New Album (week1 recordings)part 2

Well today was Marshs last chance in the studio. He had been told to be there for 11Am but as usual he was late, but this time it wasn’t Rocksey who was waiting for Marsh it was Senor Penguino ! ! ! ! . Penguino could be tolerant and forgiving but Marshs escapades this week had erased all forgiveness from Penguinos mind. Penguino was sat in the studio lights on in the recording booth and only one spotlight on the recording desk in the studio. He twirled a pencil in his fingers awaiting Marsh, muttering to himself “I knew this was a bad idea”


Finally 45 minutes late the door burst open and in fell Marsh, “you’ve been drinking again” Penguinos voice coming out of all the monitors in this studio “NO” was Marshs response…  Right then lets do take 1 “92 in the shade” you’re ready “yes” was the response. It wasn’t long before they were on take 18 Marsh was fumbling and missing beats left right and centre (strange as he can play the piano) Penguino was now shouting at Marsh like a drill sergeant major. To which Marsh was impervious, he thought things were going great and that they had completed 4 songs already.

Ten Minute break Penguino announced, he got out of his chair and left the studio. Marsh saw the door open and close and immediately opened the music bag he had brought in with him. Now sitting in the corner of the studio Marsh opened his first can of lager and a bottle of white wine, gulping from both one after another Marsh could feel the cool liquid settling his nerves, unfortunately Marsh isn’t a person who know when to stop and unfortunately Penguinos 10 minutes were actually 35. By the time Penguino returned to the studio Marsh had drank 3 bottles of wine 5 cans of lager and 1/4 bottle of gin.! !  ! ! And to anyone looking it seemed all the bones from Marshs body had been removed as he now resemble Mr Wobble.

Penguino found Marsh curled up behind the drum kit phone in hand calling home the line was connected but just the answerphone bleeps could be heard (Melody was still in the US “Thats it” Penguino shouted his words even managed to echo in the sound deadened room, and summoning help loaded Marsh into a car with his teeny tiny suitcase and passport and drive him to the airport. On the 3 hour drive to the airport  Penguino had managed to book a flight , load the app on Marshes phone and download the boarding card.


Penguino knew Marsh wouldn’t look so wrote the flight number on Marshes hand and arranged for someone to get him to the boarding gate and on the plane. By the time they had reached the airport Marsh had come round Penguino said “all recorded” Marsh smiled self congratulating himself  for a job well done. Marsh boarded the flight without even looking at the destination helped by the assistance Penguino organised (Penguino didn’t want Marsh missing the plane) and sat back in his chair and relaxed knowing soon he could endulge in his favourite Gin & Tonics.

Penguino was on the phone to Rocksey ” he’s gone and on a plane we got nothing complete he’d been on the booze again” Rocksey replied “ok ok you were correct” i’ll see you in 6 days when I get back from the States. SP was off to meet  a hero of his John5 in LA and hopefully to wow him with his guitar handiwork – Rocksey had also wanted to go on this trip but as Kitten was due at the villa any time now he felt he couldn’t just up and leave especially with the chaos that Marsh had left behind – Rocksey most definitely didn’t want Kitten to think he had been on the beer all week!!


Marshs flight touched down on a dull drizzly night and he trudged towards passport control, straight through and to the awaiting drivers, There was his name on the board and he dutifully followed the driver. Marsh didn’t pay any attention to where they were going until they pulled up and Marsh read the sign, his worst nightmare had come true he’d been booked into rehab. The car door opened and two male orderlys escorted Marsh into the centre and to his room. Marsh head in hands it had come to this as he reached into his travel bag and pulled out a 6 pack of lager sipping from the 1st can he wondered how much it would cost to bribe the orderly to keep him supplied……..

Cold towels and Vegan Snacks

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Rocksey has returned home from the UK leg of his current Festival tour under his latest pseudonym –  the very private, shy and retiring Chilean Artist Pablo Mercedes. This latest name change had come about after I had mistakenly thought a very very (and I definitely emphasis the double very here) heavy thrash metal band was actually a rather cool sounding reggae band (due to their Rootsy’ name) and booked them for a chilled out Birthday event for The Baron and Dreads who horrified at the screeching vocals from this Brazilian thrash metal singer got into the camper van and headed south as fast as they could. Rocksey and Max Millionaire had laughed so much at my gaff that they decided that Rocksey could get away with sounding himself like a chilled South American dude with a guitar when the reality is something completely different.

However, the gaff proved to be a resounding success, as Pablo Mercedes and his Spanish sounding sidekick SP (never one to change his name or appearance) hit the festival road touring alongside the likes of Rob Zombie and gained a few more thousand fans along the way.

When returning home from any kind of gig Rocksey is usually in need of complete peace and quiet. He would normally spend a few days lying down in a darkened room with a cold towel over his head, muttering about how much his legs and back ached and would only come out at the dead of night to rummage around in the fridge for vegan snacks. This time round though I opened the door to a completely different man. Kitten he yelled sweeping me off my feet and spinning me round before planting a soggy wet kiss on my lips, he bounded into the kitchen, throwing open the American fridge and cramming a handful of garden picked strawberries into his mouth . Before I could even ask ‘how did it go?’, his mobile phone rang and he strode off towards the studio shouting loudly into the phone  ‘you have to get round here Marsh, now! We need to sort this out!!’

Footsteps in the hallway alerted me to the fact that Rocksey had not come home alone. Behind him was a very bedraggled ToxicTrash Keg almost bowed double with the rucksack on her back and her arms filled with plastic carrier bags. He made me carry all the stuff she yelped and sat down on a heap in the hallway – I need a bath I’m so tired and dirty she started to cry.

A few hours later, TTK has recovered from being the Human Donkey and had gone out with her Rock DJ squeeze to bathe in the deflected light of the new Rock God phenomena Pablo Mercedes was actually HER DAD. Pablo/Rocksey had not emerged from the studio and I was now very tired of binge watching Ghost Asylum I decided that I could no longer wait to see what Rocksey needed Marsh NOW for and desperate to hear the latest gossip from the Festival scene  I walked down the hall to the studio with a bowl of vegan snacks and a cold towel.  Although the light was on, it was eerily quiet.

Peaking through the door expecting all sorts of Rock God shit going on, Rocksey was asleep in the chair, jeans rolled up, socks and boots neatly by the side of the chair his feet in a bucket of ( what would now be cold) water. Marsh was nowhere to be seen but it was apparent that he had been at the studio as there was a teeny tiny suitcase open on the floor with one trainer sitting on top what looked like a hell of a lot of neatly folded band T Shirts. What on earth is going on I muttered quietly to myself not wanting to wake Rocksey I tiptoed over to the mixing desk where Rockseys phone lay blinking a green message light –  nudging it back to life there was the message from Marsh which must have prompted Rockseys outburst earlier – can’t get my trainers in to my suitcase – it read – can’t go to the villa – nightmare.

I half turned to catch Rocksey looking quizzically at me – what’s going on?  I asked holding the phone towards him. Rocksey laughed loudly –  I told Marsh he could come to the villa with myself and SP next week to finish recording Pablos new album but he could only take hand luggage, you know what he’s like he can’t go anywhere without his full set of Louis Vuittons  –  anyway I’ve sorted it out for him – he nodded at the teeny tiny suitcase ( which I then recognised as one of ours) and everythings packed but he’s gone off in a strop now saying he’s going to have a heart attack.

I looked back down at the suitcase and then turned again to Rocksey to ask about the tour but Rocksey had the cold towel over his head and his hand in a bowl of Vegan snacks…… ( to be continued)

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LOST RECORDINGS

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Rocksey had been in his studio every day for the last two weeks, when suddenly he appeared by the pool “I’ve found them” found what I asked ?.  the lost recordings. The recordings I made before I quit the band. Now Rocksey had been fed up with all the touring and Media for some time now and the lack of help from the rest of the band finally got to him and he just walked pout before a show in Montreal. The last the band saw of him, was him trudging off into the night jacket collar turned up head down battling through the snow, leaving only his fading footsteps behind which quickly disappeared as the heavy snow filled them.

Now Rocksey had been recording the shows for weeks but as per usual he couldn’t remember where or how he’d saved them or what format he’d used. It turns out the last two weeks have been spent going through one by one all the files on Rockseys Hard drives and he has a few of them.

I’ve found them I’ve found them he said doing a little jig, I raised my sunglasses and looked at him and trying to sound a little enthused “oh that’s good”  could you get me another glass of wine this ones empty. Rocksey sprang off in the direction of the kitchen and soon returned with my rather full glass. The last recording ever he said I’m off to the studio don’t disturb me.

And with that he disappeared. I knew from past experience he could be gone for some days even weeks if I was lucky. Rocksey sees himself as producer, Engineer and whole band !!  Singer and show man he can get away with he can play a simple tune on a guitar but producer and engineer I will see.

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The sun came and  went, the bottles of wine full then empty long conversations with Melody & Suki started and finished. I decided I’d better go and check on him, Forcing the door to the studio open I was greeted by Rocksey dancing (I use the word dancing very loosely)  more like a fish on dry land  flapping to get back to water. “Hows it going ?”…. Going ! ! Going he replied its DONE and its fantastic  just listen. now even for Rocksey the room was a mess and he had to push bottles and glasses out of the way to get to the recording desk . Finally he hit play “live recording” he shouted above the opening bars of the first track, as he carried on he dance.

after listening to all 6 tracks I had to admit it did sound damn good. How did you manage to get such a good sound I asked, half expecting him to say he’d had help from Senor Penguino but no the shout was YOUTUBE 3 days of watching YOUTUBE then 2 days work 1 day of midi drums replacing each beat so they are all the same strength the mastering and touching up the vocals.

“PHONE” Suki and Penguino here I’ve got the melody and structure of the next six songs worked out but need his musical genius to actually turn them into songs also phone Melody get Marsh here I will need his Percussion skills and tell him to bring his own triangle i have a use for it on one of the songs.

With a wry smile I dashed towards the phone Suki and Melody will love the fact that the men will be gone for days now if Rocksey has his way, and judging by the number of bottles of JD that there were in the studio fridge it was going to be a long session. Me, Suki and Melody settled back into our seats and fastened our belts as the plane taxied out on to the runway, “what do you think they will get completed” asked Suki “who cares” replied Melody “NEW YORK” here we come!! ! ! !

It turns out with the help of Senor Penguino Rocksey actually managed to get another six tracks down and to my surprise they weren’t anything like I’d expected. Rocksey had now six more songs of different genre Marsh had the worse head he’d ever had and he’d even lost his triangle, but yes you could clearly hear it on the track Rocksey had promised.

Phone the record company Rocksey shouted tell them I’m on my way.. this is gonna be bigger than the Beatles and Stones put together.  With that Rocksey and Penguino jumped into the car and with a screech of tyres and a cloud of dust they were gone. “Shall I get you a taxi” I asked Marsh “no thanks just a coffee” was the whispered reply.

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Later that night I was awoken by a phone call and Rocksey and Penguino singing down the phone “its out in four weeks, its out in four weeks” then with the sound of clinking glasses the phone went dead and they were gone…

Four weeks later the album was released and Rocksey and Penguino were back on the media trail promoting the album around the world Marsh kept saying he was joining them but never showed up, the thought of all the drinking put him off somewhat. Well at least it gets me Suki and Melody some quite time… and shopping time PARIS here we come ! ! ! ! ! ! .

Marsh finally joined them both on the final night in London and again regretted it the next morning “Never again Never again they are both Idiots they don’t know when to stop” he croaked. The worst thing about what Marsh said was it was true they didn’t know when to stop and the even worse thing is Rocksey NEVER has had a Hangover no matter what. So the next day he is unbearably happy and loud with just a mildly upset stomach which we all have to suffer and I do mean SUFFER……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hutch V Marsh

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Well Hutch was most disappointed with Marsh and his drunken stupor after 4 pints the other night, that this time he was going to make sure Marsh stayed the distance and SUFFERED as well…

Not only did Hutch write books but he also grew chillies hundreds of different types and had been trying to perfect the worlds hottest chilli. Now Marsh thought that Heinz spicy relish was Hot enough and anything else was just plain foolish, Especially after the time at Rockseys where Marsh had ignored the warnings of Rocksey  “don’t take a bite of the chilli” and proceeded to bite off a pea sized chunk. Marsh spent just over an Hour in the toilet sure he was going to die and emerged finally to a round of applause from all in the room and whiter than Casper the ghost shouting “you tried to kill me ” .

Well Hutch thought he could go one better, as he missed out on the fun last time. Him and Marsh had a day sailing around the island on Hutche’s yacht and drinking a few beers, when marsh announced it was betting time. Now if you’ve followed this post you’ll know Marsh see himself as a bit of a gambler (all be it not very good) Now Hutch didnt gamble but went along with it. colour of the next boat around the headland stated marsh ok sighed Hutch Blue marsh said, Hutch knowing 90% of the boats around were white plumped for the colour of choice, 15 minutes later Hutch was one up and Marsh had a shot of vodka in his hand. Now hutch lined up various size glasses on the table and poured vodka into each and each losing bet ment you went to the next size glass…

This had Marsh a little concerned but he thought he must be able to beat Hutch the non betting man.. next bet Marsh said decade the next song on the Radio is from and chose 2000’s now Hutch couldnt belive his look as they were listening to absolute 90’s and chose the 90’s and yes Hutch won again. After losing 2 more bets and feeling rather Drunk Marsh changed the stakes to eating now marsh didn’t know but the only FOOD on the yacht was a delivery of California Reaper Chillies Hutch was delivering the next day.

Whats the Bet Hutch asked . Hmmmmm Marsh thought and shouted the result of the football game being shown on the tv ok said Hutch, now hutch wasnt to concerned if he lost the bet as he could just about eat one of the chillies, painful but he could just handle it. Now Marsh thought has he had 1st choice he couldn’t lose Chelsea V Palace it had to be Chelsea all the way he shouted and doing a celebratory jig on the deck and shouting WINNER WINNER Hutch’es eating DINNER,…….  Now Hutch didnt think he had much chance either but you never know, and yes Palace WON 2-1 which had Hutch doing the same dance as Marsh but with a bit more style and panache. Now Marsh was looking a slight bit worried (more terrified) at the prospect and offered to down the largest glass full of vodka in 1 as a trade-off, No said hutch its the chilli a whole chilli.

Marsh sorted through and chose the smallest he could find  was about the size of a grape. Now Hutch had his phone ready and counted down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 EAT. Marsh put the chilli in his mouth and bit down, fearing the worst but instead it was fruity and actually quite nice so marsh chomped away. 10 seconds had passed before Marsh suddenly froze and you could watch the colour drain from him, just like someone had opened a tap in his ankle and all the blood had left his body. Do something he screamed at Hutch who by now was rolling around on the deck clutching his sides and Marsh ran back and forth looking for relief. Marsh saw a Pitcher of water No shouted Hutch But to late Marsh was gulping on the water. Hutch knew water only made it worse. Now Marsh was the same colour as the chilli by now and desperately seeking anything diary as Hutch had managed to inform him in between his screams and sobbing also knowing the nearest dairy products wer 3 miles away in the local shop. Marsh was going to have to man this one out. Now Marsh’s version of manning it out was to go and lock himself in the boats toilets for the next 2 hours wishing that the world would suddenly end to finish his pain.

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All marsh could mumble on their way back to port was Chelsea Chelsea WHY, whilst Hutch whistled a sea shanty and wondering if the video of Marsh’s meltdown would go viral.

PASSPORT REQUIRED

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Well Marsh had decided to visit his old mucker Hutch. Now hutch had been Marshe’s best Buddy back in the day and many a tale could be told about there antics, but today I’ll stick to this visit.

A brief background on Hutch first. Hutch had always seen himself as an aspiring author and after his big win on the lottery he’d moved to the Isle of Wight in a large house overlooking the marina. To keep his eye on his yacht we all thought. Now we all laughed about Hutch writing because he had the mastery of English grammar the same as an Assyrian Goat herder. But 5 successful books down the line it was Hutch who was laughing, but i digress.

Now when Marsh was organising this trip Hutch informed him that due to heightened security Marsh would and I quote “need his passport Euros and vaccination card”. Now this had marsh in a panic and the rest of us in fits of laughter .Marsh claimed that because the Isle of Wight wasnt connected to the mainland it wasnt part of the UK, (intelligence never a strong point with Marsh) and he visited a stunned doctor to get his shots before travel.

On arrival Hutch had the day/evening all planned, they would start on Hutches yacht before hitting the harbour bars where Hutch was well known for drinking till the sun came up. When seated on the deck of the yacht hutch brought Marsh a couple of bottles of sol “Cheers matey” this is going to be a long night. This is what Marsh had been dreading, he had hoped hutch had mellowed over all the years but NO Hutch was as loud and in your face as ever about the same as a shell fired from a Tiger 2 tank. “There’s no limes in my sol” shouted Marsh “I don’t do fruit in my drinks” was Hutch’s response. if you want fruit go to one of them poncey wine bars and have a cocktail, we’ll start on the beers and progress as the night goes on .

Two bars later and 4 beers later Marsh thought (as per usual) he could take on the world and how he was also the winner of strictly come dancing, showing off his moves to the latest Tinie tempah song, he looked more like Bambi on Ice.

Hutch turned to look out over the harbour only to hear a loud thud behind him, spinning around he saw NOTHING ! ! ! Until his eyes dropped to floor level there was MArsh in his normal position unconscious and drunk as a skunk.

Hutch summoned the bar staff to drag Marsh into the back room to sleep his 2 bottles and 4 small beers off while Hutch would as per normal continue the party till the early hours. NOTHING will ever change with hard drinking Marsh Nothing will change Hutch thought to himself as he watched the sun sink below the horizon while sipping another whiskey…

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