

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It wasnt long till there was a thumping at the door and there was Marsh with Bongos and various other percussion instruments. I cant chat he says important recording to do. Kitten reaches for her camera and heads out to find somthing photograph.

Bursting into the studio Marsh trips up over Rockseys legs who is laying on the floor videoing his latest song. Why are you on the floor Marsh asks “Camera angles” Rocksey says very important, and proceeds to show marsh the story board and video. Now Marsh has know Rocksey for years but even he couldnt work out the story board, Rocksey assuring him all will be great, there will be cars, girls,location and lots of BEER. At this Marsh’s face lit up and Rocksey pulled a very large bottle of JD from the drawer. Lets work he announced pouring himself and Marsh a large very large drink, Bongos 1st. It seems Marsh had told Rocksey while they were drunk some months ago he could play the Bongos and now he was going to have to do it. After a few run listens they were set and Marsh hit them Bongos like Animal from the Muppets arms legs going everywhere but WOW he could actually play them, Next the tambourine parts (Marsh had always secretly thought of himself as a reincarnated Jim Morrison) the only similarity anyone else saw was the fact Marsh like Jim Like JD, unlike Jim, Marsh couldnt handle it.

When Kitten returned later Rocksey was infront of the tv, Dinners on he shouted, it will be ready in 45 minutes. Wheres Marsh she asked as his Aston Martin was still on the drive. Oh hes asleep I think Rocksey said, where asked Kitten? “STUDIO” was the shouted response. Kitten made her way to the studio which now resembled a war zone where she found Marsh asleep behind his Bongos and a empty bottle of JD by his side. What we going to do with him Kitten asked Rocksey oh dont worry Melody is on her way over to get him, but more importantly watch this. Rocksey lowered the HD Projector screen logged into you tube and proceeded to show me “Easy living man” video, Its all you Kitten said “Yep” was the response aint it great oh and Marsh 1:45 check there youll see him propped up between the speakers and Bongos ! Its the only way I could et him upright.

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So all three of us pour Marsh into Melodys Range rover knowing he’s going to regret this Sunday for a few days. Rocksey rushes back to his 80’s programme which he informs me he has 30 episodes recorded for tonight. Deep joy I think Photo editing will see me throug till Monday.

Tiger feet

 

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Rocksey and I have had a busy Christmas time and New Year but now things are getting back to normal at Rocksey Towers. Rockseys plan for January this year was  to be  learn to play the Banjo he bought before Christmas in Brighton on a flying visit to see The Baron and Missy before we all headed off to different parts of the Globe to celebrate Christmas. However, Rocksey has a broken wrist, the tale of how this happened is mine to tell………

We spent NY Eve with Marsh and Melody where Marsh was contemplating ‘early’ retirement. Marsh, being his own boss, can work whenever he pleases, if no one is breathing down his neck wanting jingles for adverts selling washing powder or white goods or a new Indian soap opera is not on the horizon, then Marsh spends his time doing what he likes to do best – collecting vinyl. His searches take him far and wide and always  – much to Melody’s chagrin – results in him bringing back his hoard within which there are sometimes hidden gems but mostly dirge from the 1970’s which only Marsh and Rocksey are partial to.

Marsh has decided – in his own head and I hasten to add – not with Melody’s agreement – that 2017 is the year when he will not be chained to the whims of advertisement agencies who say they want original material for their ads and then change their minds at the last minute and use 20 seconds of old punk rock songs instead. This year- he announced – after several glasses of red wine – I will be my own boss and I am going to take a Sabbatical from trying to make ‘Lets Go’  rhyme with AO, BO or CEO – I am going to spend my days doing what I like to do! Melody drained her glass of champagne and sighed dramatically. That means more piles of records everywhere she waved her hand around their pretty but teeny tiny 17th century cottage (nearly knocking off a pile of books and knick knacks from the welsh dresser beside her) – where is he going to put it all? That’s what I want to know!!  Marsh hasn’t thought this through properly, he had considered a lock up but the nearest garage complex is in a part of town where he wouldn’t really want to visit after dark and the potential for damp would also be damaging to the records – he needs somewhere with climate control and in a safe place with electricity where he could listen to his memories without distraction………the light bulb goes off in both Marshes and Rockseys head at the same time. Ta Dah!! I could store them in your recording studio! Marsh waves his glass around excitedly sloshing most of its contents on their solid oak floor – then we can spend some time working on your new project as well!! Rockseys new project involves a spin off ‘virtual’ band, tapping in to a brand new  bluegrass/punk genre of music involving  – for the moment – mostly him playing all of the instruments (in his head, Rocksey considers himself  a bit like Prince – but without the high heels). However there had been some initial discussion (mostly fuelled by Jack Daniels) with SP as to the potential of the venture and with Marsh having a cameo appearance in a new video (maybe along with Burr as part of the zombie barbershop quartet).  Rocksey nods his head sagely – with a few beers in him Rocksey always thinks Marshes ideas are great – its usually only the next day when he asks me what he actually agreed to and how he can get out of it.

Before I could jump in with a reason why Marsh could not hoard his vinyl at ours ( largely due to the fact that Rocksey has a hoard almost the same size and even at Rocksey Towers there is finate space), Rocksey had embraced the idea and was dancing – what I can only describe as – a jig of excitement– I think the thought of having the entire Mud back catalogue at his fingertips  was too much to comprehend, he was in his element and with this enthusiasm Marsh also got up and started to dance, both of them  looking to the world as a pair of large mammals entering into a mating dance.  Middle aged men – and those that should know better – dancing after a few too many red wines is not a sight I particularly would like to witness at such close quarters and Melodys look of horror must have matched mine. Unable to stop what was unfolding in front of us, Marsh then trying a rendition of the Tiger Feet dance lurched too far forward and started to lose his balance, the remaining red wine and crystal glass flung up in the air as he reached out for Rocksey to save him. But Rocksey was unprepared for the full force of Marsh toppling down on top of him and in his slippery leather soled Mexicana boots, as Marsh fell on top of him, his feet slipped on the oak floor (Melody rued the day she caught the Lithuanian cleaner polishing this with Mr Sheen rather than the expensive wax that the salesperson had advised her to use when the floor was laid)and down they both went. There was a moments silence as both Melody and I gawped at the two men at our feet. Then Rocksey let out a string of expletives pushing Marsh off him whilst I heard Melody then screaming that the red wine had splashed all over her cream suede sofa and there were shards of broken crystal everywhere.

The remainder of New Years Eve was spent at the local hospitals A and E department with the towns drunks and a kid who had pushed 4 M&Ms up his nose and was dribbling blue snot out of his nostril. Rocksey escaped Marshs assault with a broken wrist whilst Marsh ended up with a broken nose and an egg sized lump on his head -two black eyes followed over the coming days. Melody has banned Mash from any potential thoughts on retirement until the oak floor and cream suede sofa have been replaced and he has paid for her to have a holiday in the sun to recover from the trauma of NY Eve. I feel lucky only for the fact that I do not have to listen to Muds back catalogue or watch either Rocksey or Marsh dance again – either together or separately! I am also spared  – for the time being at least – of having to listen  to Rocksey learning to play the banjo – it sits silently I the corner of the living room for now!