Escape to “Billy Smarts” 

Well Marsh had been in rehab now for three days and he was crawling up the walls, no ALCOHOL at all and none of the the staff were paying any attention to his pleas and begging. Even the promise of untold riches didn’t alter the staffs attitude. Marsh realised his only chance was escape but how ?. As Marsh was a fee paying patient (Melody was paying) he could come and go within the grounds of the centre as he liked until lock down at 7pm.

Marsh had scouted out all the perimeter of the centre and all the walls were far too high and well lit past dusk, so another plan needed to be hatched. Marsh had recently watched “some like it hot” and realised a disguise was the way forward. So using his best clouseau detective mind he set about the task, unfortunately for Marsh the only store cupboard he could find open was the nurses uniform cupboard(female), fortunately Marsh had never been described as stocky or well built and soon he found a uniform that would fit. This he bundled inside his cardigan and scurried back to his room. If you had the chance to see him you would have only described him as a pregnant George Clooney (his likeness claim not mine) with arthritic hips dashing along a well lit corridor. Next make up he thought , well there was an old soak 3 rooms down that never locked her door and was always made up to the nines, Marsh was sure someone came in every day to do her makeup as it was always perfect and her hands shook uncontrollably.

Marshs next sauté was to the soaks room and soon he was scurrying back to his rook laden with estee lauder and Chanel makeup. Now according to Marsh he had never worn makeup but everyone had seen his Adam & the Ants/new romantic pictures where he was made up like a pantomime dame. There was no time to worry so Marsh sat himself in front of the mirror and started 1st poking himself in the eye with the pencil liner, 2nd foundation too much and spending the next 2 hours sneezing, 3rd lipstick which had him more looking like the joker than a woman, and last blusher which was applied in the same thickness as the double yellow lines on the road.

 

This was it now or never Marsh hitched up his skirt and made for the door, people were leaving and the door was open as he approached when just 10mtrs away Marsh made a mad sprint knocking people sideways as he sped towards the door , made it and off down the path he sprinted. (What he didn’t know was he was being released this same day anyway) the staff just watched as this deranged he/she nurse careered down the drive and straight into the nearest pub. 10 minutes later and 3 pints Marsh now had to make good his escape. Noticing there was a large event down the road Marsh scuttled down and took a look. A circus what luck he exclaimed, Marsh thought he could hide out there for a few hours until the search party had given up (there never was or would be a search party).

Marsh entered the big top through the back door and the instant he entered the head clown Mrs Spare Part cornered him “your late you know tonight routine” get ready. Marsh taken aback stuttered and mumbled but head clown Spare Parrt barked the orders at his and Marsh sloped off to join the other clowns. fortunately for Marsh he was to play the DRUNK so as he had consumed 3 pints he performance should be convincing. 10 Minutes later with a foot squarely in his back Marsh was launched into the ring followed by 5 other clowns all armed with custard pies all destined for Marsh.

The performance was soon over and Spare Part came over and congratulated Marsh on his realistic performance ” you will be staying for the tour ?” Marsh still convinced that there would be search parties out for him agreed without hesitation. “Great ” said Spare Part you caravan is over there. Marsh slumped back on the sofa in his van via a call at the bar,arms laden with booze and self congratulated himself, “who would have believed it me a clown” Now everyone who know Marsh thought of him as a clown but maybe this was his true vocation in life. 

A life on the stage and being told what to do by a woman Marsh was in heaven. He put his feet up and cracked open another can, Marsh began singing “Hi Diddly Dee A Circus Life For ME” and a tour wait till Rocksey & Penguino find out this will blow them away, Clown this week Circus Master within a month Marsh assured himself …… we will see we will see ! ! ! ! ! 

Vegan Zombie 

Well Rocksey had been at Robs now for 3 days and was getting used to the vegan life and thought that it was time to repay their generosity and cook something for Rob and Sherri.

ROcksey had been following “cookthebeans.blog” a vegan cook for weeks now and decided to cook them a beetroot and red quinoa burger . After only 20 minutes prep Rocksey was ready to cook.

Now cooking isn’t anything new to rocksey but this time his hands were visibly shaking. Nervous was an understatement “here we go he thought ”

The oven was pre hearted and the burgers made, rocksey had made his own mixed salad with a lemon vinegarette dressing.

The burgers were fried for approx 2 minutes a side and all was ready.

40minutes later Zombie stood up and slapped Rocksey on his back “Welcome to the family welcome to the family” that was truly delicious. Even if you had tried I don’t think you could have wiped the smile off Rockseys face.

Rocksey was on the phone to kitten as soon as he returned to his room “they loved it “”dinner”  and even I thought it was great.

I have posted the RECIPE BELOW 

Please check out “COOKTHEBEANS.BLOG” FOR MORE STUNNING VEGAN FOOD RECIPE’S – SHE’S FANTASTIC 

This Vegan Burger is probably one of my favourites, hope you like it to.

 • 2 cups of peeled, roasted, chopped beets

 • 1 cup cooked red quinoa (white is just as fine)

 • 2 tbsp olive oil

 • 3 tbsp ground flaxseeds, soaked in 9 tbsp water

 • 1 onion, finely diced

 • 4 garlic cloves, crushed

 • 1/2 cup of chickpeas or rice or oats

 • 2 tbsp lemon juice

 • 2 tbsp soy sauce

 • salt and pepper to taste

 • coriander to taste

 • cumin to taste

 • 1/2 cup finely chopped mushrooms (shitake, baby bella or white button) optional 
Preheat the oven to 200ºC.

Place the chopped beets, the garlic, the onion and the mushrooms rubbed with olive oil, on a parchment paper and let it roast for 20-30 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.

 

In a food processor add all the ingredients, including seasonings. Pulse until combined, without making it to mushy.

With wet or oily hands form the mixture into burgers (they are sticky) and refrigerate  them for about 2 hours at least. If you have the time, leave them overnight.

In a pan over medium heat, heat 1 tbsp of olive oil, and add the burgers, cooking them for about 2-4 minutes on each side, until crispy and cooked through.

New Album (week1 recordings)part 2

Well today was Marshs last chance in the studio. He had been told to be there for 11Am but as usual he was late, but this time it wasn’t Rocksey who was waiting for Marsh it was Senor Penguino ! ! ! ! . Penguino could be tolerant and forgiving but Marshs escapades this week had erased all forgiveness from Penguinos mind. Penguino was sat in the studio lights on in the recording booth and only one spotlight on the recording desk in the studio. He twirled a pencil in his fingers awaiting Marsh, muttering to himself “I knew this was a bad idea”


Finally 45 minutes late the door burst open and in fell Marsh, “you’ve been drinking again” Penguinos voice coming out of all the monitors in this studio “NO” was Marshs response…  Right then lets do take 1 “92 in the shade” you’re ready “yes” was the response. It wasn’t long before they were on take 18 Marsh was fumbling and missing beats left right and centre (strange as he can play the piano) Penguino was now shouting at Marsh like a drill sergeant major. To which Marsh was impervious, he thought things were going great and that they had completed 4 songs already.

Ten Minute break Penguino announced, he got out of his chair and left the studio. Marsh saw the door open and close and immediately opened the music bag he had brought in with him. Now sitting in the corner of the studio Marsh opened his first can of lager and a bottle of white wine, gulping from both one after another Marsh could feel the cool liquid settling his nerves, unfortunately Marsh isn’t a person who know when to stop and unfortunately Penguinos 10 minutes were actually 35. By the time Penguino returned to the studio Marsh had drank 3 bottles of wine 5 cans of lager and 1/4 bottle of gin.! !  ! ! And to anyone looking it seemed all the bones from Marshs body had been removed as he now resemble Mr Wobble.

Penguino found Marsh curled up behind the drum kit phone in hand calling home the line was connected but just the answerphone bleeps could be heard (Melody was still in the US “Thats it” Penguino shouted his words even managed to echo in the sound deadened room, and summoning help loaded Marsh into a car with his teeny tiny suitcase and passport and drive him to the airport. On the 3 hour drive to the airport  Penguino had managed to book a flight , load the app on Marshes phone and download the boarding card.


Penguino knew Marsh wouldn’t look so wrote the flight number on Marshes hand and arranged for someone to get him to the boarding gate and on the plane. By the time they had reached the airport Marsh had come round Penguino said “all recorded” Marsh smiled self congratulating himself  for a job well done. Marsh boarded the flight without even looking at the destination helped by the assistance Penguino organised (Penguino didn’t want Marsh missing the plane) and sat back in his chair and relaxed knowing soon he could endulge in his favourite Gin & Tonics.

Penguino was on the phone to Rocksey ” he’s gone and on a plane we got nothing complete he’d been on the booze again” Rocksey replied “ok ok you were correct” i’ll see you in 6 days when I get back from the States. SP was off to meet  a hero of his John5 in LA and hopefully to wow him with his guitar handiwork – Rocksey had also wanted to go on this trip but as Kitten was due at the villa any time now he felt he couldn’t just up and leave especially with the chaos that Marsh had left behind – Rocksey most definitely didn’t want Kitten to think he had been on the beer all week!!


Marshs flight touched down on a dull drizzly night and he trudged towards passport control, straight through and to the awaiting drivers, There was his name on the board and he dutifully followed the driver. Marsh didn’t pay any attention to where they were going until they pulled up and Marsh read the sign, his worst nightmare had come true he’d been booked into rehab. The car door opened and two male orderlys escorted Marsh into the centre and to his room. Marsh head in hands it had come to this as he reached into his travel bag and pulled out a 6 pack of lager sipping from the 1st can he wondered how much it would cost to bribe the orderly to keep him supplied……..

Simple Pleasures 

Waving  Rocksey off last Friday I started my week alone with the best intentions. I would get up earlier, work out properly, eat healthily, visit my parents, weed the garden, keep on top of the housework etc etc and then be on tip top form for when I flew out the following weekend ready for my much deserved break in the Spanish sunshine.

Well you know what they say about best laid plans…… With the country in the grips of a Heatwave  -this is a loose term , in actuality it means 5  continuous days of blistering heat ( the papers proudly proclaim that this has been  the hottest and longest spell of 32C heat since ( would you believe it) 1976)-  it is England btw – we don’t have much in the way of Summer here and definitely not over 5 consecutive days!  It was too hot to work out, too hot to do any productive or meaningful work as the office basically became a place to position yourself in front of a fan and hope that someone would bring in ice lollies to relived the relentless heat, whilst evenings were spent sitting in the garden with one or two glasses of cold white wine with the cat whiling away the hours talking to Rocksey and listening to what the three musketeers were getting up to (I have allowed him to guest blog on here – you probably can tell the difference in the style of writing and the content – I don’t think I could find enough interesting things to write about Marsh and  his degenerative downward spiral into what seems to be alcoholism).   So apart from actually visiting my parents for a couple of hours on Thursday, the remainder of my ‘to do’ list has not been ticked off.

So what on earth will I write about in this blog? Well spending 7 days ( and nights) alone with no one to worry about can either drive you mad so you fill up the time ( hence the ‘to do’ list) or you slow right down and take advantage of this ‘me’ time. So what did I actually do?

1. Friday evening, Missy and The Baron arrive, we get a taxi into town with the intention to paint the town red – we go for a Curry and a beer, the bars are rammed, we get a taxi home and sit in the garden until 1am. .

2.  Three hours on Saturday morning I spend peering through the viewfinder of my camera taking macro photographs of dragon flies as they performed their mating rituals above the pond  ( when Rocksey is here he can’t sit still, my photography bores him to tears ) with him out of the way I could. –  and did- take about 300 photos  and did not get bored!;

3. Saturday afternoon was  spent ( mostly) at the outdoor shopping mall where Missy amassed a rather huge amount of Sunglasses from Primark for less than £3 a pair. From a distance you would not be able to tell the difference between Primarni specials and the latest from Prada ( although I doubt your eyes would thank you if you were going to actually wear them as eye protection from the sun!)

4.  Saturday night was spent curled up on the sofa with said children, pizza ( this was a homemade vegan offering though) and a box of Malteasers  watching an omnibus of Love Island ( Rocksey would just NOT watch this programme, I tried to resist I really did but somehow……)

 5. Sunday afternoon was spent lying on a hammock listening to the music of my Youth, marvelling at the beauty of the June garden and not worrying about the weeds poking up through the flagstones on the patio;

6.  Mon-Thursday day time. –  spent days at work drinking copious amounts of cold brew green tea and water ( healthy living. – tick) and ice lollies ( they were fruit flavoured – healthy living. –  tick), girls in the office go mad for my new Valentino studded gladiator sandals , lunch time dash to Primarni and said girls in the office all wearing £8 copies evenings – as aforementioned, sat on the patio with cat and white wine until the house cooled down sufficiently to ( coughs) watch Love Island.

7. Friday AM –  spent the morning frantically packing and re-packing teeny tiny suitcase listening to the rain hammering on the windows ( British summer over) and trying desperately to recall what to wear in 37C heat ( as little as possible and Factor 50 ), Mrs Rocksey arrives to take over Rocksey Towers whilst we are away and Suki chauffeurs me to the airport in her new Aston Martin. We discuss Love Island!

8. All the bits in between, catching up with Melody and Suki with long phone calls ( transatlantic for Melody as she was still in the US ) and ( clears throat) watching  and discussing Love Island ( I am informed by the girls in the office that there is an App….An APP!!!!  – resistance is futile – I’m on the App Store as we speak  – Send a WhatsApp  message to Missy to see if she is aware of this –  she is, she has it and is browsing whilst we speak). 

Now: got through customs at airport and spent leisurely hour in the Duty Free buying perfume, proper sunglasses ( sorry Missy, your best efforts to encourage me to wear 5 dollar sunglasses were never going to work), had make up done at the Smashbox counter ( pure bliss) and nails painted at the OPI bar (sunset strip  – you minx!!) drank a Starbucks Cold Brew Vanilla Bean to use the WIFi to catch up on Instagram and now a large G&T before getting on the flight to be met by Rocksey (sans Marsh and SP) and 4 weeks of well more simple pleasures, getting up late, eating fresh fish, speaking Spanish, lounging by the pool, swimming in the sea etc etc….. the best thing though…..Love Island is being Sky +’d and the week I get back (when Rocksey is still away) I can binge watch without guilt……ahhhh….. simple pleasures!!! ( shhh don’t tell).

New album (week 1 recordings) part 1 

Well the first week of recordings went better Than could have been expected, with the sunshine, beer, beach close at hand. Rocksey had put the guide vocals down, and as per usual these had no resemblance to what the final takes would be. Rocksey as per normal put no effort or feelings into them and as per usual stated they wont be used and NO ONE will ever hear them. Penguino had spent the rest of the week putting down guitar and bass tracks and ignoring Marshs request to allow him to put one bass track down. Penguino being rather kind I thought told Marsh ” I would sooner let a squashed Baboon put a bass track than let you loose on one of the tracks” this just seemed to bounce off Marsh as he told Rocksey, Penguino was thinking about letting him loose.

Drums down, bass guitar down , lead and rhythm done just the solos to complete. And a Banjo track that Penguino wanted to put on 92 In The Shade. Marsh could be seen skuttling about a bit like a Orc in the darkened corners of the building, drinking from a bottle of red wine and carrying his tambourine (Rockseys tambourine really) waiting for his turn. Marshs first attemp ended in a utter disaster as he couldnt keep time even with the simplest beat. Penguino had stormed out after 3 hours of listening to Marshs attempts. Rocksey gave up a couple of hours later and left marsh trying to keep time with no one listening or recording just the one light left switched on in the mixing room keeping Marsh company.

Well 5 days had passed since Marshs last attempt and he was under strict orders “NO DRINKING” nothing alcoholic from dawn until he was finished in the studio. Penguino told Rocksey you have no chance he’ll be drunk before 10AM and he don’t get up till 9AM. One last chance that’s it “I told him he could appear on the album”  – (Marsh has been in many bands but never had a real release) “Your wasting valuable time Penguino shouted “I could bring my pet lizard and we would get things done quicker” “one last chance Rocksey shouted back”

Rocksey sent out the word Marsh was required, the time now was 11AM Marsh hadn’t been seen all morning, then just like the shop keeper in Mr Ben, He appeared ! ! ! ! ! 


BEER IN HAND and a idiots grin spread across his sunburnt face. “What did I tell you No BEER”, I’m ok Marsh replied his words sliding out of the corner of his mouth dribbling down his chin and bouncing off the empty wine bottles in his pockets. “Get out ” Rocksey shouted if Penguino see you you’ll be out of the house and sent back to the UK. Marsh disappeared post haste the sound of bottles and cans echoing as he sped down the hall. Rocksey thought it sounded like santas sleigh and had a wry smile. Picking up the tambourine Rocksey said to the engineer “lets get through the first 4 tracks and NOT a word to Penguino ”

Rocksey had the tracks done in 2 hours and went hunting the elusive (orc) Marsh ! ! ! !

Marsh where are you, marsh had taken refuge in his favourite wardrobe surrounded by his favourite wines and was chatting away to them like they were all listening “there hunting us my precious, I won’t let them take you” the sound of Rockseys calls soon faded and Marsh curled up with his new friends and drifted off dreaming of a land where rivers were wine, seas were beer and all food tasted of burgers…. TO BE CONTINUED 

Reliving our youth

With Rocksey now reliving his wasted youth in Malaga with his 14 year old ( in spirit mostly) side kicks SP and Marsh  acting like they had been let loose on their first school trip, Melody, Suki and myself had been left to our own devices!! However, this hadn’t meant acting like a provisional Hen party running round town knocking back as many  fluorescent   pink shots as we could before closing time nor had we decided to be a bit up market and spend the day at Spa sipping Champagne, eyeing up the lifeguard no the three of us weren’t even together in person ( although there had been plenty of text messages backwards and forwards during the course of the afternoon). The reason for this , as guardians of 3 hyperactive flawed geniuses, some down time in the guise of complete solitude was needed before Suki and I jetted off to join the party next week . Melody was in Florida  to discuss her new book deal and close the deal on an apartment that had  been owned by Veronica Lake.

I had spent most of the weekend in the company of The Baron and Missy  which had been lovely but as all mums know waving a way their adult off-spring although tinged with sadness also allows you to enjoy the peace and quiet even more – compounded with the absence of Rocksey I was happy to make myself a cup of Bluebird Melon tea ( a gift from Missy which was most welcome) and find a book and a quiet spot in the garden to while away a few hours.

The thing about peace and quiet is that when you crave it you don’t get it and when you finally get it, well the silence is deafening ( you know Rocksey can be quite loud!). Having had 2 phone calls from him and a video and then further requests for vegan ice cream suppliers I decided that if I was going to get some peace and quiet I would have to turn the radio on.

So with an army of cushions, sun screen, sunglasses and a large G&T I slung everything in the hammock in the dappled shade of the middle patio and tuned in for my very favourite radio show –  The Sound of the ’70’s. This is a 2 hour show on a Sunday afternoon which plays….well you’ve guessed it ….music from the1970s. Of course, the large G&T the sway of the hammock and some of my favourite tunes and I dozed off.  Now sleeping in the sun is not a good thing, we’ve all done this, I see that Marsh did it this afternoon on the beach, Suki’s done it, Rocksey says he hasn’t but he fell asleep in the toilets at a Damned concert in 1979 ( and Boy THAT was loud) so I will safely assume he has also fallen asleep in the sun. SP also says he wouldn’t do anything that stupid but he let Rocksey video him twerking in a pair of speedos last summer and so I think that was probably more stupid than falling asleep in the sun…..Anyway I digress, slumbering in the sweltering heat of a June afternoon listening to Boz Skaggs, I was transported back to the summer of 1976 when I was 13. The Summer where the UK sweltered for 6 weeks ( yes I know)  and a plague of ladybirds ate everything in sight. As an awkward  tall skinny teenager I read the likes of teen magazines where Farah Fawcett Majors shone down from every newsstand with her lions mane of hair and sparkling white teeth and the girls from Abba sashayed across the TV every Saturday night. My friends older sisters were going to the Disco with their Afro hair and FFM flicks, platforms and maxi dresses smoking those pink cocktail cigarettes and meeting boys called Steve and Darren who drive ford cortinas and could dance like Les Gray. Oh me and my friends so wanted this glamorous lifestyle and , according to my friend Alison, the way to do this was to ‘GET A TAN’. Now getting a tan was easier said than done in the land locked town where we lived, 200 miles from the nearest beach with its cooling sea breezes. GETTING A TAN meant, that you had to do some pretty hardcore sunbathing in the back garden.Alison’s sister had a tanning mat which looked like a massive sheet of Bacofoil. The idea was we covered ourselves in olive oil ( bought in A teeny bottle from the pharmacy ) and then laid on the Bacofoil mat for 4 hours between the hours of 11-3 without moving . The Beauty page in Jackie said we should squeeze fresh lemons into our hair for natural highlights. –  well as no shop in the 70’s sold lemons we made do with a bottle of PLJ. The Bacofoil mat only  ever succeeded in Alison who was ginger, getting 3rd degree burns and her mother throwing the mat on her dads bonfire where the olive oil residue made it shoot out of the brazier like a flaming rocket setting fire to next doors washing; and for me? Well I would love to say my naturally dark brown hair turned as blonde as the blonde singer in Abba and attracted Steve or Darren’s younger brother but the PLJ made it a sticky mess which only attracted wasps, the Bacofoil just reflected off my blue tinged Persil white skin and did nothing except make me hot, sweaty and bad tempered.Alison and I fell out that summer and I spent the remaining school holidays lying in a sheet attached to the two apple trees in my granddads garden listening to Bos Scaggs and counting ladybirds. 

I woke with a start almost falling out of the hammock, Melody was on the phone from Florida telling me she had secured Veronica Lakes old apartment and the book deal had made her several millions dollars in sales. Now she was celebrating at her gay ex porn star friends villa in the hills where there were several hot body guards and a tray of fluorescent pink shots had just been handed to her. 

A ladybird landed on my knee,  Blondies Denis Denis came on the Radio and I was transported back to 1979 and that fateful meeting with Rocksey……..you know the power of music is surely a great thing ! 

Doctors again ! ! ! !

Well After a few months on tour with the band Marsh thought he only had a few day left on this earth.

Rocksey and Penguins were showing no signs of anything more than a couple of hours in the pub. Marsh, now that’s a completely different story. Double vision, IBS, palpitations rtations, and a shoulder that doesn’t move.

Marsh was booked in to the local health centre for a full check over. Marsh turned up at the centre whiter than Casper the ghost and feeling almost as dead, staggering into the doors and calling out for a wheel chair Marsh collapsed on the floor. Now the staff at the centre were used to Marsh and his monthly visits, everytime there is a disease mentioned on the TV Marsh would google the symptoms and convince himself he has the new incurable disease. Its not that long since he thought he had EBOLA and all it turned out to be was a nettle rash ! ! ! !….

Well the staff helped Marsh into the wheelchair and pushed him into the examination room, leaving him with a glass of water and the latest edition of cosmopolitan .

After a couple of minutes a doctor arrived in the room, “full checkover again ” Marsh just nodded, now convinced he had only minutes before he was knocking at them pearly gates. By now marsh had the strength of a dormouse and could hardly move, so the doctor summoned assistance and Marsh was unceremoniously derobed and placed on the examination table, arms draped over the sides of the table and gasping for breath. After a few tests and blood samples the doctor announced “time to bend over ” now this took Marsh completely by surprise, But th orderly had Marsh in a full arm lock and the Doctor rubber gloved up was moving in. The scream could be heard 4 blocks away.  After 10 minutes Marsh was coaxed down off the top of the filing cabinet and helped into his clothes, sat in the wheelchair and taken to the waiting room.

When the test results came back Marsh’s ailments amounted to frozen shoulder from to much tambourine playing, Abs from trapped wind, irregular heartbeat from to much alcohol, and it turns up the anal exploration was just something the doctor thought would cut down on the visits Marsh made to the surgery.

Marsh was issued bottles of placebo tablets and a diet and drink regime. Issued with an armful of tablets and a sheet of instructions Marsh exited the health centre reassured that he would see at least the year out now. Unfortunately for Marsh the route home passed two or three pubs and as per normal Marsh couldn’t resist calling in for one quick drink, three pints later the Landlord called for a taxi and Marsh was bundled in complete with bottles of tablets and still clutching his diet/drink regime…..  Now Marsh’s smart phone was bleeping, Marsh’s new APP (diseases of the world) had just updated and there was a new infection speeding its way to try and finish off Marsh.