Escape to “Billy Smarts” 

Well Marsh had been in rehab now for three days and he was crawling up the walls, no ALCOHOL at all and none of the the staff were paying any attention to his pleas and begging. Even the promise of untold riches didn’t alter the staffs attitude. Marsh realised his only chance was escape but how ?. As Marsh was a fee paying patient (Melody was paying) he could come and go within the grounds of the centre as he liked until lock down at 7pm.

Marsh had scouted out all the perimeter of the centre and all the walls were far too high and well lit past dusk, so another plan needed to be hatched. Marsh had recently watched “some like it hot” and realised a disguise was the way forward. So using his best clouseau detective mind he set about the task, unfortunately for Marsh the only store cupboard he could find open was the nurses uniform cupboard(female), fortunately Marsh had never been described as stocky or well built and soon he found a uniform that would fit. This he bundled inside his cardigan and scurried back to his room. If you had the chance to see him you would have only described him as a pregnant George Clooney (his likeness claim not mine) with arthritic hips dashing along a well lit corridor. Next make up he thought , well there was an old soak 3 rooms down that never locked her door and was always made up to the nines, Marsh was sure someone came in every day to do her makeup as it was always perfect and her hands shook uncontrollably.

Marshs next sauté was to the soaks room and soon he was scurrying back to his rook laden with estee lauder and Chanel makeup. Now according to Marsh he had never worn makeup but everyone had seen his Adam & the Ants/new romantic pictures where he was made up like a pantomime dame. There was no time to worry so Marsh sat himself in front of the mirror and started 1st poking himself in the eye with the pencil liner, 2nd foundation too much and spending the next 2 hours sneezing, 3rd lipstick which had him more looking like the joker than a woman, and last blusher which was applied in the same thickness as the double yellow lines on the road.

 

This was it now or never Marsh hitched up his skirt and made for the door, people were leaving and the door was open as he approached when just 10mtrs away Marsh made a mad sprint knocking people sideways as he sped towards the door , made it and off down the path he sprinted. (What he didn’t know was he was being released this same day anyway) the staff just watched as this deranged he/she nurse careered down the drive and straight into the nearest pub. 10 minutes later and 3 pints Marsh now had to make good his escape. Noticing there was a large event down the road Marsh scuttled down and took a look. A circus what luck he exclaimed, Marsh thought he could hide out there for a few hours until the search party had given up (there never was or would be a search party).

Marsh entered the big top through the back door and the instant he entered the head clown Mrs Spare Part cornered him “your late you know tonight routine” get ready. Marsh taken aback stuttered and mumbled but head clown Spare Parrt barked the orders at his and Marsh sloped off to join the other clowns. fortunately for Marsh he was to play the DRUNK so as he had consumed 3 pints he performance should be convincing. 10 Minutes later with a foot squarely in his back Marsh was launched into the ring followed by 5 other clowns all armed with custard pies all destined for Marsh.

The performance was soon over and Spare Part came over and congratulated Marsh on his realistic performance ” you will be staying for the tour ?” Marsh still convinced that there would be search parties out for him agreed without hesitation. “Great ” said Spare Part you caravan is over there. Marsh slumped back on the sofa in his van via a call at the bar,arms laden with booze and self congratulated himself, “who would have believed it me a clown” Now everyone who know Marsh thought of him as a clown but maybe this was his true vocation in life. 

A life on the stage and being told what to do by a woman Marsh was in heaven. He put his feet up and cracked open another can, Marsh began singing “Hi Diddly Dee A Circus Life For ME” and a tour wait till Rocksey & Penguino find out this will blow them away, Clown this week Circus Master within a month Marsh assured himself …… we will see we will see ! ! ! ! ! 

Human Food (for insects)

Rocksey and Penguino returned from a night out in Malaga. Penguino knawing on what Rocksey said was half of a sheep leg Rocksey chewing on a celery stick, ( as this was what penguino had said was all he could eat from the kebab shop they had visited(now Rocksey was trying out a vegan lifestyle) before returning to the studio/house.

On entering the building both stopped dead and listened, in the distance there was a faint swish swish spray yelp sound and various high pitched screams and curses. Both Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other shrugged and headed to the kitchen, threw open the American fridge doors and retrieved a bottle of JD (Rocksey could still drink this)  and a bucket of ice. Both friends settled down on the terrace and chatted about the album.

Penguino again said”What is that noise” Rocksey shrugged. Both friends clinked glasses and carried on where they had left off. Penguino retrieved his guitar and began to make it sing, the sound was more akin to a songbird than a guitar again Rocksey shook his head in disbelief and just watched.

Abruptly Penguino stopped “I’ve got to find out what that noise is”. Penguino and Rocksey set off to track the swish swish yelp scream spray spray sound down. “What do you think it is” Rocksey enquired ?” Penguino replied “as long as its not Marsh with one of my guitars i’m not to concerned” 

The noise was getting louder and louder now, Penguino stopped dead “it is him it is him he’s dead if its one of my guitars” Rocksey pointed out when they last saw Marsh, Penguino had launched him out of the studio, and left him in a drunken heap then he double locked the door so he couldn’t get in, anywhere near to his guitars.

Opon opening the door to Marshe’s room the two friends stopped dead. There in his white Y fronts was Marsh fly swotter  in one hand spray in his other. It looked like he was sword fencing multiple invisible opponents and engaging in chemical warfare at the same time, and the opponents were winning. Swish Swish spray spray scream yelp swish, Marsh was now polka dot from head to tow, red blotches on his lilly white milk coloured skin, where it was now apparent he had become dinner for countless mosquitoes and still was main course judging by his frantic fencing actions. Rocksey and Penguino looked at each other “shall we help him” Rocksey asked Penguino replied “why” “with you being vegan now you cant kill a living thing so it would be wrong for you, and I cant bebothered” 

Both friends closed the door and  returned to the terrace, Penguino asked Rocksey “can you die from loss of blood due to mosquito bites ?” We will find out soon enough we will find out soon enough. Another clink of glasses and more sweet guitar tunes cane from the terrace, in the distance the same swish swish scream yelp sounds echoed into the distance. Penguino muttered ” do you think the mosquitoes are going to kill him tonight” as his solo bounced off the the ceiling and resounded around the terrace, “No, oh well at least its not us” Rocksey replied. Both laughed and dropped more ice into their now empty glasses filled them and carried on chatting……. swish swish spray yelp scream yelp swish echoed into the distance Marsh was losing the battle. At least he wont look like Mr Milk bottle tomorrow Rocksey announced Penguino added if there is a tomorrow for him .

Cold towels and Vegan Snacks

pablo-fest1

Rocksey has returned home from the UK leg of his current Festival tour under his latest pseudonym –  the very private, shy and retiring Chilean Artist Pablo Mercedes. This latest name change had come about after I had mistakenly thought a very very (and I definitely emphasis the double very here) heavy thrash metal band was actually a rather cool sounding reggae band (due to their Rootsy’ name) and booked them for a chilled out Birthday event for The Baron and Dreads who horrified at the screeching vocals from this Brazilian thrash metal singer got into the camper van and headed south as fast as they could. Rocksey and Max Millionaire had laughed so much at my gaff that they decided that Rocksey could get away with sounding himself like a chilled South American dude with a guitar when the reality is something completely different.

However, the gaff proved to be a resounding success, as Pablo Mercedes and his Spanish sounding sidekick SP (never one to change his name or appearance) hit the festival road touring alongside the likes of Rob Zombie and gained a few more thousand fans along the way.

When returning home from any kind of gig Rocksey is usually in need of complete peace and quiet. He would normally spend a few days lying down in a darkened room with a cold towel over his head, muttering about how much his legs and back ached and would only come out at the dead of night to rummage around in the fridge for vegan snacks. This time round though I opened the door to a completely different man. Kitten he yelled sweeping me off my feet and spinning me round before planting a soggy wet kiss on my lips, he bounded into the kitchen, throwing open the American fridge and cramming a handful of garden picked strawberries into his mouth . Before I could even ask ‘how did it go?’, his mobile phone rang and he strode off towards the studio shouting loudly into the phone  ‘you have to get round here Marsh, now! We need to sort this out!!’

Footsteps in the hallway alerted me to the fact that Rocksey had not come home alone. Behind him was a very bedraggled ToxicTrash Keg almost bowed double with the rucksack on her back and her arms filled with plastic carrier bags. He made me carry all the stuff she yelped and sat down on a heap in the hallway – I need a bath I’m so tired and dirty she started to cry.

A few hours later, TTK has recovered from being the Human Donkey and had gone out with her Rock DJ squeeze to bathe in the deflected light of the new Rock God phenomena Pablo Mercedes was actually HER DAD. Pablo/Rocksey had not emerged from the studio and I was now very tired of binge watching Ghost Asylum I decided that I could no longer wait to see what Rocksey needed Marsh NOW for and desperate to hear the latest gossip from the Festival scene  I walked down the hall to the studio with a bowl of vegan snacks and a cold towel.  Although the light was on, it was eerily quiet.

Peaking through the door expecting all sorts of Rock God shit going on, Rocksey was asleep in the chair, jeans rolled up, socks and boots neatly by the side of the chair his feet in a bucket of ( what would now be cold) water. Marsh was nowhere to be seen but it was apparent that he had been at the studio as there was a teeny tiny suitcase open on the floor with one trainer sitting on top what looked like a hell of a lot of neatly folded band T Shirts. What on earth is going on I muttered quietly to myself not wanting to wake Rocksey I tiptoed over to the mixing desk where Rockseys phone lay blinking a green message light –  nudging it back to life there was the message from Marsh which must have prompted Rockseys outburst earlier – can’t get my trainers in to my suitcase – it read – can’t go to the villa – nightmare.

I half turned to catch Rocksey looking quizzically at me – what’s going on?  I asked holding the phone towards him. Rocksey laughed loudly –  I told Marsh he could come to the villa with myself and SP next week to finish recording Pablos new album but he could only take hand luggage, you know what he’s like he can’t go anywhere without his full set of Louis Vuittons  –  anyway I’ve sorted it out for him – he nodded at the teeny tiny suitcase ( which I then recognised as one of ours) and everythings packed but he’s gone off in a strop now saying he’s going to have a heart attack.

I looked back down at the suitcase and then turned again to Rocksey to ask about the tour but Rocksey had the cold towel over his head and his hand in a bowl of Vegan snacks…… ( to be continued)

pablo-fest2