Hablo Español (bigo blacko dogo)

Marsh bounded into the kitchen, where Rocksey and Penguino were eating, “Ive worked it out – it all makes sense now” Marsh blurted, whilst leaving a trail of beer cans, champagne bottle, and red wine bottle behind him. “Worked what out” both friends asked, both looking stunned at the trail of destruction that Marsh was leaving in his wake. The language its easy, sorted, I’m going shopping by myself to prove it as well, “what do we need ?, Rocksey and penguino gave Marsh a list “I wont be needing that just tell me” was his reply. What about the mess you’ve made “I’ll clear it in the morning” (That was Marshs answer for everything)

Marsh sprinted to the door shouting “HASTA LA MEGRA ! ! !” Rocksey looked at Penguino and shrugged, What does that mean penguino asked Rocksey “I have no idea” Rocksey replied. (Rocksey is fluent in Spanish). What do you think he will bring back ? At least the water as we really need that ! ! ! ! .

Somehow Marsh arrived at the supermarket (2 hours after setting off) and its only a 2 mile drive.Bounced across the car park yelping and squealing as he’d forgotten his shoes and the tarmac was almost the temperature of the sun. Marsh always saw himself as a bit of a lewis Hamilton when behind a shopping trolley, so after demolishing the display of tined beans and narrowly avoiding the cooked meats counter, he decided to walk and not run barefooted on a marble floor still not a good idea. Marsh resembled Bambi on ice as he made his way towards the water section, UNFORTUNATLY he had to pass the BEER to get there ! ! ! ! ! . With a trolley now groaning under the weight of the beer cans Marsh(Bambi) opened a can sipped the cool contents and tried to remember what it was he was supposed to get. In a flash he thought he had remembered and staring pushed the over laden trolley towards the salad and vegtables.

This was it Marsh V The Spanish language (HAsta la Megra/poor fav four/buenos nochees/chocolate) he was fluent according to himself. The stunned shop assistant looked at Marsh like he was an alien as Marsh reeled off his entire Spanish vocabulary, nothing making any sense to anyone who may have heard. Marsh decided the assistant must be a bit deaf so reeled off his Spanish again and this time with gestures and three times the volume and spilling beer on a now glass like floor which had Marshs legs going 10 to the dozen just to stand still. Marsh looked like a demented chicken speaking alien and drinking his still unpaid for beer (The shop are YouTubeing  the cctv later today) shouting in a strange Spanish accent and doing charade actions for “I want turkey” (you imagine the scene) ……..

8 hours later that day there was a knock at the door and the supermarket delivery van was outside. “Mr Rocksey” the driver asked “yes” this is yours we believe. The driver opened the back doors of the van and poured Marsh into the hall, Also he bought these, the driver handed Rocksey a box of now completely melted cornettos and defrosted broad beans! ! “The bill is €275 “the driver said. “WHAT” was Rockseys reply “€275 for cornettos and broad beans and we don’t have the contents of the cornettos just a soggy box ? ?. “No thats for the damage he caused and the BEER he drank” Rocksey paid the driver and turned to look at Marsh. he wasn’t there. Marsh had disappeared and neither Rocksey or Penguino could find him.

Penguino said to Rocksey “he’s gotta go he’s gotta go you cant keep letting him off”. “I know “.

Rocksey and Penguino climbed into the car list in hand, “its always easier to do it ourselves” quicker cheaper cleaner and we get what we wanted. As the pair drove off the upstairs curtains twitched as Marsh peeped out Champagne in one hand wine in the other, creeping off to hide in the wardrobe Marsh could be heard congratulating himself on his mastery of the Spanish language,navigation skills,shopping trolley driving and his all round super human ability and not mention his belief that he could drink Oliver Reed under the table. ( marsh couldn’t drink a five year old under the table let alon Oliver Reed)

Back to Reality NOT

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Well the partying couldn’t go on forever, Marsh went back to his part-time directorships Penguino went off to his retreat, Melody and Suki stayed on in Greece to take in the culture they said, more like the wine I thought. Me and Rocksey returned home with nothing planned or so I thought.

After a couple of days lazing around and strumming his guitar (were still on the same song by the way) Rocksey announced “were off” where I squawked back at him. Spain ! !! !  why Spain?. I’ve arranged a few solo gigs there just low-key 20 to 30 people max he said. But you only know 2 songs and neither of them are perfect and you don’t even know all the lyrics to them, you can’t go and humm your way through. I have to admit i was a touch concerned in Rockseys eyes he was a far better guitarist than he actually was and yes he could get away with mumbling the lyrics to his own songs  but not to the classics he was proposing.

Two days later my bags were packed “wheres your bags” I asked Rocksey ?, “here” was the response WHERE I shouted back. Proudly Rocksey showed me his old school satchel “here”. “you’ve got to be joking ” I retorted “no” here is my BAG! !. Well don’t come complaining to me in a few days when you stink and even I wont come within 10 yards of you.

The first few days were just fine hot sunshine, azul blue skies, and great people. Rocksey had surpassed himself with the early organisation and even the first show was good, the people seemed to enjoy it and Rocksey certainly did. “Its far more intense” he said  just me and the people non of that stage show, fireworks and lights this is far better.

it wasn’t long before we had it the south of Spain (an area I knew very well) we’d taken up residence in one of Rockseys Spanish friends villas Rocksey was playing in the local bars and I was just touring around. I’m off to Granada for a few days I told Rocksey, Ok see you when you get back. Now this was unusual Rocksey normally likes to know when and where, who and how when a trip is organised but this time not a question. I have to admit I wasn’t so sure about going now. But off I went “see you in three days I called” “bye have a great time” was the reply. out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Rocksey sprinting out towards the terrace. no time to investige now my driver had turned up and off I went.

Now what happened next is Rockseys version of events so belive what you might.A few phone calls later and Marsh and Penguino were both on their way to meet Rocksey. Rocksey had now realised that his guitar playing wasnt the best and required the silken skills of Penguino but why Marsh that I couldn’t work out.

Man hugs were handed out as soon as Penguino and Marsh arrived and the beers were opened. “whats the plan” Penguino enquired. “latin speaking countries” there’s a massive market out there and together we can take it. Also we start tonight here’s the song list, Rocksey handed the list to Penguing. Penguino looked back at Rocksey and said “is this the right list” yep was the reply. No problem Penguino replied. Senor Penguino could play just about any song and if he couldn’t he could produce a tune which was just as good. When tonight in the harbour was the response a small venue 30 to 40 max  it will be great but before lets clear these beers. Now Marsh perked up at the sound of beer as the temperature was now in the high 30’s. What do I do asked Marsh you’ve got your tambourine like I asked, “yep” dont i need to know what songs and where I play? not really its all by ear Rocksey replied. This had marsh slightly concerned but as another beer had made its way into his hand all worries soon disappeared.

The sweltering day slid into the early evening and Rocksey and Penguino were getting ready Rocksey still living out of his tiny bag and recycling as much as he could. Penguino had borrowed a guitar from the local store, with the proviso he signed the guitar and spent a few hours in the store the following day. Marsh was still laying beside the Pool, Come on marsh were off.

The shout startled Marsh awake and he sprung into action dashing towards the car, you’re not changing he was asked. I’ve got some things in my bag “let’s go”. Rocksey was sat next to Marsh in the car and he could feel the heat coming off Marsh. You going to ne ok tonight he enquired. Unusual for Rocksey to be concerned but Marsh usually was the colour of milk and now he was slowley turning the colour of a tomato.

In through the back door they went. The three Amigos as they had billed themselves bundled themselves towards the stage. Rocksey stopped them and handed Marsh some castanets “what are these” Marsh asked “you’ll need them was the reply and with that the curtains opened Penguino started immediately the crowd loved him straight away slick and professional then Rocksey, not bad by all accounts carrying off LOLA almost note perfect. By now the sun and beer had caught up with Marsh and for the first couple of songs he was great in time and even pushing the song were required, but while Rocksey was doing his inter song chats Marsh kept on having a sip or two from the drinks provided. Rocksye and Penguino sipped water. By the fifth song Marsh seemed to have disappeared Rocksey looked at penguino and Penguino shrugged. Then night drew to a close rapturous applause echoed around the venue as they left the stage. Rocksey announced as they left the stage “clothes shopping tomorrow” I can’t keep wearing the same stuff. Music shop for me tomorrow Penguino replied, he never broke a promise. Marsh would be staying in bed as he was found slumped behind the door between the frame and the toilet. Hard to see as he was now the colour of the tiles and blended in quite well.

The usual words “never again” were uttered by Marsh. Penguino said “he’s not to bad” on percussion is he I might have a gig or two for him when we get back. “just keep him away from the beer” Rocksey said, not even a couple.

The following morning Rocksey and Penguino sat back on the terrace beer in hand betting on what time Marsh would appear, Marsh who had been taken to A&E last night with sunstroke and alcohol poisoning, it appears the drink marsh kept sipping till he started slipping was 80% proof, and the doctor had informed him no alcohol for 5 days and no sun either. What am I supposed to do Marsh asked I’m in Spain and I can’t go in the sun or have a Beer? Penguino and Rocksey full of sympathy shouted back at Marsh “were off to the beach to catch a few rays and a beer or two see ya later”……

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“THE BIG MATCH”

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Well before you all ask who when where…. It was last night and the English Premier league Champions Leicester city Took on Sevilla for a place in the last eight of the champions league.

Rocksey had invited Marsh to the ground to watch the game as Rocksey knew Marsh was a life long fan and normally watched from the stands, but this time Rocksey was taking him to a Private Box with Beer, Food and a view to die for.

Rocksey & Marsh arrive 2 hours before the game, which is quite normal as there is the meal, tour and beer to drink before kick off. Now marsh is into gambling and will bet on anything Rocksey dabbles but isn’t that interested really. As they arrive at the ground Marsh says “I’ll bet ya Vardy scores tonight” Rocksey just ignores this opening gambit from Marsh and carries on walking towards the held open door, beckoning to Marsh to hurry up.

Sitting down in the private box Marsh shouts “bet she’s a blond” WHAT !! !! responds Rocksey, the waitress says Marsh “I bet she’s a blond”, now Rocksey know that the waitress for this box is a brunette, and decides this could be fun. Ok he says but no money just a drink on each bet “YOUR ON” shouts marsh as his whole face lights up like a child on christmas morning, and yes when the waitress come in she is a brunette, your drink Marsh as Rocksey hands him a rather large JD and Coke, thinking if he see the whole game out it will be a miracle.

Kick off arrives and its a bit tense and a bit niggley with lots of fouls in the game. The next bet from Marsh was the next team to foul and of course Marsh chose Seville and yes it was Leicester so another drink was handed to Marsh, and so this went on until half time with Marsh’s bets getting more and more obscure and weird.  Now marsh was losing the bets about two to one and Marsh isnt know for big drinking and was looking a bit worse for wear when Rocksey suggested a bet “Vardey Not to score” now Marsh is a big Vardey fan and as City were the dominant team and up 1 – 0 he said yes “but well increase the stakes a TUMBLER FULL OF JD” and your on. well the match went on and yes City scored again and no more bets were placed. Schmeichel saved a PENALTY. Only 2 Minutes left and Rocksey sunk his head in his hands Vardey through only the Goal Keeper to Beat Marsdh was bouncing around the Room like an over active child on SPEED,” GO ON GO ON” he yelled score and with that Vardey pulled the trigger and the ball soared high and wide of the goal, Marsh collapsed to his knees and Rocksey now was the powerball jumping pointing and shouting “DRINK DRINK DRINK”

Now Marsh isnt one to welsh from a bet and reluctantly takes the glass in both hands sniffs the drink then in one its gone .

The Game finishes and Leicester 2 – 0 Sevilla, Leicester are through to the last eight in the champions league Marsh is still standing much to the AMAZEMENT of Rocksey and they both set forth for the exit.Rocksey still cannot belive that Marsh is walking, talking and seeming as normal as Marsh ever could. Now doubting that is was JD in the glass, But Rocksey poured the drink and sat it on the table and was sure it couldnt have been switched, He just shrugged his shoulders and thought Marsh at last can drink like the rest of us he’s become one of the group the Percussion player the tambourine man a party animal.

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Again the door is opened for them and out into the cold night air they walked Rocksey talking to Marsh, after a few steps Rocksey realised that it was strangely quiet and turning swiftly around he saw this

Marsh flat-out on a bench Now this was the Marsh Rocksey Knew pissed as a fart, Unable to stand, asleep in the street,” Welcome back Marsh welcome back” he said.

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USA Tour next Europe PARTY FIRST ! ! !

Rocksey had decided he needed to let his hair down before the Europe leg of the tour and we had been invited to a lavish party in the city of Berlin where coincidently was the first night of the European tour.Rocksey I said letting your hair down is one thing  but dont you think you should at least wash it first, I was sure that during the 3 weeks in the States the nearest thing to water Rockseys hair had seen was Beer ! ! ! ! !..begrudgingly he gave in and washed his hair —  its my image he shouted from the shower whilst singing one of the Spice Girls back catalogue “two become one if i’m not mistaken” –  not very Grebo/grunge rock I thought but what the hell only I can hear him ! ! !

The part was in full swing by the time Rocksey & I arrived. Rocksey as normal was a carbon copy of a Kansas tornado leaving a trail of broken hearts and empty glasses behind him.He just bounced from model to bottle and back again. Me I just socialized whilst looking for Suki, and let him get on with it, knowing full well he was just playing the guests the same as his stage show, but all the time wishing he was back at home.

A little later out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of Rocksey hanging upside down from the banister legs held by Senor penguino and hes not the biggest of men, while some of the female guests tried to pour champagne in his mouth, nothing to unusual there but this time he was 25ft from the ground ! ! and Rocksey has a fear of heights. Well this new game didn’t last very long before Senor Penguino shouted his one and only Spanish phrase “mi penguino comé arozz” Rocksey realising that his next stop would be the floor below hasterly hauled himself back over the banister, where Rocksey tried to encourage senior penguino to have a go….  “NO WAY” blurted Penguino i know what your like, one waitress or the sniff of champagne and you’ll be off and “I’ll be doing a love smooch with the floor.

With this both hugged and waltzed off in the direction of the pool, Me and Sukie reclined on the sumptuously deep leather sofa while the whole world and their friends strutted by trying to get noticed and be seen talking to the right people, the only people me and Suki though were the right people were the hunky waiters clad in kilts and full highland regalia.Suki in her normal way fluttered her extraordinarily long eyelashes at one of the waiters,and he almost fell over himself trying to get to Suki before any of the others. Suki purred in his ear “a bottle of champagne – cold ICE cold” nipping his ear with the last word, this sent the poor boy into such a spin as, which can only be likened to a gazelle avoiding the talons of a lioness, as he made his way to the bar.

Suki whispered to me “do you think its true ?” What the fact that we wouldn’t be seeing either Rocksey or Senor penguino before the early hours ? No Suki said KILTS and what worn or not worn under them ?…….I’m going to find out when the waiter returns.  .. This I knew could only end one way ! ! ! !

Meanwhile Rocksey and Penguino had found the pool and were in the middle of their usual betting wager.which culminated in Rocksey trying to swim the length of the pool in all his clothes backstroke with a full champagne bottle on his head, cheered on by a throng of female guests. this I wouldn’t have minded but Rockesy was wearing the new Mexicana Python boots I had bought him ! !  ! !  Python I hear you all shouting inhumane I also hear – – –  but no Rocksey had found this skin in a dusty run down shop in Louisiana and was informed it was at least 70 years old – sent the skin to his friend and owner of Mexicana boots and had them made..  which I will add I paid for with Rocksey shouting “i’ll pay you when I get back in”   some chance of that …..Back to the swimming Rocksey was going for it and ploughing through the water like a dreadnought encouraged by the screams and shouts of the female guests, penguino realising this could end badly for him took it upon himself to try to stop this dreadnaught from finishing, grabbing one of the many ropeskilt suspended from the ceiling took an almighty run and launched himself on collision course with Rocksey. Gripping as tight as he could to the rope with one hand and skimming the water with another he hurtled towards the finish line and Rocksey where within inches of the finish removed the bottle from Rockseys forehead and shouting his trademark “mi Penguino Comé arroz” entered the pool like a world war two depth charge. Both now soaked and without a change of clothes, I’m glad to say Rocksey resisted the temptation and offers from many of the female guests to let them remove his soaked clothes and help dry him…. Upon finishing the Bottle of Champagne (1/2 full of pool water) I will add the two made off in search of dry clothes.

Suki was now getting impatient for her bottle of Champagne as she had affixed her makeup mirror to her shoe, she assures me Penguino told her about this so she could check up the waiters kilt. whilst idly chatting Suki felt a tap on her shoulder and spinning around came face to face with a bright red kilt and a bottle of champagne. never one to lose her cool or not follow her plan swiftly positioned her foot and let out a shriek, He’s got kids F*****g pants on not only that BUT KIDS PANTS with a picture of a CAR on them ! ! ! ! ! at which she glanced at the waiters face only to find SENOR PENGUINO smirking back at her, don’t you remember he said “i bought these in Spain last year whilst in Malaga” ! ! ! ! ! .

I could see Rocksey stood behind him laughing – “why are you dressed as waiters ?” Ah he said and retold me the story of the pool bets and the fact the only clothes they could borrow were some of the staff clothes. You could tell Rocksey  had a few to may champagnes by his state of dress his kilt was on backwards his shirt was tied round his waist his beret formed a lump similar to Quasimodo’s in his jacket and still wearing his boots which I will add were still full of water, I suggested we make our excuses and leave…

Agreed he said, as we made our way to the door Rocksey commandeered 3 bottles “well you never know “he said…  as we exited into the crisp night air I asked Rocksey “why did penguino have those pants with him” you know Penguino, he used to be a boy scout and he’s  always prepared…….. with this Rocksey ran off down the drive kilt flying  shouting “MI PENGUINO COMÉ ARROZ, MI PENGUINO COMÉ ARROZ” it would have been a really nice view the sun rising over the maple trees and the dew covered lawns glistening but for Rocksey running into the sunrise ! ! ! ! !   —  Life goes on I guess  . . . . . .

 

today is my birthday

Today is my birthday and I will make no bones about this. I am 52 years old.
For many years I was a bit ‘vague’ about my age but as I cannot now pass for being 38 ( perhaps 48 in a dim light !!) then its time to nail those numbers to the mast and fly them high and proud!

Two posts on blogs that I follow have made me think lately that us women do feel we have pulled the short end of the straw when it comes to ageing …… either gracefully or not and although I agree whole heartedly with some of their opinions others I do not. And hey! isn’t that the rub….in that I can have my own opinion without worrying whether this will impact on someone else’s life to it’s detriment or otherwise?

Today in the dreaded Spanish class ( which for this week is the bane of my life), the teacher ( of a similar age I must add) asked us to tell her in what places in the world had we had an interesting experience, in what countries we had lived in and the strangest food we had eaten – of course this had also had to be spoken in Spanish and so embellishment in any other language bit our own mother tongue is extremely difficult!!

My mind goes blank when put in a spot and I tend to ramble about what me and Rocksey have done together but then I thought, no hang on a minute, there are many things that I have done without Rocksey and so for a few minutes I had the freedom of re-living a past life ( sin Rocksey or entre de Rocksey#1 and Rocksey #2) when I re-lived past countries lived in, mountains climbed to Buddist monasteries with yoga retreats and sheeps eyes offered as delicacies in desert oasis’s. Senora Profesor looked in astonishment ( probably goggle eyed at my mis-pronunciation of basic Spanish words) and then admitted that she had lived in Malaga all of her life and had not even been to Seville (205km away).

Now you may be shaking your head and thinking that I may have done these things as a young back backer travelling back in the 1980’s ( there are stories to tell dear readers) but the reality is that the monastery and sheeps eyes only date back 7-8 years and so I was a well seasoned traveller well into my 40’s (hey I married a man in Vegas without Elvis watching my back so caution is not my middle name!! ).

I left todays class with my head held high not only because I held my own in the class today in Spanish but actually that with age comes experience and you know what ladies, those wrinkles you see in the mirror, they are there because you screwed your face up in horror over the sheeps eyes!!! ( and just think how boring your life would have been without that offer!!!)

Happy Birthday to me – I will now enjoy as a lady of a ‘certain age’ should!!!! Disgracefully xxx

Lets speak Spanish for a few minutes

Senor Pinguino is learning to speak Spanish. Well SP has been learning Spanish for many years now and I use the term ‘learning’ loosely.
Rocksey speaks Spanish well and this stands us in good stead when we stay at our villa. I speak enough to get by and our shared love of Spain and all things Spanish serves us both well as when Rocksey is tired of being a Rockstar we are hoping to move to Spain on a more or less permanent basis.

SP and his long term girlfriend Suki are the ultimate Rock Star Couple. Like Mick & Bianca, SP and Suki exude rock star cool from every pore. SP has it all, mullet hair, tattoos, eyeliner, jewellery piled high, fringed jackets, tight jeans and crocodile boots. Suki is all big blonde hair, red lip stick and leather everything. They looked fantastic back in the ’90s – they look fantastic now in a Ronnie and Jo Wood kinda way.

Anyway back to the Spanish. SP is self taught and thinks his Spanish is actually better than it is. SPs best line is ‘Mi pinguino no come arroz’ which translates as ‘my penguin does not eat rice’, hence the nickname Senor Pinguino.

SP uses this one line for every situation, in Spain or Italy or France or any country he happens to be in. Theres something about SP and his one line of Spanish which just makes you laugh out loud and theres usually no response that anyone can give to SP when he comes out with his sentence.

So, anyway, the band have decided that there is a great need to tour South America next year. Everyones doing it says Rocksey We can’t miss out, we have to get some gigs. We’ll get on to Mick and Barry – they live in Brazil, they should be able to get something sorted out.

Yes but I will call our promotor Carlos in Mexico says SP- we can meet up in Cancun and decide where to play.

Carlos answers the call immediately. In a torrent of Spanglish he is excited about a tour and how he will only need a few days to get some venues sorted. In the meantime perhaps you may want to call Catrina he says to SP -she is in love with your look -she will have some new ideas for you.She doesn’t speak much English tho, but i know you can speak Spanish so everything will be ok.

SP loves the ladies, he thinks he’s so smooth – do you want me to call her -asks Rocksey. Of course not I speak better Spanish says SP and anyway carlos says she’s in love with me NOT you!

Buenos Tardes – she purrs down the phone. SP moves into the study away from earshot of Suki who, like any bird of prey will bring down SP at the slightest hint of a flirtation – even one conducted in Spanish to a lady several 1000 miles away!

Buenos Tardes – SP responds ‘hablo inglese Catrina?’ Even SP kows that ‘Mi penguino no come arroz’ won’t cut it with Catrina. Obviously there is a few halted sentences from Mexico and then as clear as a bell we hear ‘Lets speak Spanish for a few minutes’.

The look on SP’s face is priceless, Catrina is obviously chatting away happily in her native tongue, punctuated every now and again with SP nodding enthusiastically ‘si, si, mucho bueno Cara , si , si , bravo, adios’

The line goes dead. We look expectantly at SP.
Well – Rocksey arches his eyebrows – what she say……

Mi penguino no come arroz – SP picks his hat up and feigns innocence – what?

We are no wiser than prior to the conversation with Catrina. SP says nothing else but leaves with a hint of a smile on his face arm in arm with Suki. Something tells me he knows more Spanish than he lets on – time will tell.