Escape to “Billy Smarts” 

Well Marsh had been in rehab now for three days and he was crawling up the walls, no ALCOHOL at all and none of the the staff were paying any attention to his pleas and begging. Even the promise of untold riches didn’t alter the staffs attitude. Marsh realised his only chance was escape but how ?. As Marsh was a fee paying patient (Melody was paying) he could come and go within the grounds of the centre as he liked until lock down at 7pm.

Marsh had scouted out all the perimeter of the centre and all the walls were far too high and well lit past dusk, so another plan needed to be hatched. Marsh had recently watched “some like it hot” and realised a disguise was the way forward. So using his best clouseau detective mind he set about the task, unfortunately for Marsh the only store cupboard he could find open was the nurses uniform cupboard(female), fortunately Marsh had never been described as stocky or well built and soon he found a uniform that would fit. This he bundled inside his cardigan and scurried back to his room. If you had the chance to see him you would have only described him as a pregnant George Clooney (his likeness claim not mine) with arthritic hips dashing along a well lit corridor. Next make up he thought , well there was an old soak 3 rooms down that never locked her door and was always made up to the nines, Marsh was sure someone came in every day to do her makeup as it was always perfect and her hands shook uncontrollably.

Marshs next sauté was to the soaks room and soon he was scurrying back to his rook laden with estee lauder and Chanel makeup. Now according to Marsh he had never worn makeup but everyone had seen his Adam & the Ants/new romantic pictures where he was made up like a pantomime dame. There was no time to worry so Marsh sat himself in front of the mirror and started 1st poking himself in the eye with the pencil liner, 2nd foundation too much and spending the next 2 hours sneezing, 3rd lipstick which had him more looking like the joker than a woman, and last blusher which was applied in the same thickness as the double yellow lines on the road.

 

This was it now or never Marsh hitched up his skirt and made for the door, people were leaving and the door was open as he approached when just 10mtrs away Marsh made a mad sprint knocking people sideways as he sped towards the door , made it and off down the path he sprinted. (What he didn’t know was he was being released this same day anyway) the staff just watched as this deranged he/she nurse careered down the drive and straight into the nearest pub. 10 minutes later and 3 pints Marsh now had to make good his escape. Noticing there was a large event down the road Marsh scuttled down and took a look. A circus what luck he exclaimed, Marsh thought he could hide out there for a few hours until the search party had given up (there never was or would be a search party).

Marsh entered the big top through the back door and the instant he entered the head clown Mrs Spare Part cornered him “your late you know tonight routine” get ready. Marsh taken aback stuttered and mumbled but head clown Spare Parrt barked the orders at his and Marsh sloped off to join the other clowns. fortunately for Marsh he was to play the DRUNK so as he had consumed 3 pints he performance should be convincing. 10 Minutes later with a foot squarely in his back Marsh was launched into the ring followed by 5 other clowns all armed with custard pies all destined for Marsh.

The performance was soon over and Spare Part came over and congratulated Marsh on his realistic performance ” you will be staying for the tour ?” Marsh still convinced that there would be search parties out for him agreed without hesitation. “Great ” said Spare Part you caravan is over there. Marsh slumped back on the sofa in his van via a call at the bar,arms laden with booze and self congratulated himself, “who would have believed it me a clown” Now everyone who know Marsh thought of him as a clown but maybe this was his true vocation in life. 

A life on the stage and being told what to do by a woman Marsh was in heaven. He put his feet up and cracked open another can, Marsh began singing “Hi Diddly Dee A Circus Life For ME” and a tour wait till Rocksey & Penguino find out this will blow them away, Clown this week Circus Master within a month Marsh assured himself …… we will see we will see ! ! ! ! ! 

Vegan Zombie 

Well Rocksey had been at Robs now for 3 days and was getting used to the vegan life and thought that it was time to repay their generosity and cook something for Rob and Sherri.

ROcksey had been following “cookthebeans.blog” a vegan cook for weeks now and decided to cook them a beetroot and red quinoa burger . After only 20 minutes prep Rocksey was ready to cook.

Now cooking isn’t anything new to rocksey but this time his hands were visibly shaking. Nervous was an understatement “here we go he thought ”

The oven was pre hearted and the burgers made, rocksey had made his own mixed salad with a lemon vinegarette dressing.

The burgers were fried for approx 2 minutes a side and all was ready.

40minutes later Zombie stood up and slapped Rocksey on his back “Welcome to the family welcome to the family” that was truly delicious. Even if you had tried I don’t think you could have wiped the smile off Rockseys face.

Rocksey was on the phone to kitten as soon as he returned to his room “they loved it “”dinner”  and even I thought it was great.

I have posted the RECIPE BELOW 

Please check out “COOKTHEBEANS.BLOG” FOR MORE STUNNING VEGAN FOOD RECIPE’S – SHE’S FANTASTIC 

This Vegan Burger is probably one of my favourites, hope you like it to.

 • 2 cups of peeled, roasted, chopped beets

 • 1 cup cooked red quinoa (white is just as fine)

 • 2 tbsp olive oil

 • 3 tbsp ground flaxseeds, soaked in 9 tbsp water

 • 1 onion, finely diced

 • 4 garlic cloves, crushed

 • 1/2 cup of chickpeas or rice or oats

 • 2 tbsp lemon juice

 • 2 tbsp soy sauce

 • salt and pepper to taste

 • coriander to taste

 • cumin to taste

 • 1/2 cup finely chopped mushrooms (shitake, baby bella or white button) optional 
Preheat the oven to 200ºC.

Place the chopped beets, the garlic, the onion and the mushrooms rubbed with olive oil, on a parchment paper and let it roast for 20-30 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.

 

In a food processor add all the ingredients, including seasonings. Pulse until combined, without making it to mushy.

With wet or oily hands form the mixture into burgers (they are sticky) and refrigerate  them for about 2 hours at least. If you have the time, leave them overnight.

In a pan over medium heat, heat 1 tbsp of olive oil, and add the burgers, cooking them for about 2-4 minutes on each side, until crispy and cooked through.

New Album (week1 recordings)part 2

Well today was Marshs last chance in the studio. He had been told to be there for 11Am but as usual he was late, but this time it wasn’t Rocksey who was waiting for Marsh it was Senor Penguino ! ! ! ! . Penguino could be tolerant and forgiving but Marshs escapades this week had erased all forgiveness from Penguinos mind. Penguino was sat in the studio lights on in the recording booth and only one spotlight on the recording desk in the studio. He twirled a pencil in his fingers awaiting Marsh, muttering to himself “I knew this was a bad idea”


Finally 45 minutes late the door burst open and in fell Marsh, “you’ve been drinking again” Penguinos voice coming out of all the monitors in this studio “NO” was Marshs response…  Right then lets do take 1 “92 in the shade” you’re ready “yes” was the response. It wasn’t long before they were on take 18 Marsh was fumbling and missing beats left right and centre (strange as he can play the piano) Penguino was now shouting at Marsh like a drill sergeant major. To which Marsh was impervious, he thought things were going great and that they had completed 4 songs already.

Ten Minute break Penguino announced, he got out of his chair and left the studio. Marsh saw the door open and close and immediately opened the music bag he had brought in with him. Now sitting in the corner of the studio Marsh opened his first can of lager and a bottle of white wine, gulping from both one after another Marsh could feel the cool liquid settling his nerves, unfortunately Marsh isn’t a person who know when to stop and unfortunately Penguinos 10 minutes were actually 35. By the time Penguino returned to the studio Marsh had drank 3 bottles of wine 5 cans of lager and 1/4 bottle of gin.! !  ! ! And to anyone looking it seemed all the bones from Marshs body had been removed as he now resemble Mr Wobble.

Penguino found Marsh curled up behind the drum kit phone in hand calling home the line was connected but just the answerphone bleeps could be heard (Melody was still in the US “Thats it” Penguino shouted his words even managed to echo in the sound deadened room, and summoning help loaded Marsh into a car with his teeny tiny suitcase and passport and drive him to the airport. On the 3 hour drive to the airport  Penguino had managed to book a flight , load the app on Marshes phone and download the boarding card.


Penguino knew Marsh wouldn’t look so wrote the flight number on Marshes hand and arranged for someone to get him to the boarding gate and on the plane. By the time they had reached the airport Marsh had come round Penguino said “all recorded” Marsh smiled self congratulating himself  for a job well done. Marsh boarded the flight without even looking at the destination helped by the assistance Penguino organised (Penguino didn’t want Marsh missing the plane) and sat back in his chair and relaxed knowing soon he could endulge in his favourite Gin & Tonics.

Penguino was on the phone to Rocksey ” he’s gone and on a plane we got nothing complete he’d been on the booze again” Rocksey replied “ok ok you were correct” i’ll see you in 6 days when I get back from the States. SP was off to meet  a hero of his John5 in LA and hopefully to wow him with his guitar handiwork – Rocksey had also wanted to go on this trip but as Kitten was due at the villa any time now he felt he couldn’t just up and leave especially with the chaos that Marsh had left behind – Rocksey most definitely didn’t want Kitten to think he had been on the beer all week!!


Marshs flight touched down on a dull drizzly night and he trudged towards passport control, straight through and to the awaiting drivers, There was his name on the board and he dutifully followed the driver. Marsh didn’t pay any attention to where they were going until they pulled up and Marsh read the sign, his worst nightmare had come true he’d been booked into rehab. The car door opened and two male orderlys escorted Marsh into the centre and to his room. Marsh head in hands it had come to this as he reached into his travel bag and pulled out a 6 pack of lager sipping from the 1st can he wondered how much it would cost to bribe the orderly to keep him supplied……..

New album (week 1 recordings) part 1 

Well the first week of recordings went better Than could have been expected, with the sunshine, beer, beach close at hand. Rocksey had put the guide vocals down, and as per usual these had no resemblance to what the final takes would be. Rocksey as per normal put no effort or feelings into them and as per usual stated they wont be used and NO ONE will ever hear them. Penguino had spent the rest of the week putting down guitar and bass tracks and ignoring Marshs request to allow him to put one bass track down. Penguino being rather kind I thought told Marsh ” I would sooner let a squashed Baboon put a bass track than let you loose on one of the tracks” this just seemed to bounce off Marsh as he told Rocksey, Penguino was thinking about letting him loose.

Drums down, bass guitar down , lead and rhythm done just the solos to complete. And a Banjo track that Penguino wanted to put on 92 In The Shade. Marsh could be seen skuttling about a bit like a Orc in the darkened corners of the building, drinking from a bottle of red wine and carrying his tambourine (Rockseys tambourine really) waiting for his turn. Marshs first attemp ended in a utter disaster as he couldnt keep time even with the simplest beat. Penguino had stormed out after 3 hours of listening to Marshs attempts. Rocksey gave up a couple of hours later and left marsh trying to keep time with no one listening or recording just the one light left switched on in the mixing room keeping Marsh company.

Well 5 days had passed since Marshs last attempt and he was under strict orders “NO DRINKING” nothing alcoholic from dawn until he was finished in the studio. Penguino told Rocksey you have no chance he’ll be drunk before 10AM and he don’t get up till 9AM. One last chance that’s it “I told him he could appear on the album”  – (Marsh has been in many bands but never had a real release) “Your wasting valuable time Penguino shouted “I could bring my pet lizard and we would get things done quicker” “one last chance Rocksey shouted back”

Rocksey sent out the word Marsh was required, the time now was 11AM Marsh hadn’t been seen all morning, then just like the shop keeper in Mr Ben, He appeared ! ! ! ! ! 


BEER IN HAND and a idiots grin spread across his sunburnt face. “What did I tell you No BEER”, I’m ok Marsh replied his words sliding out of the corner of his mouth dribbling down his chin and bouncing off the empty wine bottles in his pockets. “Get out ” Rocksey shouted if Penguino see you you’ll be out of the house and sent back to the UK. Marsh disappeared post haste the sound of bottles and cans echoing as he sped down the hall. Rocksey thought it sounded like santas sleigh and had a wry smile. Picking up the tambourine Rocksey said to the engineer “lets get through the first 4 tracks and NOT a word to Penguino ”

Rocksey had the tracks done in 2 hours and went hunting the elusive (orc) Marsh ! ! ! !

Marsh where are you, marsh had taken refuge in his favourite wardrobe surrounded by his favourite wines and was chatting away to them like they were all listening “there hunting us my precious, I won’t let them take you” the sound of Rockseys calls soon faded and Marsh curled up with his new friends and drifted off dreaming of a land where rivers were wine, seas were beer and all food tasted of burgers…. TO BE CONTINUED 

Cold towels and Vegan Snacks

pablo-fest1

Rocksey has returned home from the UK leg of his current Festival tour under his latest pseudonym –  the very private, shy and retiring Chilean Artist Pablo Mercedes. This latest name change had come about after I had mistakenly thought a very very (and I definitely emphasis the double very here) heavy thrash metal band was actually a rather cool sounding reggae band (due to their Rootsy’ name) and booked them for a chilled out Birthday event for The Baron and Dreads who horrified at the screeching vocals from this Brazilian thrash metal singer got into the camper van and headed south as fast as they could. Rocksey and Max Millionaire had laughed so much at my gaff that they decided that Rocksey could get away with sounding himself like a chilled South American dude with a guitar when the reality is something completely different.

However, the gaff proved to be a resounding success, as Pablo Mercedes and his Spanish sounding sidekick SP (never one to change his name or appearance) hit the festival road touring alongside the likes of Rob Zombie and gained a few more thousand fans along the way.

When returning home from any kind of gig Rocksey is usually in need of complete peace and quiet. He would normally spend a few days lying down in a darkened room with a cold towel over his head, muttering about how much his legs and back ached and would only come out at the dead of night to rummage around in the fridge for vegan snacks. This time round though I opened the door to a completely different man. Kitten he yelled sweeping me off my feet and spinning me round before planting a soggy wet kiss on my lips, he bounded into the kitchen, throwing open the American fridge and cramming a handful of garden picked strawberries into his mouth . Before I could even ask ‘how did it go?’, his mobile phone rang and he strode off towards the studio shouting loudly into the phone  ‘you have to get round here Marsh, now! We need to sort this out!!’

Footsteps in the hallway alerted me to the fact that Rocksey had not come home alone. Behind him was a very bedraggled ToxicTrash Keg almost bowed double with the rucksack on her back and her arms filled with plastic carrier bags. He made me carry all the stuff she yelped and sat down on a heap in the hallway – I need a bath I’m so tired and dirty she started to cry.

A few hours later, TTK has recovered from being the Human Donkey and had gone out with her Rock DJ squeeze to bathe in the deflected light of the new Rock God phenomena Pablo Mercedes was actually HER DAD. Pablo/Rocksey had not emerged from the studio and I was now very tired of binge watching Ghost Asylum I decided that I could no longer wait to see what Rocksey needed Marsh NOW for and desperate to hear the latest gossip from the Festival scene  I walked down the hall to the studio with a bowl of vegan snacks and a cold towel.  Although the light was on, it was eerily quiet.

Peaking through the door expecting all sorts of Rock God shit going on, Rocksey was asleep in the chair, jeans rolled up, socks and boots neatly by the side of the chair his feet in a bucket of ( what would now be cold) water. Marsh was nowhere to be seen but it was apparent that he had been at the studio as there was a teeny tiny suitcase open on the floor with one trainer sitting on top what looked like a hell of a lot of neatly folded band T Shirts. What on earth is going on I muttered quietly to myself not wanting to wake Rocksey I tiptoed over to the mixing desk where Rockseys phone lay blinking a green message light –  nudging it back to life there was the message from Marsh which must have prompted Rockseys outburst earlier – can’t get my trainers in to my suitcase – it read – can’t go to the villa – nightmare.

I half turned to catch Rocksey looking quizzically at me – what’s going on?  I asked holding the phone towards him. Rocksey laughed loudly –  I told Marsh he could come to the villa with myself and SP next week to finish recording Pablos new album but he could only take hand luggage, you know what he’s like he can’t go anywhere without his full set of Louis Vuittons  –  anyway I’ve sorted it out for him – he nodded at the teeny tiny suitcase ( which I then recognised as one of ours) and everythings packed but he’s gone off in a strop now saying he’s going to have a heart attack.

I looked back down at the suitcase and then turned again to Rocksey to ask about the tour but Rocksey had the cold towel over his head and his hand in a bowl of Vegan snacks…… ( to be continued)

pablo-fest2

PASSPORT REQUIRED

IMG_1937

Well Marsh had decided to visit his old mucker Hutch. Now hutch had been Marshe’s best Buddy back in the day and many a tale could be told about there antics, but today I’ll stick to this visit.

A brief background on Hutch first. Hutch had always seen himself as an aspiring author and after his big win on the lottery he’d moved to the Isle of Wight in a large house overlooking the marina. To keep his eye on his yacht we all thought. Now we all laughed about Hutch writing because he had the mastery of English grammar the same as an Assyrian Goat herder. But 5 successful books down the line it was Hutch who was laughing, but i digress.

Now when Marsh was organising this trip Hutch informed him that due to heightened security Marsh would and I quote “need his passport Euros and vaccination card”. Now this had marsh in a panic and the rest of us in fits of laughter .Marsh claimed that because the Isle of Wight wasnt connected to the mainland it wasnt part of the UK, (intelligence never a strong point with Marsh) and he visited a stunned doctor to get his shots before travel.

On arrival Hutch had the day/evening all planned, they would start on Hutches yacht before hitting the harbour bars where Hutch was well known for drinking till the sun came up. When seated on the deck of the yacht hutch brought Marsh a couple of bottles of sol “Cheers matey” this is going to be a long night. This is what Marsh had been dreading, he had hoped hutch had mellowed over all the years but NO Hutch was as loud and in your face as ever about the same as a shell fired from a Tiger 2 tank. “There’s no limes in my sol” shouted Marsh “I don’t do fruit in my drinks” was Hutch’s response. if you want fruit go to one of them poncey wine bars and have a cocktail, we’ll start on the beers and progress as the night goes on .

Two bars later and 4 beers later Marsh thought (as per usual) he could take on the world and how he was also the winner of strictly come dancing, showing off his moves to the latest Tinie tempah song, he looked more like Bambi on Ice.

Hutch turned to look out over the harbour only to hear a loud thud behind him, spinning around he saw NOTHING ! ! ! Until his eyes dropped to floor level there was MArsh in his normal position unconscious and drunk as a skunk.

Hutch summoned the bar staff to drag Marsh into the back room to sleep his 2 bottles and 4 small beers off while Hutch would as per normal continue the party till the early hours. NOTHING will ever change with hard drinking Marsh Nothing will change Hutch thought to himself as he watched the sun sink below the horizon while sipping another whiskey…

IMG_1938

“THE BIG MATCH”

lcfc3

Well before you all ask who when where…. It was last night and the English Premier league Champions Leicester city Took on Sevilla for a place in the last eight of the champions league.

Rocksey had invited Marsh to the ground to watch the game as Rocksey knew Marsh was a life long fan and normally watched from the stands, but this time Rocksey was taking him to a Private Box with Beer, Food and a view to die for.

Rocksey & Marsh arrive 2 hours before the game, which is quite normal as there is the meal, tour and beer to drink before kick off. Now marsh is into gambling and will bet on anything Rocksey dabbles but isn’t that interested really. As they arrive at the ground Marsh says “I’ll bet ya Vardy scores tonight” Rocksey just ignores this opening gambit from Marsh and carries on walking towards the held open door, beckoning to Marsh to hurry up.

Sitting down in the private box Marsh shouts “bet she’s a blond” WHAT !! !! responds Rocksey, the waitress says Marsh “I bet she’s a blond”, now Rocksey know that the waitress for this box is a brunette, and decides this could be fun. Ok he says but no money just a drink on each bet “YOUR ON” shouts marsh as his whole face lights up like a child on christmas morning, and yes when the waitress come in she is a brunette, your drink Marsh as Rocksey hands him a rather large JD and Coke, thinking if he see the whole game out it will be a miracle.

Kick off arrives and its a bit tense and a bit niggley with lots of fouls in the game. The next bet from Marsh was the next team to foul and of course Marsh chose Seville and yes it was Leicester so another drink was handed to Marsh, and so this went on until half time with Marsh’s bets getting more and more obscure and weird.  Now marsh was losing the bets about two to one and Marsh isnt know for big drinking and was looking a bit worse for wear when Rocksey suggested a bet “Vardey Not to score” now Marsh is a big Vardey fan and as City were the dominant team and up 1 – 0 he said yes “but well increase the stakes a TUMBLER FULL OF JD” and your on. well the match went on and yes City scored again and no more bets were placed. Schmeichel saved a PENALTY. Only 2 Minutes left and Rocksey sunk his head in his hands Vardey through only the Goal Keeper to Beat Marsdh was bouncing around the Room like an over active child on SPEED,” GO ON GO ON” he yelled score and with that Vardey pulled the trigger and the ball soared high and wide of the goal, Marsh collapsed to his knees and Rocksey now was the powerball jumping pointing and shouting “DRINK DRINK DRINK”

Now Marsh isnt one to welsh from a bet and reluctantly takes the glass in both hands sniffs the drink then in one its gone .

The Game finishes and Leicester 2 – 0 Sevilla, Leicester are through to the last eight in the champions league Marsh is still standing much to the AMAZEMENT of Rocksey and they both set forth for the exit.Rocksey still cannot belive that Marsh is walking, talking and seeming as normal as Marsh ever could. Now doubting that is was JD in the glass, But Rocksey poured the drink and sat it on the table and was sure it couldnt have been switched, He just shrugged his shoulders and thought Marsh at last can drink like the rest of us he’s become one of the group the Percussion player the tambourine man a party animal.

lcfc1

Again the door is opened for them and out into the cold night air they walked Rocksey talking to Marsh, after a few steps Rocksey realised that it was strangely quiet and turning swiftly around he saw this

Marsh flat-out on a bench Now this was the Marsh Rocksey Knew pissed as a fart, Unable to stand, asleep in the street,” Welcome back Marsh welcome back” he said.

lcfc2